Daddy wheeled me outside to the Toyota Sienna van that was parked in the patient transport. With his help I was able to get into the front seat, I had no belongings and hadn't anticipated going home with him but I wanted to be away from that place. Angela had come back a couple times and had said she hadn't seen Kerri but had found her on Facebook and sent a request. I hadn't even known what I would have said to her if she would have shown up. I loved my sister but held her responsible.
"Your Mama came by drunk, wanting money."
She was still the same Sharon all the way around.
"I can take u over to the bank in Greenwood, u can deposit that check it will clear after midnight."
I said nothing, I'd known he had a gambling problem and definitely had a debit card. I would never see any of it. I waited for the meds to wear off. I had had a mental evaluation done as well as neurological tests performed on my temporal and frontal lobes, they concluded I showed much aggression in my temporal lobe, also the head injury in my pre frontal lobe indicated I had characteristics of a serial killer. They couldn't understand how I had not been. I hadn't been capable of regulating aggression. Had the injury only intensified it and it existed previously, I'd sustained the injury in question after I'd beat Shameka senseless. A serial killer.
I had never been cruel to animals, there were also other factors and my I.Q was not as high as they said a serial killer's was. I only had gotten away with the murders because I didn't seem like a suspect, right?
We arrived at the bank, I had still needed identification to deposit it in the account. He was furious, "I ain't got no where for ya to sleep, unless ya gone sleep with me. Ya know, like old times."
He disgusted me, I hated him more than Redd. I wondered where Trenton was, all I had known was his name. My daddy had lived in Shreveport and I was unfamiliar with my surroundings but we were not too far from the hospital. I was medicated but alert as I could have possibly been. His home and outdated furniture had said he hadn't bought anything new since Mama had left. Boogie's obituary was standing up on the end table. He had recently taken a lot of pictures, he hadn't looked unhappy to me! I refused to believe my baby had taken his own life, I wanted to see the autopsy report!
As I held the obituary the tears welled in my eyes, then fell and landed on his face. I loved him so much and at that moment I came out of denial, I knew I had neglected him for Redd. I would jump at his every beck and call and had even fucked niggas for him! That wasn't love, that was stupidity on my behalf and control on his! No amount of meds would take away that pain. I didn't need to be stupefied, I needed to let it ALL out! The voices had made it all seem normal, without the trauma why would I need them? I'd been submissive for a long time, I felt the need for power. Christy had had power, she could call shots. She had given me a new outlook on life and if I was a serial killer then so be it.
"What happened to my child!?" I asked. I hadn't had the 4:00 dose, in a couple days I would be normal again. "I told ya, he hung himself. Right back there, I found him and tried to bring him back."
I believed Redd, he had done something to him and I would find out. I walked into the old room Kerri and I had shared, it was cluttered with boxes and other shit. I began to dig through them, and soon found the stack of letters Redd had from Juvenile detention, there were so many. I really needed Boogie's autopsy report. I could not build up enough aggression to kill him right then. I hadn't had the means or the fight. I just wanted to cry, cry for all the times I should have because if I exploded it would be nothing nice. I had been uprooted from life itself to be placed back there? I picked up the phone and called the prison, Christy had been there for 3 months. I was glad to hear she was alive, now I needed to execute the plan. Angela had written her number on my arm when she had taken me again to see the babies, it had erased when I showered before my release.
Daddy came into the room, I quickly turned around. I didn't trust him behind me. "Come on, I gotta take ya back. Ya can't stay here, u ain't nothing but trouble. Go on in the living room, I'm coming. I nodded and held up the letters. "Hurry up!" he said before walking back out. There were tithing envelopes just carelessly ripped apart and strewn everywhere, an A cup bra, syringes, crack pipes, condoms etc. Boogie's clothes were still in the room I remembered the Jurassic park T shirt that laid dusty on the floor. Nothing prepared me for what I saw next. I reached inside the box and pulled out a pair of his underwear. I just held them and inspected the rust colored stains, the anger overwhelmed me but I could not react. As I held them he opened the door. "Come on, I ain't got all day."
He hadn't known who he was fucking with and Kerri too was now on the list. She had sent him to live with Daddy, he started receiving child care checks. I also had found the paperwork. I obediently went to the living room and while he pissed with the door opened I walked outside and kept walking. He ran to the door and yelled down the street, "AND DON'T COME BACK!"
Negative, I would soon be.
Had I not deserved happiness, what did I have to give to be happy? Without the meds I always determined it was probably better on the other side. I needed to get Christy out. I'd just seen a billboard for a Shreveport attorney, so many meds I couldn't even remember her attorney's name. I had to get the money from the account and to keep from losing track of info I had written it all down and put it in a safe place, I just had to go back to the hotel and get it. In Texas. I called the attorney Peter Rose a week later after visiting the twins, I had stayed with Pooh, he was kind and took me back and forth to LSU, but had picked me up from the carwash, I had nowhere to go. He just wanted me to cook him big meals in return and cut his toenails, he couldn't reach his feet.
I needed to move quick, Daddy had told the doctor's it was best for the state to have custody of the twins. They would soon come out of NICU and they would have to kill me before I allowed them to take my flesh and blood. Boogie had already been taken and I wondered about Ryella every minute. Would she even recognize me? I had no money, I waited for Angela to get off work one night and asked her to drop me off at Greyhound and buy me a ticket, Pooh had done enough. I told her I would pay her back, she hadn't wanted anything in return and was just glad to see me close to being my normal self again. I traveled to Carrollton and walked to Tobias' home. I'd seen him and hadn't recognized him but had saw bottles and dirty diapers overflowing in the kitchen trash can. He really missed Christy, I could tell. He opened the door and as if it really wasn't a good time he became nervous. I pushed by him looking for my daughter. She cried from upstairs. I could recognize her cry in the midst of a million others. I ran up the stairs and she stood in front of the bedroom door, her diaper sagged and she had on no shirt. I ran and picked her up, I was so glad to see her regardless. I began to beat on the door, calling Twan's name. I heard him say "Oh shit" then a females voice. He cracked the door as if to confirm it was me, his phone rang as I kicked it open. A bitch was inside in bra and panties with the sheet carelessly wrapped around her while my baby was in the hall! Aw hell naw! I put Ryella down and went upside Twan's head with my fists repeatedly, he had fucked up! "Just wait he yelled, trying to restrain me by the arms, I can explain!"
Ryella cried, the bitch reached for her I tried to dismember her limbs, "Leave Paula! Just leave!" Twan yelled.
"Naw I gotta get all my shit, what the fuck u mean?"
"I told u what it was, this my wife!"
It was a madhouse, Tobias stood at the foot of the stairs, afraid to come up, I wondered if he could catch the bitch that had let my baby run around pissy! She could raise the fuck up, I was home and it was about to be some changes made, starting with Twan's hoe ass. He had to come clean about everything! Had he shot Christy? I needed to know! He pleaded, but why. He reached for my belly, "WHERE MY BABIES?!"
"FUCK U!" I yelled. I began to pick up everything that looked like it belonged to Ryella I would go to a hotel and would return to get the twins.
"I came, they kept saying u put me on the no visit list! What was I supposed to do, I couldn't raise her alone and me and Mama don't talk no more, she found out about Shan and Netta!"
He didn't look the same! I charged at that scary bitch again for not takin' care of my man!
"WHO IS THIS BITCH TWAN!"
"WHO? PAULA? NOBODY BABY I PROMISE!"
"WHAT TWAN, I was somebody when U was eating my pussy!"
I didn't even know whose neck was in my hands, I just felt Tobias yank me up viciously and heard Twan get mad. My shirt had come up and he had seen my belly. He sat in the chair out of breath, I didn't know why, it wasn't his neck I had. He just held his face, half naked, I knew he was crying. I picked up my daughter she pushed me and reached for her Daddy. I saw the love she had for him, sat her in his lap and walked downstairs as he called out to me. I could hear him telling "Paula" to leave, she was afraid, I was waiting to clothes line her ass at the bottom of the stairs. Trifling bitch! What purpose had she served, seriously!
I was at my witts end, I needed an ID to cash the check, I needed money. He could have his daughter, I was done.