Jihoon tried to call Shane the next day, but she didn't answer. Or, as he suspected, Shane was screening his calls.
His shift at the CU Mart was a small piece of hell. Stuck behind the counter when he really wanted to find Shane and explain himself. He didn't want to feel this guilt, the kind that sat on his lungs like a taunting demon.
"If it's bothering you this much, just go to her house." Minjae leaned against the counter, sucking on a yoghurt drink.
"I would if I knew where he was living now." Jihoon jabbed at the keys of the register as he wallowed. It wasn't his fault, he told himself for the twentieth time that day. Shane had just made him so mad.
"I told you it was a bad idea to let that boy back into your life," Minjae pointed out unhelpfully.
"I don't need another lecture." Jihoon let his head drop onto the counter in frustration. He'd hit on a sensitive spot with Shane because he knew it would hurt him. That was all Jihoon had wanted at the moment, to make Shane Suffer like he was suffering. His halmeoni had raised him to know better, to be better.
The door to the convenience store opened and he jerked upright.
Then he let himself slump again as Eamon walked in.
"What do you want?" Jihoon asked.
"I'm pretty sure that greeting is not in the employee training manual."
"I'm pretty sure you're not only here to buy ramyeon," Jihoon retorted.
Eamon laughed, then noticed Minjae standing in front of Jihoon, legs spread like he was ready to fight.
"Ah hello half brother." Eamon greeted, nodding his head in a gesture as if he was about to doff his hat.
"Half brother?" Jihoon was confused even though a small part at the back part of his mind knew what exactly was happening.
Minjae sighed. He knew there was no use in hiding anything.
"Jihoon-ah" he began but was interrupted by Jihoon.
"You're not my brother, are you? You're his half brother." Jihoon nodded his head towards Eamon.
"That would be correct, future cousin brother-in-law." Eamon mused while Jihoon cringed.
"Jihoon-ah, Mi-Ahn-h-" Jihoon again cut Minjae off.
"Is this gonna end up Loralie coming after me?"
"No," both Minjae and Eamon said together.
Jihoon shrugged. "Then I guess, I don't have anything to say. You two haven't done anything so it's fine."
Minjae and Eamon blinked in surprise.
"You're not angry?"
"No."
"I'm going to be late for after-school study." Mine looked at his watch, "I'll see you tomorrow, Jihoon-ah."
Eamon chuckled.
"Stay away from my friends," Jihoon said.
Eamon lifted his hands innocently. "That's not why I'm here."
Jihoon rolled his eyes. "What do you want?"
"I think the question is, what do you need?"
"Are you talking in riddles because you're a timekeeper? Or because you're annoying?"
"I came to help," Eamon said. "There's a very angry boy in my half brother's apartment. He's been stomping around all day. It's giving me a headache."
"I've been trying to call him." Jihoon sighed. He didn't care that it was Eamon. He needed to vent to someone. "How can I say I'm sorry if he won't answer my calls or my texts?"
"Too bad there's no one around supernaturally made to woo men. "
Jihoon glowered. Was he really thinking of doing this? Taking the advice of someone he hated? "Fine."
"Phone." Eamon held out his hand.
Jihoon complied, glaring at the timekeeper as he typed furiously.
"What are you writing?" Jihoon asked, leaning over the counter to see the text.
Eamon backed away. "Don't worry. I won't send it without showing you."
Jihoon tried to be patient, but as Eamon typed and considered and deleted and retyped, he started to lose patience.
Finally, Eamon presented the phone.
The message was a splash of cartoon flowers, hearts, and bolded letters.
"No." Jihoon shook his head emphatically. "I'm not sending something like this." He jabbed the delete button.
"Ya!" Eamon protested.
"It doesn't even sound like me. Shane will know it was you."
"Fine, then what would you type?"
Jihoon wrote out a quick note: We should talk.
Eamon grimaced at the plain message like it brought him physical pain. He made to grab the phone, but Jihoon pulled it away. Eamon sighed. "When you just type texts like that, they look flat. You have to add volume."
"Add volume?" Jihoon asked, perplexed.
"Yeah, put a heart or emoji after," Eamon suggested.
"No." Jihoon drew the line at putting a winking smiley face in a text.
"Fine, then give it a wave." June grinned as he pointed to the ~ symbol.
Jihoon rolled his eyes, but he added the ~ before pressing send.
"Why are you helping me?" Jihoon asked.
"I told you. I don't like to be around grouchy people. It puts me in a bad mood."
"Really?" Jihoon didn't believe a thing out of the timekeeper's mouth.
He was too smooth, too good at lying.
Before he could prod Eamon more, his phone beeped. Shane's name appeared on the screen. Jihoon lifted surprised eyes to Eamon.
The older boy gave him an encouraging thumbs-up, and Jihoon smiled back. Then he realized how friendly he was acting toward the timekeeper and stopped grinning.
He read the message: 'I'm at Namsan.'
• • •
Namsan was a high mountain in the middle of the city. Though many restaurants boasted well-known wang donkatsu along the way, the main attraction was Namsan Tower. A popular place for dates and somewhere Jihoon wouldn't go if he were paid. Except he found himself crammed into one of the cable cars leading to the top.
He didn't like how crowded it was; it was giving him a headache. Or maybe that was the result of being anxious all day.
And even after reaching the end of the journey, he still had to climb stairs that led tourists and lovers past food stands. Jihoon glared at the hot dogs on a stick surrounded by fried potato and remembered promising one to Shane once. It had been a different Jihoon who'd promised that to a different Shane, he thought.
It was hard to find Shane in the crowd of bodies and Jihoon craned his neck back to look at the top of the tower, wondering if he'd have to go up there. He was pretty sure you needed a reservation to go into the restaurant on top.
He took in the landscape at the base of the tower. The fence that ran around the perimeter was covered in padlocks, so plentiful and colourful they created a metal tapestry. Locks also created metallic Christmas trees in the middle of the courtyard.
Walking to the fence, Jihoon had to admit the view was stellar. As the sun approached the horizon, it gave the city a glow. He could mark the patterns of Seoul from up here, where the old tile roofs of the hanoks merged into the newer metal and concrete of the city. Such a contrasting mess to see the old homes that boasted under-floor coal heating and rice-paper walls next to the most modern of skyscrapers.
But in this city, the dichotomy worked. In this city, the dichotomy thrived. It seemed that sometimes opposites did find a balance. Then he saw him, standing at one of the viewfinders that showed the city below.
Jihoon approached him slowly, worried now that Shane might take advantage of the location to pitch him over the side of the mountain.
But he comforted himself in the fact that Shane didn't like to make a scene.
"Shane."
"Yes?" he replied coldly, as he refused to look at Jihoon.
"You said you'd talk."
"I told you where I was. You were the one that wanted to talk," Shane corrected him.
Jihoon seethed. His frustration was two centimetres from breaking the surface. It made the low headache brewing pulse, but he took a deep breath and tried again.
"Fine, I wanted to say I'm sorry," Jihoon said, then waited for Shane to accept his apology. Shane didn't and instead studied the locks that decorated the fence. They were covered in claims of everlasting friendship and love. A beautiful rainbow assortment of promises.
"Did you hear me?" Jihoon asked.
"Yes," Shane replied, studying another lock.
Jihoon spun Shane around to face him. "I'm trying to apologize."
"Why?"
Jihoon blinked in surprise. "What do you mean?"
"Why do you want to apologize when you've made it clear that I'm the reason everything has gone wrong in your life."
"That's a bit of an exaggeration."
"I don't want an apology. Not from you."
"Listen, I shouldn't have brought up your parents," Jihoon said. "If you don't let me apologize, I'll never feel right about it."
"Fine," Shane said, through a jaw so clenched his cheeks visibly flexed. "I'll accept your apology. Will you leave me alone now?"
Jihoon suddenly noticed how exhausted Shane looked. Bags shadowed his eyes. His skin was pale. His shoulders slumped.
"Excuse me?" A young mother stood behind him. "Can you take our photo?" she asked.
"Sure." Jihoon accepted her phone and waited for her to get two fighting toddlers to stand still. The family huddled together, her husband hugging the three of them from behind. It was a lovely picture of a normal family. Jihoon's eyes slid to Shane, who looked anywhere but at the happy unit. Neither of them had ever taken a photo like this.
After Jihoon handed back her phone, the woman asked, "Do you two want a picture?"
"Oh no, we're okay." Shane took a step back, like the woman meant to do her physical harm.
"You should take photos, even if it's the first date." The woman grinned. "My husband and I still have a picture of ours."
"It's not our first date." Shane's cheeks pinked.
"An anniversary, then?" The woman was persistent.
"You know what, we'd love a photo," Jihoon said to avoid any more questions. He handed her his phone, then stood beside Shane.
"You should put your arm around him. Two tall men," the husband suggested, winking.
Jihoon complied. It was easier than the awkwardness of refusing.
"And smile!" the woman chirped.
He did and it felt awkward on his face.
"It seems like a first date." The woman lowered Jihoon's phone. "You two look stiff as boards."
Sane glanced at Jihoon, his brows lifted in question.
"Okay, one more." This time, Jihoon pulled Shane until he was snug against his side. Shane looked into Jihoon's eyes, smiling wryly. Her eyes seemed
to say, Only we could get into a situation like this. And he smiled back
because it was true.
"Perfect." The woman beamed. "You make a beautiful couple."
When the family walked away to enter the tower, Jihoon turned back to Shane, who'd taken a few steps away. His shoulders shook.
Was Shane crying?
Placing a hesitant hand on Shane's arm, Jihoon'swas about to ask if she was okay when he saw his wide smile. Shane was laughing.
"I swear, Park Jihoon, when that woman asked if we were on a date, your face got so white you'd have thought you were being faced by a soul taking Grim Reaper?."
Jihoon let out a surprised laugh at that. And they fell into a fit of mirth together, holding each other up as it quieted into hiccupping chuckles.
"It's your fault, you know," Jihoon pointed out. "Why in the world would you come up to Namsan, the capital of romance, alone?"
Shane shrugged, and his eyes fell to Jihoon's hand still on his. He dropped it quickly and tension rose between them.
"I guess it's always been on my bucket list, and I figured it was a good time to start working on that." Shane looked out at the city.
Jihoon frowned at the idea of an immortal grim reaper having a bucket list.
"Listen, I accept your apology," Shane said, his back still to Jihoon. "You can go home with a clean conscience now."
Jihoon didn't know how to reply to that. He'd come here to apologize and Shane had let him. That was all he'd wanted. Except for the guilt that had sat on his chest all day had congealed into something heavy in his stomach. Like he'd done something wrong again.
Still, he could think of no reason to stay, so he started to make his way through the crowd toward the cable cars. Out of habit, he pulled his phone out, unlocking it as he walked. The photo of him and Shane filled the screen. He stopped and a young couple accidentally bumped into him. He mumbled an apology, his eyes never leaving the photo.
In it, Shane looked at him. His eyes soft, her right hand gripping the front of his jacket. He hadn't even felt it at the time. The look on his own face felt foreign. He couldn't quite peg the expression at first. Then he realized it was contentment. At that moment, caught up in his arms, caught up in his memories, he'd been happy.
Jihoon wasn't sure what to make of the realization. He knew in his gut that he should still be angry at Shane. Shane kept secrets. Jihoon couldn't fully trust him. But Jihoon was finding it harder and harder to stay mad.
Shane had been honest with him about who he was, what he was. He'd told him he ran when things got hard. But he'd come back this time to help with Grandmother. That should count for something, shouldn't it?
And after all, he'd been through, didn't he deserve to be happy?
Jihoon wove back through the crowd. People packed together as they milled the space. Couples holding hands, children running with shouts of laughter. The March air was crisp with early spring, and it felt like the whole city was on Namsan, taking advantage of it.
It took too long to reach Shane when all Jihoon wanted was to be next to him.
When he reached the person he wanted, he pulled on Shane's shoulder so she faced him.
"Jihoon-ah?" His name was a question that died quickly, eaten by the mountain wind, when Shane saw his face.
"I'm done."
"Okay," Shane said as Jihoon lifted another hand to cup Shane's face.
"Done with what?"
"All of it." And Jihoon let go of the anger, the tension, the fear. He breathed it out in a sigh of relief.
"Okay," Shane said again. Whispered it, so only he heard.
He leaned in.
Shane stood still.
JIhoon sighed out his name.
Shane sucked in air.
Jihoon's heart pushed against his ribs like it needed to be closer to Shane and didn't care if the rest of him came with it or not. Jihoon let his hands slide down Shane's cheeks, ran his fingers over Shane's smooth skin. His breath shuddered out.
It made Jihoon giddy, Shane's show of weakness at his mere touch. It made him feel powerful, a boy who could make a grim reaper shiver.
Their lips were a centimetre apart, and Shane's eyes filled his vision, dark pools that captured his reflection. He felt like he could get trapped in there and didn't care. He'd welcome the cage.
There was a pull in him, urging him forward. Jihoon lowered his head slowly, sliding his hand over Shane's nape.
Then Jihoon laid his lips against Shane's, softer than the brush of wind across the skin.
Shane wrapped his arms around Jihoon's waist, pulling him even closer if it was even possible.
And the kiss he'd meant to be gentle became heated in an instant.
Jihoon swallowed Shane's gasp. His hands tangled in His hair. Shane's teeth scraped against Jihoon's bottom lip as Shane pulled it into her mouth. And now Jihoon was the one gasping.
The pressure in his chest built until it became a blinding heat that engulfed Jihoon. Stars exploded behind his eyes. This time, when he gasped, it was in pain. He stumbled back, his legs shaking, giving way beneath him.
Jihoon heard Shane yell his name, a garbled sound that mixed with the ringing in his ears.
Then he fell and he fell and he didn't stop until he lost consciousness.