Jihoon wasn't quite sure why he was wandering the streets at 3:00 A.M. He'd woken in a sweat, choking on his own breath as he'd actually been drowning. It was all still so clear in his mind. The hallway, Loralie's unconscious form, the flooding bathroom. And he knew now that it was probably not just a dream. With the soul inside of him, he knew he was connected to Shane.
This probably meant all of those damned dreams where he begged Shane to return hadn't been his alone. Had he seen him then? At his most vulnerable? It made his head hurt to wonder.
This dream made him worry about Shane despite himself. The residual anxiety made it impossible to fall asleep again. So he'd taken a walk to calm his racing heart and ended up by the old neighbourhood playground. The trees beyond looked like grey statues, guarding the abandoned swing set.
Shane sat on the roundabout. Jihoon should have been more surprised, but it was almost as if he knew he'd find him here.
"Jihoon-ah!" Shane slurred out, gripping a bottle of soju. Another green bottle already lay empty beside him.
Shane squeezed one eye closed to more accurately pour into a plastic cup. Shane's tongue stuck out the side of his mouth as he concentrated on the task.
"Why are you here?" Jihoon asked.
"Couldn't sleep. Bad dreams." Shane threw back the soju in one perfect gulp.
"Where did you get that?" Jihoon eyed the extra bottle sitting in a plastic bag with more cups.
"At the CU Mart. That smarmy guy made me promise not to tell anyone he sold me this. I think he has a crush on me. Mango or something." Shane gave him a drunken grin.
Jihoon would have laughed at Mingyu's butchered name, but he was too worried Shane would pitch off the side of the ride.
"You look like you've been enjoying yourself." Jihoon sat on the edge of the roundabout, dragging his feet on the ground to stop it.
"I'll pour you a glass." Shane tipped the bottle against a second cup. Most spilt over the side.
"I'm good."
"Nonsense!" Shane raised his cup. "We're teenagers. We're supposed to do thoughtless things. Now that my father is here, I should make up all the lost time-defying him. Drink," Shane said—actually demanded— with expectant eyes. Jihoon sighed and raised the cup. he clumsily tapped his cup to Jihoon's. "Salut!"
As Shane tilted his head back to drink in one shot, Jihoon poured his out.
"Kaaah." Shane let out the throaty noise in appreciation, or perhaps because he'd heard it on one too many dramas, then held his cup out.
When Jihoon didn't move, Shane shook his hand at Jihoon.
"Haven't you heard it's good manners to pour for each other?"
Jihoon still didn't move and he sighed, grabbing the bottle himself.
"Fine!" Shane poured so fast he spilt half the bottle to the dirt below. Jihoon counted it as a blessing that Shane had less to drink now. "I never used to be so impatient. Maybe because I had all the time in the world."
Shane let out another laugh, his eyes are already blurry and unfocused.
"Do you know what it's like to live forever?" Shane slurred out. That last cup had definitely tipped him over the edge.
Jihoon realized Shane was staring at him, expecting an answer. "No."
"Well, I was supposed to." Shane poured another cup. "And when you think you're going to live forever, things aren't as serious. Asshole parents, asshole sisters. People constantly hating you for no good reason. I mean except the fact that I could suck the life out of them."
Shane chuckled at his own morbid joke.
"Mortals treat everything like life and death. How long it takes to pay at a store is a favourite of mine. They get so mad!" Shane gestured wildly with her hand at that, some of his newly poured drink sloshing out.
"And then people get into fights and one of them ends up yelling, 'What's your problem?' Like it's not completely obvious everyone's problem is that they're going to die one day."
Shane became sombre at that and put his cup down. Jihoon reached for it, but he lifted the cup again before Jihoon could take it away.
"Everything in my world was tied to being a grim reaper. My sister, my immortality. So it's weird I meet my father, Death now that I'm dying. Do you think it's a sign? a pfft."
Shane stuck his thumb down to symbolize death.
"Shane, is that what will happen to you if you don't take a soul for the full hundred days?" Jihoon asked. He needed to hear her say it.
Shane blinked at Jihoon, his lips curling down into a deep frown. "You don't actually want to know that."
"I do."
"I'm not sure," Shane said. "But yeah, it seems like that's the end game. Grim Reapers only bring death. Even to ourselves."
Jihoon shook his head. "If you stopped feeding because of me, I don't want the responsibility of it. My halmeoni is already in a coma because of me." And Jihoon realized part of the reason he'd been so angry wasn't because of Shane's part in what happened to grandmother, but because of his. He'd been such a bad grandson and still, she'd given everything for him.
Suddenly, it felt like a great idea to drink. He picked up the bottle and poured more into his cup, gulping it down in one shot. He hissed at the burn in his throat.
"If I die, it's not for you. I'm dying for me."
"What is that supposed to mean?" Jihoon wasn't sure if Shane didn't make sense because she was drunk or because he was just sane.
Probably a mix of the two.
"I watch my Loralie and I realize how lonely she is."
Jihoon didn't know where this turn in the conversation had come from. And he wasn't in the mood to give Loralie any sympathy. He took another shot and this one went down a bit easier.
"I never worried about the things I was missing out on. Like having friends or relationships. I think I always figured there'd be time for that later. But now . . ." Shane sighed. "Everything reminds me that my time is running out. I'm weaker now. I have scars now." Shane traced the white mark on his palm, a twin of Jihoon's.
"My sister told me to make a choice. So I did, ``Shane said, flinging his arms wide, knocking himself off-balance. Jihoon caught him before he fell. Shane put her hands on Jihoon's shoulders for stability. "And every day I decide to keep doing this, I know it's what I need to do. Not for you. Not for my sister or my parents. I made this decision. So it's mine. It's all I have that's just mine."
A pang shot through Jihoon, a tightening of his lungs.
Jihoon cupped Shane's cheek lightly. Why couldn't he admit before that he'd missed this? Hearing Shane's voice, seeing his eyes so close he traced out the pattern in her irises. Blooms, like flowers. Jihoon missed it all desperately.
"Shane," Jihoon said Shane's name quietly, his hand moving down his neck. "I didn't—"
"Don't be sorry. We're both sorry all the time. A sorry pair." he chuckled. "I wish things could go back," Shane said with a wistful sigh. "Can't we just be Shane and Jihoon again? Can't we be okay for five minutes?"
"I think I can do that."
"Good." Shane smiled "Because I'm going to throw up." he ran to the edge of the playground and vomited in the underbrush.
Jihoon gathered his hair back and held it as he was sick.
• • •
Jihoon carried Shane on his back up the sloping streets. He put Shane's hand over his shoulders and held him as Shane drifted in and out of drunken consciousness.
"I'm sorry I sucked out your grandma's soul," Shane mumbled.
Jihoon tensed, unsure if he wanted to talk about that right now. Then he realized most of his anger had evaporated.
"I know how stubborn she can be. If she asked you to take her energy for me, then she probably made it impossible to say no."
"I'm a horrible grim reaper," Shane muttered. "I couldn't even say no to a grandmother. Some immortal being I was."
Jihoon chuckled. He continued to carry Shane, who had put all of his weight on Jihoon, thanking the stars when he saw his apartment across the street.
"I'm sorry I left," Shane said. "I thought I was doing the right thing. I didn't want to hurt you."
"No one likes a martyr."
He started up the stairs, his legs wobbling as he climbed.
"You know what I missed the most?" Shane whispered by his ear.
"What?" Jihoon tried to ignore the tingle along his skin as Shane's breath fluttered over it.
"Being friends."
"Huh?"
"You were my best friend. I miss my best friend."
"I miss you, too," Jihoon said, but Shane had already fallen asleep.