"Come here."
I shook my head, my eyes starting to water. "It hurts."
"I said come here," He glares.
I stepped back in fear, still shaking my head in refusal, both my knees and hands shaking in anxiety. "Please…" I beg, gripping my skirt tighter with every step he took closer to me.
"No? No?!" The moment he dragged me close to him with force, I screamed, crying helplessly. "How many times do I have to tell you that you can never say no to me! Do you want me to do it with your baby sister then?!" I cried harder, trying to move away from his grip. "You're making things hard here."
"No, no," I pressed my arms over my top trying to stop him from getting rid of them. "Please. Please don't," I cried and pressed all of my weight over my top but he suddenly grabs my pants. "No, no, no…" I try to pull them up but he was stronger. "NOOO!"
"Forest, dear."
I was immediately welcomed by Polar in bed and a bright light that filled the room I tend to leave my mind whenever I'm reminded of my shitty past. The events of my childhood kept flashing before my eyes, almost unbearable. I shake my head and focused my attention to Polar, who was sleeping again.
"Forest."
My heart raced when I felt someone touch my shoulder. I jumped away in surprise and tried not to panic. Aunt Felicity stood behind the chair I used shocked by my unusual gesture. "Yeah," I answered in daze, my voice I was trying to calm down.
"Were you having an episode again?"
I looked down and pressed my lips together. "No," I lied. She must have noticed this because apparently I can't fucking lie to her ever since she agreed to take care of us from our filthy step-father.
Aunt Felicity was the only person who knew about my past – who didn't judge me for what they were. She's the only person who I trusted this horrible past with. Sometimes I wish she was the one who took us from the foster house but she knew I didn't want to depend on other people.
"I'm going out for a while," she steps further away from me. "To buy us something to drink while we watch you sister and some snack you can eat. Will you be okay here alone?"
I've been okay alone for the past years trying to survive this cruel world. Being alone isn't fun. Being alone makes me do things I don't want to do so fuck, no. "Yes."
"Do you want something particular?"
I'd like some weed but you sure won't get me that if I asked. "Anything will be fine."
When she left, I turned back to Polar. I stared at her pale face and wondered when she will ever recover from this. The doctors always tell me to prepare myself for the worse to come but I always refuse to accept that realty. Polar deserves a life – she deserves to live more than I do. If I can exchange my life for her, I would without hesitation.
Someone knocks on the door. I turned to see who it was and a nurse comes in. "Good evening, Ms. Young. I'm here for the patient's hourly dose of aspirin." She greets with a smile.
I stepped away from the bed and watched her do, whatever the hell, she's doing and when she was done, aunt Felicity came back with two bags in her hand. I went and helped her with the bag as we both sat across each other in the small table that was a part of Polar's room. "I bought noodles and some beef stew. They're still warm so go on and eat."
I nodded and helped her fix the food over the tiny table. She sits one bowl in front of me and fills it with the hot soup and a side dish of the dry noodle. She then drops a cup of what seemed like a coffee, dropping them next to the bowls and we started eating.
"Are you going to the restaurant today?"
I just bobbed my head. "But my shift starts later at one."
"Until the early morning?"
"Until the night tomorrow actually." My stupid workmate's ditching her shift so I'm taking her place. Good for me, I guess. I can make more money that I can in a month to pay Polar's hospital bills.
"Don't drink too much red bull then. It's bad for your body."
I would rather risk my body just to save up money and save my sister than do nothing at all. Like my stupid dumb foster mother who can't even answer a fucking simple chemistry equation.
"What about the festival you said a few days ago? How's that going?"
I took a sip off the soup before I answered, "It's going well."
She nods. "It's good that you're going out like this, Forest. Polar would like that."
I looked away in disagreement. If Polar said that to me herself, I'd believe it but it's not. Everything I do in my life is dedicated to her. I'm not sure if there'll ever be something that I will personally enjoy without thinking of her.
"You were having another episode a while ago. You should go see Dr. Sylvia."
I sighed. "It's fine. I'm fine. I just…" I spaced out unable to know what I was going to say to cover up my lie.
"I told you." Aunt Felicity holds my arms and looks at me dearly. "You don't have to think about the how much a session would cost. I just want you to get better. I want you to get rid of the trauma you've been through because you deserve that…" I looked at her, biting my cheeks from inside to stop my tears. "After all the horrible things you experienced, you deserve to be happy too."
I looked down. "It's okay, Aunt Felicity. I can manage."
She flashes a worried smile but nods. I didn't like using Aunt Felicity's money for things that benefit me. It's not fair to her and her own family. The trauma will always be there. No matter how many therapy you go through, it never leaves. That's why they're traumas in the first place. It's just painful to have to deal with the same scenarios when you're in a dark place – to relive those moments is torture itself. That's why it's better for me to cut myself than experience them over again. Because no matter how long it's been, everything feels like it was just yesterday.
I watched dad as he changes me into a new dress. He throws the smoke-paper from his mouth to the ground as he zips me at the back. He brushes my hair and ties them into a pigtail. He puts on a powder all over my face and sprays a sweet cologne over my chest and back.
"You need to look pretty today okay? You better behave if you don't want me messing with your sister.'
I blinked holding the lollipop he just gave me. "Where are we going, daddy?" I asked.
"We're going to a carnival." He shows a weird smile and brings out something from his back pocket. "Turn around." I was surprised when everything turned black.
"Daddy… wha— I can't see anything…" I almost tear up.
"Shh." He hissed. "I'll take it off once we get there. Don't be scared. Daddy's here. Let's go."
It was a long drive. My eyes were adapting to the darkness and it scared me.
"We're here."
The engine of the car stopped. I feel daddy grabbing my arm as we stepped out. I stumbled as I tried to match his pace. I couldn't see anything from the blindfold that's been put to cover my eyes. Dad said we're going to the carnival and have some fun but I don't hear lively songs. I can't make up bright lights behind this blindfold
I hear loud crashing from metals as we walked. My heart was pounding. I was starting to panic.
"Is this her?"
I hear a man say the moment we stopped walking. I gripped my lollipop tight and stood still holding daddy's hands. "Daddy…" I cried. "Please take this off. I'm scared."
I hear a lot of people laugh.
"Three grand."
Three grand?
"The deal is five!"
"Take it or leave it."
"Fine."
I cried when dad suddenly pushed me and I land on something I couldn't make out of. The feeling of someone's hand over my legs made me shriek. "Daddy!" I cried for help but more hands played with my whole body. "Please stop!"
"If you do this, your sister will be fine."
I cried. "Please stop…"
"Four!" I turned and saw Han raising a brow, giving me a stare that asks me to tell her something. She just stares at me as we walked towards our first class. "The fuck's wrong with you? You look even whiter than normal."
I sighed and looked away. "What were you saying?" I divert.
"The party tonight." Party? "The gang will be there. Too bad Hunter's not coming though. Says he has important business with some dealers tonight."
I light my cigarette up and immediately felt the calming sensation. I need to stop having these episodes. I looked around the campus and saw a couple making out by the fountain. "Jesus fucking Christ, get a fucking room." I rolled my eyes and turned my attention back to Han who was almost done with her cigar. "Jacob's bringing the crystals tonight still though, right?"
Han smirks. "I'd kill him if he doesn't."
I shook my head and wheezed. I'll go party 'till then go work until tomorrow night then go back to the laboratory to finish the goddamn project. Mark will be fine without me for three nights. I sighed. I have so much to do and just one me.
"Speaking of which, what are you going to do with Calculus? Are we taking it again this next semester? We can't go on forever with stupid calculus, you know. They should just mark us passed so they don't get to see their worse students every year."
What the fuck am I doing with my life. Other teenagers are starting to get some fat cash in their bank accounts and here I am, high, wasted and fucked up. What a fucking miserable life.
Han kept talking. But my ears automatically closed. I wasn't in the mood to hear any of her naggings or what she has to say about drugs she took. My phone suddenly rings. I looked at the ID caller and saw Aunt Felicity's name flashing over my screen. It's rare for her to call me during school hours but if she does, it's very important so I answered, walking away from Han.
"Aunt Felicity."
"Forest…"
"I'm about to go to class. I'm hanging up if—"
"Your sister, Forest… she…"