14. LOVEABLE
Harry had never thought that a more considerate Sirius could be the cause of his frustration, but one week after Lily's lecture and their discussion, Harry was getting siriously annoyed and desperately wished his old Sirius back. The Sirius that was spontaneous and childish and jealous and passionate. Not this shadow.
Sirius had become overly cautious, keeping strictly to the rules they had set and shredding Harry's nerves with timid questions and insistent hesitation in all other cases. And at the same time, it wasn't as if Sirius didn't want more, Harry was pretty sure of that, but whenever Sirius' control threatened to slip, he would excuse himself and disappear for hours on end.
Once again, Sirius had come closer to his old self, his kisses and words becoming more audacious, but now it looked like the veela was getting ready to excuse himself.
"That's enough, Sirius," Harry said sternly, grasping Sirius' hand and tugging him up from his seat. "Come with me?"
"Sure. What are you going to do to me?" Sirius asked curiously.
"Something to get you back to normal," Harry grumbled, but relaxed slightly when Sirius' face split into a huge grin at that.
"What have you planned, Harry?" the veela asked as Harry led him out of the common room and away from the Fat Lady.
"I plan on seducing you," Harry said earnestly. "So don't you laugh at me. I know how frustrated you are and I certainly know how much you frustrate me. But if you laugh at me I'll make you even more frustrated."
"Okay, then." Sirius smirked, allowing Harry to guide him into an unused classroom.
"Sit down... ehm, please?" Harry ordered, but then was told by his elf side that he really shouldn't give Sirius orders; he pulled a black cloth from his robe pocket and wrapped it over Sirius' eyes. "It's a surprise."
"Ah," Sirius answered, standing up once more at Harry's beck and trustingly followed the tug of Harry's hand.
They walked in silence for about ten minutes before Harry quietly opened a door and led Sirius in. The grey-eyed man blinked rapidly as Harry loosened the blindfold to make his eyes adjust faster to the new environment. It smelled vaguely like cinnamon and something that was just uniquely Harry, though that might have to do with the fact that Harry was standing right in front of him, looking very nervous. The room was held in blues and dark wood with a soft white bedspread. There was a bed. A huge four-poster bed that was softly illuminated by the single candle that stood on the bedside drawer.
He was caught by surprise when Harry slowly started to unbutton his shirt, kissing every patch of revealed skin.
"Harry." Sirius groaned, trying to keep at least a semblance of control. "Harry, stop, please."
Harry stepped back, lowering his head. "I'm sorry, I thought you wanted this."
"I do," Sirius said gently. "But you don't, do you? I know that you want to please me and I really appreciate it, but I love you too much to be selfish about something like this. I learned that much at least."
"I know how frustrated you are," Harry murmured. "I don't understand what you like so much about sex, but I want you to be happy. And you agreed that I could seduce you."
"But I can't be happy if you only do this because of me," Sirius argued gently. "I promise, I will show you one day what I like so much about sex, but not before you want it as much as I. I'll be happy to let you seduce me, but maybe we should keep to kisses for now." He tried to kiss Harry, but the younger boy drew back.
"I knew you would think this ridiculous," Harry said with hurt in his voice, brushing past him. "I want to be alone, if you don't mind. I'm sorry."
Sirius sighed and sat down on the bed as Harry softly closed the door behind him, leaving only a faint memory of a scent behind. He knew that he was involuntarily putting a lot of pressure on Harry, that every night when he spooned around Harry and caressed the pale skin under his hands Harry felt like he was disappointing him. He wished he had enough control to stop before Harry noticed that he wanted so much more. And he wished that his veela side would be quiet for once and allow him to give Harry more time and not urge him to bond with Harry as soon as possible.
Harry was running and he was crying. Why didn't Sirius want him? Why if he loved him like he said, wouldn't he make Harry his? Why couldn't Harry just tell him that he wanted this, that he needed this?
Because it wasn't true: Harry didn't want this, the elf wanted this. The elf was hurt, Harry was relieved. He was seventeen, he was too young to be bonded to anyone. He had to defeat Voldemort and he didn't belong here.
He kept running till he reached the little clearing Lucius had shown him in his time. His vision blurred with tears, he sank down on the ground and sobbed even harder.
"Can't you leave me alone for once?" a harsh voice startled him out of his misery. "I don't want you here. This is my place. Mine. Do you understand that concept? It means that you are not welcome here. Leave me the hell alone!"
Harry scrambled to his feet, looking up into Lucius' furious face and then turned around to flee once more, fear taking over his earlier misery. Fear and pain. Not even Lucius could stand him anymore, he was just a nuisance, no one wanted him.
Lucius came back to his senses as those frightened green eyes looked up at him and he brushed his hand over his face, groaning. He had royally fucked up! He hadn't meant to shout at Harry like that. But he had retreated to this clearing so that for once he wouldn't have to be responsible for Narcissa or Harry. He loved Narcissa to death and he really cared about Harry, but sometimes he wanted to be just another eighteen-year-old boy and not their dominant. Narcissa had been inexplicably jealous because of something he said or did and even after he had calmed her down, she still wouldn't tell him why. That was the reason why he had come here.
He sighed and quickly made his way back to the castle, his obligation to be the perfect dominant once again catching up with him. Being a Malfoy meant that he had to maintain certain standards; it meant that he couldn't be just another normal teenager; it meant that his own problems did not exist because Malfoys did not have problems, they were in control always and without exception. If only that were true.
He hasted up to the castle, trying desperately to sense Harry and hoping against hope that he would find Harry before the little elf could hurt himself. It had started hailing big icy rocks by the time he reached the castle and he was afraid that Harry would not have gone inside, might even be responsible for the sudden change of weather. He needed to find the submissive and apologise, but all his attempts of sensing for Harry failed. He would need help to find him.
With quick steps, he made his way up to the Gryffindor common room and finally knocked imperiously on the door and then brushed past the student who opened the portrait.
"Look, Black save your insults for later," Lucius interrupted the other boy before he could open his mouth. "We need to find Harry, now!"
"What have you done?" Sirius asked, worried, getting up from where he had sat slumped on the sofa, brooding over what he could do to make Harry understand.
"Harry surprised me and I shouted at him to leave me alone," Lucius admitted. "He might have taken that the wrong way. Now, find him!"
"James! We have to find Harry," Sirius shouted through the common room.
"I'm coming, too," Severus said, getting up as well, after kissing Remus softly on the cheek.
Sirius growled impatiently and pushed past Lucius. "Where have you seen him last?"
"In the Forbidden Forest, but he ran into the direction of the castle," Lucius answered curtly. "I tried to sense him, but I couldn't find him. You should be able to, though."
Sirius sighed, closing his eyes and trying to catch that delicious scent, that little vibration of absolute submission, helplessness and the barest hint of defiance.
"I think he's outside," he suddenly declared, dashing in the direction of his mate.
The others followed him and only James and Severus had enough mind to perform a Water-and-Weather-Repelling charm as they stepped out of the safety of the castle. The lake was storm-beaten and the Whomping Willow swished its branches menacingly as hailstones crackled down on the ground like gun shots-
Harry was curled up against the castle wall, his head buried between his updrawn knees, hardly protected from the weather by the wall.
"Harry," Sirius said urgently but gently, reaching out to touch him.
"Leave me alone." Harry sobbed. "I don't want to be a burden."
"Harry, you aren't a burden," Sirius returned. "Let me get you inside. You'll be hurt."
"I don't want to." Harry sniffed, looking up at him with tear-filled eyes. "I don't want to, Sirius, please, please, just leave me alone."
Harry stood up, seeming somehow taller and smaller at the same time and slowly walked out into the storm, not wincing as the hailstones hit him.
Sirius made a hesitant step forward before he quickly caught up with his mate and lifted him in his arms, forcing his wings through his skin to wrap protectively around Harry. "I can't, Harry, not before we have talked about this."
The small elf went limp in his arms as if all the life had drained from his body. He quickly brought them back into the castle, letting Harry down in one of the unused classrooms and closing the door on the other boys so that they would have some privacy.
"Now, tell me why you think you're a burden," he said gently, stepping back to give Harry some space.
"Because you don't want me, no one wants me, no one ever wanted me," Harry said hollowly. "And you have to put up with me."
"I want you, Harry," Sirius said, but Harry turned his head away. "I love you."
"No, you don't," Harry said quietly. "I should have died out there then everyone could be happy."
"I wouldn't be happy if you weren't there, Harry," Sirius admonished him softly. "I can't live without you."
"Liar."
"No, Harry, I'm not. I didn't stop you earlier because I didn't want to bond with you, I do. But you don't have your creature senses that draw you towards me, you don't love me - not yet at least. I hope that you will one day, but even if you never fall in love with me, I'll be there and I'll wait. I don't want my veela side to force you into anything because even my human side loves you."
"Really?" Harry whispered, looking up hopefully. "You don't only love me because you have to?"
"Is that what has you feeling so bad?" Sirius asked softly. "I love you with everything I have, Harry. I don't have too many veela senses, the reason why I was able to deny my feelings for you for so long."
"But then why are you so jealous when I talk with Severus?" Harry asked in confusion.
"I'm afraid that's all me," Sirius murmured sheepishly. "I'm a veela, that's right, but it's not only my veela that loves you. I love you, Harry. I love how you smell, I love your laugh and the way your eyes sparkle when you do it, I love how you eat and the way you feel against me, I love to kiss you and to run my fingers through your hair, I love how you can calm any animal down, I love your wings, I love your voice and I love to watch you study because you always scrunch up your nose in that cute way and then you worry your bottom lip, I love to have you in my arms. I just love you, Harry."
"And if I never learn to love you?" Harry asked uncertainly. "What if I never give you as much love as you give me?"
"Then I'll just have to deal, won't I?" Sirius replied as calmly as possible. "My love for you isn't optional, Harry. I can't turn it off and on at a whim and it's not tied to certain conditions. I want you to love me, but more than that I want you to be happy." He took a deep breath. "If you want to find another dominant, I'd... it would break my heart, but..." He broke off, turning his face away so that Harry wouldn't see his tears.
He was surprised when slender arms wrapped around his neck and a cold, wet nose was pressed into his neck. "I don't want another dominant," Harry promised, his whole body aching with Sirius' pain. "I want you and I want to learn how to love you. I'm just not sure I can."
Sirius turned carefully in the awkward embrace, pulling Harry's delicate body against his own even though their wet clothes stuck uncomfortably to their skin. "Let us find out together, shall we?" Sirius murmured. "Maybe I'm lovable after all."
Harry's green eyes were wide and frightened as he looked at the veela. "What do you mean? Of course, you're lovable!"
"Am I?" Sirius said very softly. "Then how come my family despises me? How come that I never had a relationship that lasted more than a week? How come you don't love me?"
"My family doesn't like me either," Harry mumbled. "And I never had any relationship and before you I was kissed by one person, no, two, and both were trying to forget someone with that kiss. Does that make me unlovable? Because then we are very well matched."
"That's not what I meant," Sirius protested.
"But that's how it sounded," Harry replied. "I don't want to be unlovable, Siri."
Sirius' breath hitched and he pulled Harry even closer. "You're not, Merlin knows, you're not."
"Then you aren't, either?" Harry demanded, smiling brilliantly when Sirius hesitantly shook his head. "Good, because then I would have a very hard time with you as my mate, wouldn't I?"
Sirius chuckled softly. "You really do like manipulating me, don't you?"
Harry nodded timidly, peering up at the veela. "You don't mind?"
"No, but I do mind that you kissed two people," Sirius grumbled, half as a joke and half in all seriousness. "Are they any competition?"
"No," Harry said immediately, wondering if it wouldn't be best to tell Sirius now about the kiss with Severus. "You're kisses are much better and I won't kiss anyone else ever again, I promise. Don't be angry, please."
Sirius blinked in surprise. "I have no right to be angry. You didn't even know me then. It would be different if you kissed someone now, but I know you wouldn't do that. You told me to trust you and I do."
"Oh." Harry lowered his eyes, feeling absolutely miserable, but though he really believed that Sirius deserved to know, his courage failed him at the thought of Sirius' wrath. It hadn't meant anything, nothing romantic at least and Severus wouldn't tell. Sirius would never have to find out and it would be as if nothing had happened. Right?
"Harry? Harry? Are you alright? You spaced off there for a moment." Sirius shook him carefully.
"I'm sorry, I was just... thinking," Harry whispered, moving into Sirius' arms. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be. I imagine you were thinking about my kisses, weren't you?" Sirius laughed, but only got a weak smile in return, which worried him. "Harry, what's wrong? If something is bothering you, you have to tell me so that I can help you. Or am I the problem?"
"No!" Harry exclaimed before biting his bottom lip in thought.
"Harry?"
"You'll be angry and you'd have every right to be," Harry whispered miserably.
"Why would I be angry?" Sirius asked carefully. "You have nothing to be afraid of, I promise."
"I know you'll be angry," Harry murmured stubbornly. "You just said that you would."
"What? No, I didn't, I just told you..." Sirius trailed off, his eyes widening and then darkening into a storm. "You were kissed by someone! When we already were together! Is that it, Harry?" His voice got louder with every word and his hands kept Harry from cowering away.
"I'm sorry," Harry whimpered.
"Who was it?" Sirius demanded, shaking Harry, whose whimpers grew louder. "I'll kill them! I'll fucking kill them for forcing you."
"I wasn't forced." Harry's head snapped up, even though he didn't quite dare to meet Sirius eyes. "I kissed back."
"But... But you're my mate, you're my Harry. You wouldn't do that to me. No!" Sirius' voice had changed from anger to anguished despair and somehow this was so much worse for Harry to bear. "You wouldn't. I know you. Tell me that it's not true. Tell me!"
Harry's teeth drew blood as he bit through his lip because he wouldn't start lying to Sirius as well. What he had done was bad enough. "I'm sorry."
Sirius slumped to the floor in defeat, his arms leaving Harry. "Why? What did I do wrong? Why?"
Harry slipped to the floor as well, drawing his legs up to his chest. "I... It was a kiss good-bye," Harry started softly. "I didn't initiate it, but I didn't stop it, either, because I owed him that much and because in a way it felt good." Sirius winced and Harry was quick to continue, "Not good like your kisses, your kisses are perfect, but good because I wasn't cowering away, because I wasn't afraid, because there was no act of nature that demanded that kiss."
"And I'm scaring you? You only kiss me because you're a submissive and I'm a dominant?" Sirius demanded weakly. "Am I forcing you? Don't you like my kisses?"
"No, I like them very much, Siri," Harry murmured, carefully approaching the veela, relieved when he wasn't pushed away. "They make me forget about my problems, as if I was flying, but I just wanted to know if other kisses could do that for me too. I'm sorry. Please, forgive me."
Sirius took a shuddery breath, but then allowed Harry to crawl into his lap. "Do... do you have feelings for..."
"No, not like this, no romantic feelings at all, I promise," Harry replied. "And it won't ever happen again, but if you... if you don't want me anymore or want to rant at me or... just please, don't be so sad. I can't take that. Please, I didn't mean to. Please."
"Shh, you know that I would never not want you anymore," Sirius murmured, gathering Harry to his chest with a sigh.
"Please, stop being sad," Harry pleaded. "Please. I'll make it up to you. I didn't mean to hurt you."
"I know that, Harry," Sirius murmured. "I don't blame you, but it still hurts."
"I think I'd rather you were angry at me," Harry whispered, his hands shaking as he cupped the veela's cheek. "Siri, I love your kisses, only your kisses. And I just learned that I can't stand you being sad. Tell me what to do to make you feel better."
"Never again?" Sirius asked softly and Harry nodded vigorously. "Then let's not talk about it anymore."
"Are you sure?" Harry asked uncertainly.
"Yes, I'll get over it, though a few kisses might help." Sirius' grin was slightly strained, but Harry only too gladly accepted the lifeline Sirius had thrown him and timidly touched his lips to the older boy's.
He drew back insecurely when Sirius didn't react, starting to tremble uncontrollably. "Shh, beautiful, I was just enjoying myself. Try again."
Harry complied hesitantly, but then a happy moan escaped him when Sirius responded enthusiastically and tilted Harry backwards for a better angle, still supporting Harry with both arms, his large leathery wings shielding them both. Suddenly Harry tensed, whimpering in pain and Sirius drew back in concern, his fingers gently carding through Harry's hair. When he pulled back his fingertips were slightly red.
"Merlin, Harry, why didn't you say something?" Sirius asked, forgetting completely about any and all kisses. "Let's get you to the hospital wing, alright?"
"Hmm," Harry murmured, feeling a little light-headed, but still wrapped his legs around Sirius' waist. "Nice wings."
"Thank you, Harry," Sirius said gently, folding the large leathery wings around the smaller boy.
"My head hurts."
"That's not very surprising with those hailstones attacking you," Sirius replied, pressing a kiss to Harry's forehead. "At least one hit your head."
"I'm sorry," Harry whispered in his ear. "I didn't mean to cause you trouble."
"I know that," Sirius appeased him. "Don't worry."
"Harry, I'm sorry I shouted at you," Lucius said as Harry lay in the hospital wing with a mild pain relief coursing through his veins and a white bandage around his head to stop the bleeding of one of the deeper wounds. "It's just... that is my clearing. I always go there when I need to be alone and it didn't really register that you were upset and that you needed my help."
"I didn't come there for your help," Harry murmured. "The man who brought me here showed me that place, he said I should go there when being an elf became too much. I didn't know you were there."
"I didn't know that, Harry." Lucius looked apologetically at him. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to say those things."
"Yes, you did," the green-eyed boy returned. "I'm sorry I angered you and that I went to that clearing."
"I had no right to shout at you, Harry." Lucius squeezed his hand. "I'll look for another place to brood. This clearing is yours alone now. Just a little compensation, but I understand if you don't want to forgive me."
"Thank you, Lucius, but I understand." Harry smiled at him. "Why do you think I go there? But please don't shout at me like that again. It scared me."
"I won't, Harry." Lucius nodded earnestly. "I care about you, okay? Never forget that. Even if I'm angry at you, I will still care about you."
"Thank you. I care about you, too."
"Do you want us to stay here?" Lucius asked, but Harry shook his head, wincing immediately. "Then I'll see you tomorrow."
"Never do something as stupid as this again," Severus muttered gruffly. "Since you so fiercely insist on possessing more than a shred of common sense, you would do well to make use of it."
"I agree, Mr. Snape." A younger Madam Pomfrey bustled into the room. "Mr. Parker needs rest now, so out with you."
"I want to stay," Sirius said, turning on his charm and giving her his best puppy-dog eyes.
He could feel Harry suppress his snickers beside him, but since his tactic was successful, he bore with it. Madam Pomfrey bustled around Harry for a moment longer after she had shooed the others out and then left for her office with the strict instructions for Harry not to leave the bed and to drink a lot.
Sirius smiled at his small mate before he carefully got into the bed.
"I got you back," Harry declared, happily snuggling up to the grey-eyed boy, who arched an eyebrow in question. "After that talk with Lily, you were... not yourself. I didn't like that."
"You didn't?" Sirius asked in shocked surprise. "But I thought this would help you to become more comfortable, show you that I'll always leave you a choice."
"I knew that before," Harry argued carefully. "But I'm still not sure if I have a choice, you know, because I'm an elf? But that is nothing you can influence and certainly not by changing who you are. I want my Sirius, not the Sirius Lily thinks I need. If there is a Sirius who I can call mine?" Harry added insecurely.
Sirius' handsome face split into a grin. "I think I know one who fits that description. Would you like it if he kept you company, Harry?"
"Yes, very much." Harry sighed in contentment, brushing a kiss over Sirius' cheek. "Thank you."
"No need to thank me," Sirius murmured, also pecking Harry's cheek. "I'm just sorry your seduction ended like this."
"I'm kind of glad," Harry murmured. "You were right, I didn't really want it. I care about you and I'm kind of curious how it would feel, but I want to be absolutely sure. I want you to be absolutely sure that you want me."
"We have enough time, Harry," Sirius answered. "As much time as you want."
Harry sighed as he felt Sirius drift off to sleep behind him. If only that was true.