I used to be a person.
I used to live my days by sleeping in, reading books, hanging out with my family, eating shitty but delicious food, and going on with my life.
I accepted my way of life and I loved it. Sometimes I had fantasies about saving the world, surviving in a zombie apocalypse, getting a system, and cultivating. In general, something that I am not and will never be.
I used to think it was a curse that I was born in the 20th century. Where technology was just starting to flourish but was not advanced enough to be called sci-fi. Where the world was peaceful but had the occasional world-wide riot or suffering for the idiotic actions of one's leader. Where the young were simple and ignorant but got corrupted over time by the internet. Where a dull life can suppress one mentally were they just use one word to interact with others. Neat.
I used to think that it was all a curse. It wasn't until I was 15 years old living in a divorced family, jumping from house to house. Suppressing my true feelings because if I someday release them I might lose my financial support. Deciding to go to a boarding school so that I can run away from my problems. That I realized it wasn't a curse, and that was just how life was.
So I accepted life and lived my days normally. Not trying to reach for something I wouldn't obtain. Not by dreaming about something that will never happen. Not by paving a way for myself into the future. I just lived. I went my days by going with the flow. Not being surprised by anything and simply using words like "cool", "neat", and "sure" to interact with others. An idiotic action that caused me to never have an amazing life but also never have a life that can leave me hurt.
But now I regret everything.
I regret how I lived. I regret that I never dreamed of something amazing and at least tried to obtain it. I regret not trying to reach for something even when I know it will not happen. I regret not paving a path in life. I regret distancing myself from my family. I regret pushing everyone away causing my days to be mundane and dull. I regret not enjoying the simple things and distancing myself from the complex ones. I regret all my decisions and actions that made my life empty of emotions and positive interactions.
I regret.
But it's too late now.
On my drive home from school. Some guy texting while driving slammed his car straight into the back of mine at about 95 mph (152.888 kph). This was the day I decided to not wear my seatbelt. Another action for me to regret.
When our cars smashed into each other, I flew through my windshield shattering it. Causing many glass shards to impale my body causing me to bleed all over. Even though the cuts were insignificant after the accumulating tons of them it became deadly.
Soon after flying through my windshield, I was airborne for about 2 seconds. I soon made contact with the street. The street on my way home from school is a rough concrete with many small but jagged spikes smaller than the eye can see.
As I scrapped across the street leaving a trail of shredded skin and blood. The first sound to reach my ears, was my bones breaking. One by one, head to toe. I could hear my bones go from creaking to cracking, to breaking, and finally nothing. At the time I was in a daze looking at the sky confused about what's happening. Thousands of thoughts were flying through my head.
'What happening?'
'Why can't I move?'
'Why can't I feel anything?'
'Why can I see only the sky?'
'Why is the sky red?'
'Why is this happening?'
'This isn't supposed to be happening.'
'I should still be in my car.'
'Driving home from school.'
'Right?'
'Did I perhaps fall asleep while driving?'
'Neat'
I didn't accept reality at first. It wasn't until I looked down at my body that it finally hit me. Body parts twisted into the wrong angles, teeth scattered around a pile of broken glass. Bones piercing out my body gushing blood around my surroundings, a pool of blood so wide it looked like a lake, and finally my car with an empty driver seat.
I didn't feel any pain at first. I thought it was because of my adrenaline coursing throughout my entire body trying to keep me conscious. Sadly that was not the case, because after another second went by my car finally started moving forward. It wasn't moving too fast but just enough to not get stopped when running me over. Slowly but surely it moved across my body. From my feet to knees, my knees to my hips, my hips to the chest, and finally crushing my head.
During that whole process, I was conscious. The horror of watching my body getting crush one after another. As if it was a funny joke the second it came into contact with my feet was when the pain kicked in.
I would never forget this pain even if I were to reincarnate. It started small, like the sharp but burning pain, you feel from getting stung by a bee. Increasing to feel like a mixture of getting punched hard in the balls, and getting cut by a knife (for girls reading this I would say getting punched in the boob, but I don't know what that feels like so sorry for that lack of description and my lack of ability). Finally reaching a pain that is indescribable by words. The only way I could probably describe it is by getting shot in the balls or having bugs slowly eat you alive.
When the final moment arrived for my death, it was like the world turned off. The pain was gone, my five senses were missing, the world was black, bringing along a feeling of emptiness and dullness.
Normally when a person is about to die their life flashes before their eyes. They watch the actions they took to become the person they currently are. They think about what they have done and what they regret. They even have final words even though no one is there to hear it. Some survive their incidents and change to become a "new" person. Some die full of regrets. Others die happy for the way they lived their life. Others mad because they are dying.
But it was different for me. My life didn't flash before my eyes. I didn't have any regrets. Nor did I have a longing for anything. The only thing I did was say one word.
Neat.
Nothing more, nothing less.
Just neat.
and that simple word is what started my fall into hell.
While also being my biggest regret