Hey... Author here.
The past few days I don't really know what to do anymore.
I'm going to be honest with everyone here.
If you check my books. A lot of them share one common thing.
They reach a few dozen chapters. Then they stop.
Stop because of my stupidity.
Stop because my brain was apparently hardwired to say that. "Oh... This thing sucks. I could do better."
"You should re write it cause you fucked up."
Yeah... My brain keeps telling me that.
If I'm not satisfied with my work I tend to make plans on re writing it.
Being summoned isn't easy at all.
The Almighty Supporter.
Even my fanfic. (SL3 DXD ATG) The boy who leapt through the multiverse.
All of them... Kinda stop.
Stop due to me wanting to re write them and I hate it.
Why want to re write these books?
I...
Well I just keep doubting myself. Pessimism and all that. Every chapter I release I ask myself if I'm doing good. And every person who kinda... Read my novels And stay. Comment or give powerstone.
It warms me up that someone out there is having fun reading my trash. Yet it also pressures me a little. Telling myself that I should not fuck up or disappoint the readers.
At the same time. My stupid low self esteem personality tells me that what I'm writing is utter stupidity.
Three times man. Three times. Three novels...
Three times I made something alright. Only to be ruined by what I think and losing all motivation or heart. Making me want to re write things again.
I'm not looking for clout.
I don't want to be praised or something.
I just want to write a goddamn novel and complete it without feeling that I'm not good enough. And maybe get it adapted into a manga if I do good enough.
I just want to successfully...
Successfully create a world that people can get lost in.
A world that can serve as an escape from reality.
I know how shitty life can be despite being 17.
I just want to do that!
But i can't!
I admit. I suck at writing.
Yet I have high writing standards.
Chuchuhu chapter should be like this etc.
This should make reader cry chuchuchu....
Chuchchu you must make the reader get lost and immersed in the work.
Those things. Make it harder to write.
When I write... I'll reach up to 2k words for a chapter.
Then if I feel like the chapter isn't good enough.
I delete everything I've written. And start again. Rinse repeat. Rinse repeat. Sometimes it takes five restarts. Sometimes ten or more.
This adds up to my self disappointment.
I know my novel has potential and I know it has a good future. I've thought out the plot. ending and key moments.
Yet I suck at execution.
Goddangit. I don't know why I'm breaking down all of a sudden.
I don't know why I'm like this.
In my mind... Are hundreds of stories. Hundreds of unique settings. Scifi. Fantasy. Psychological Horror. Stuff like that.
The Almighty Supporter... I wanted it's main takeaway to be "you die a hero or live long enough to be the villain."
Being Summoned Isn't Easy at all. I wanted to show what makes a human. Human. And how a monster can be a human albeit being cold and ruthless. And how even a monster can be better than humanity itself.
I hate it! I hate myself.
Maybe I should just quit writing at this point.
A stupid seventeen year old boy who can't even form proper sentences shouldn't even dream of making something good.
I just feel so lost.
Sorry if you loved this novel.
Sorry for disappointing again.
At the end of the day. Once my brain finally settles on an answer.
It's either that this book gets re written or I pick up another book from my list of to re writes.
Or I may just quit.
I'll be gone for a few days. Even up to a month.
I'm just seventeen. I should be happy and play video games at home due to this stupid pandemic. I'm at home...
But this home...
Why does it feel like a cage?