"Mom..."
Ji Yun's head hurts. She frowns when a sudden clamp squeezed her skull. This is another hungover she has to bear. Awakened weak and exhausted, she heard a faintly thin and high sound. It was childlike, but it was mellow and warm.
"Mommy..."
Ji Yun look down when she felt a warm hand tagging her hand. She immediately stiffened. She can't believe the wonder she's been seeing now. The child quickly let go of her hand, seemingly intimidated.
"You..." Ji Yun's mouth was like a goldfish opening and closing its mouth. There are a lot of words she wanted to say but doesn't know where to begin.
"Mommy, are you alright?" the child softly asked, but the worry in his tone was apparent. Those pitch-black eyes are intently looking at her, how she yearned to see those eyes again.
"Ah? Uhm." it took seconds for Ji Yun to answer. "I'm fine." She looks up and had a quick scan of the surrounding. They are currently in her son's study room, and she was with him-- her son.
"How-- what are you doing right now?" she calmly asked, but she can hear how loud her heartbeats in her ears.
Su Rong smiles brightly. "I already finished my homework. I also memorized the spelling of the words you gave earlier mom. I'm now planning to continue reading these books and also..."
Ji Yun stares at her child. She clearly remembered when Ah Rong was young, every time she asked, 'what are you doing right now?' the automatic reply was the report on the progress of his learning. Similar to a soldier conditioned to report to his commander. She made him like this.
She made him acts so maturely at his young age. Looking at him right now, his small and slender stature, white arms that resembled lotus roots, Ji Yun felt like crying. If this is a dream, she doesn't want to wake up. It hurts but she missed him more.
"Good. Very good." Ji Yun repeatedly nods her head. She gulps and tries to erase the astringent taste due to her trying to stop her tears. She tried but she couldn't help her tears from falling. Small sobs turned into a more intense cry. Big tears were falling continuously.
"Mommy! Mommy, what's wrong? Why are you crying?" the boy was alerted to his mother's sudden cry.
Ji Yun had long waited to hear this voice--his voice. In those three years, her greatest fear is to forget, but as time goes by, even when she tried his voice gradually became faint in her memory. She wanted to hear him call her mom again. She wished she had talked to him often back then.
Only the interviews he has had saved her from forgetting. The TV was always on, showing his interviews, kept reminding her that those were the voices of her child. If only she tried to record him more, made a lot of memories together, she could stop her brain from forgetting.
How desperate she was for this dream. She wished for these three years to let him visit her in her dream even once, but it never happens. She thought maybe her son is angry and deliberately refuse to show in her dreams.
She was so grateful. She was so honored to have this dream. This dream is extremely vivid. Is this what they called lucid dreaming? She is happy from the bottom of her heart. She can now finally say those words she intently wishes to say to him.
Ji Yun chuckles pathetically. How can she ask for forgiveness in a dream? Still, she maybe wanted to try to trick her heart a little bit, that maybe she was given a chance to talk to him and apologize.
"Ah Rong" she murmured, calling to her 27-year-old son.
"Hmm?" the little boy responded. Tilting his head a little in curiosity.
"Xiao Rong" she smiles weakly, calling to the young self of her child.
"Yes, mommy?"
"Mom is sorry," her voice cracked and was thick with sorriness. "My baby, mommy's very sorry..."
Su Rong hugged her softly. The hug was warm, and it brought calmness to her crying heart. "It's okay, mommy. It's okay." His small hands are patting her back gently. The child barely reaches her chest, but she felt comfortable like he's an adult that can protect her.
"It is not okay. Why it is okay?" she whispered between her sobs."I-- I'd made you like this."
Su Rong's fine eyebrows are currently furrowed. Worries reflected in his eyes. He's a little bit helpless. He doesn't know why his mother was saying those words.
"What is wrong with me?" he then asked.
Ji Yun slowly puts her hands on her son's thin shoulders and looks at him in the eyes. "You--" This child acted maturely but still innocent of the wrongdoings she put him through. She suddenly felt scared. Does his young self still believe and trust her at this age? She tightly grips but immediately loosened up, worried that her hold might hurt him.
"I-- " She thought she could instantly confess all her fault, but the thought that her child might still believe and trust her made her reluctant to say a word. She doesn't want to shatter this innocence. Maybe, she can just bury the past?
Su Rong's big and bright eyes are intently looking at her while patiently waiting for her words. Maybe, her Ah Rong was also waiting for her words. The sincere apology she denied to him.
"Mother is selfish." She never knew that it was this difficult to say those three words. Her eyes are hot and reddened but continue to confess.
"You were born because your mother is selfish, and wants to tie your father with you as a tool. You see--" her voice suddenly cracked. "Mothers shouldn't be like that." Accumulated tears were falling again.
"I continue to use you for those people's acknowledgment. I'm ashamed when you acted like a child when you are still this young. You shouldn't mature this fast. You shouldn't be this considerate to others. You can whine. You can tantrums. It's okay to act like a kid because you're still a kid. Even when you grow older, suppressing your feeling is not right. Tell mom. Mommy will not know because she's so self-centered. You have to tell mommy what you feel so mommy will know. Tell mommy if I'm hurting you. Tell mommy many times so I can change."
Su Rong doesn't know why his tears are also falling. He doesn't feel that aggrieved because he believes her mother loves him, like now. Just, there was a moment he wished that maybe they are more closer so he can talk to her anything without being intimidated. He is happy that his mommy finally let him take the steps to get closer to her. He's content with that.
"It's okay mommy. I forgive you."
Ji Yun's heart hurt so much. How much damage did she instill in this precious child for him to kill lives?
+++
Nighttime came. After having dinner together, Ji Yun asked Su Rong's permission to sleep in his room. Even though she realizes that this is not a dream, she still doesn't want to leave an eye on him as he might disappear.
"It's really alright with you that I'm sleeping here?" Ji Yun asked Su Rong again.
"Yes." He immediately nods his head.
"I am not imposing on you? You have to say if you dislike it. Mommy will not get angry again. I will listen to you."
Su Rong giggled. "You're not imposing, mom." He snuggled to her and smell her special scent. It's like reassurance and tenderness. He couldn't believe his wish will come true. "I want to hug mommy like this. I also want to sleep together with mommy."
Ji Yun laughs heartily. She was never been this happy for the past three years and felt genuine joy in her whole life. The mother and child were snuggling closely in the wide bed. Contentment and satisfaction are warming up the place. Ji Yun vowed to protect and love this child from now on. She promised she will be a good mother to her lovely child.
"Do you want mommy to do anything?" she smiles gently. "Mommy can sing you a lullaby or tell you a story."
Su Rong's eyes shimmer like diamonds when he hears her mom can sing to him or tell him a story. These things are the wishes that he let go of a long time ago. Now, he can finally have it.
"I want both!" Like a child receiving his first gift, Su Rong was excited.
Ji Yun's smile became bigger. She can finally sing those lullabies she practiced while in drunkenness, or narrate those stories she learned before she visits his burial ground. How thankful she is for this second chance. How honored she is to have this chance. She will be with her baby again. She can finally show him how much she truly regrets.
It's a long night for the mother and child, but it didn't bother them. That night is the start of the gap that is slowly coming to close. Regrets gradually vanished and wishes are slowly been granted.
+++
Su Jian can finally rest after long consecutive meetings. He returned to his office to gather his things before going home, abruptly a thought came that causes him to stiffen. That woman miraculously didn't bother him today. He checked the phone he has just for her, but no recent messages or calls received.
"Did she calls you?" Su Jian asked his assistant.
"Madam? No. She didn't call or leave a message today." replied by the secretary he recently hires.
Su Jian exquisite brows knitted. The Ji Yun he knew was obsessed with his riches. He knew she knew that he doesn't love her, so she constantly tries to secure her status as a wife. He was so irritated by how she likes to checks-up on him that he leaves that special phone locked up in his drawers every time he was at a meeting. He has to be attentive, her check-ups are so untimely.
Many times he wished to lead astray the woman who steadily following him like a tail. She was so guarded to the people surrounding him to the point that even he has to change his secretary. He sometimes just indulge her in her whims to avoid her fake concerns and felt annoyed. Now, that woman successfully irritates him again.
Su Jian's face darkened. He doesn't know why he suddenly bothered by her silence. Maybe, he was waiting on the update of his child's matters. That woman constantly updates him about his Xiao Rong's activities or school events. Nevertheless, she still uses their child to start a conversation with him which irked him.
"Let's go." Su Jian will not bother anymore. Why did he bother in the first place? That woman is aggravating. Still, he will just indulge her. He was also partly thankful because those updates made him felt closer to Xiao Rong even without constant interaction with him.
Now, there's no update.
Su Jian sneered. It's just the silence of that specific phone was like a miracle, nothing else.
+++
"What happened today?" Su Jian asked the butler the moment he returned home. Cai Xun thoroughly reports the happening inside the villa and the young master Su's activities.
"Wait. You said their eyes and nose are reddened, Ji Yun? Not just Xiao Rong?"
"Madam was also sobbing while they having dinner together earlier." Cai Xun tattled.
Su Jian raises a brow. He never saw her let a tear fall again after their first conversation in college. Even when he purposely wanted her to cry, that woman always stands confidently and arrogantly. What happened? He was so curious but doesn't want to ask.
"Okay." Su Jian said. He waited for the follow-up but the tattletale Cai Xun surprisingly didn't say anything. He just bowed his head as he believes Su Jian already doesn't want to listen.
Su Jian's handsome face distorted when he enters their bedroom. His mood further lowers when he finds it deserted.
Where is she?
That night Su Jian has difficulties falling to sleep. The wide bed looks empty when he's just laying on it. That woman nags at him in these eight years that he just let her be. He can finally get away from her, but he is so annoyed with her new outrageous whims, he can't fall asleep.
Earlier in the morning, dark shades beneath in Su Jian's eyes are apparent. He just slept for an hour but he ought to wake up to catch a flight.