Ji Yun couldn't sleep. She keeps staring at her young son's sleeping face and still couldn't believe the happenings she had experienced today. A broad smile lingers on her face. She couldn't ponder how she has bestowed this chance. Her heart was just filled with gratitude to whoever let her be with her son again. Bright eyes, she beamed at the realization that they can be together from on.
Ji Yun couldn't help and touch his head. She caresses his soft hair that dark as the night, afraid to wake him up, she moves her hand so carefully as if she is touching a fragile treasure. Then, she lightly touches his small face that as white as an eggshell. Her fingertips graze his fine brows to his cute pointed nose. She later gently lay her hand on his cheek that still has baby fats. Feeling its softness and warmth,Ji Yun bit her lips but still couldn't stop her urge to kiss those plump cheeks.
Ji Yun shyly leaves a light kiss. When her son didn't wake up, she smiles like a Cheshire cat. The promised' one kiss turned in to two, and so on. When Su Rong steers toward her chest to hide his face from his mother's butterfly kisses, Ji Yun just grins at her little mischief. This son of her looks lovely even in his sleep. He's so adorable and precious. She didn't know why she let herself missed this moment in her previous life.
Ji Yun's wide smile gradually drop. Remembering the past made her heart wrench. In those three years after her's son death, Ji Yun slowly realizes how terrible a mother she has been. There are no memories similar to this day. She never slept in her child's room, or kiss him when he was sleeping. She was too obsessed with the shadow of her ideals.
While she was busy acquiring Su Jian's love, she failed to notice that she missed the chance to experience this kind of wonderful moment. She's so attentive to what others perceive that she forced her son to act beyond his age and stole his childhood. He never behaves intimately to her or acts a little wild as a kid should have. Her authoritarian child-rearing leads her Ah Rong to suppress his emotion. Her words attacked him psychologically, it creates many negative childhood memories that he silently repressed.
Ji Yun was so ashamed and guilty for her child. Every time she talks to her psychiatrist and learns more about her son's difficulties, the knife in her chest throbs. She learned that repressed memories or old hurts from the past leads to all sorts of issues as an adult. It can even create a sociopath. The thought that he is a sociopath made her cannot breathe. She sinned to her child.
This lovely young man beside her kills a lot of people when he grew up in her past life. He might kill those people to release anger, hurt, and stress accumulated in his heart. She knew he isn't inherently evil, she believed she was the one who shapes him to be cold-hearted. It is because she naively thought he will only survive in the high society if he becomes unsympathetic to his competitor or throw the things that he has no gain. She trained him to feel less remorseful. She didn't notice the implication will make his conscience that weak.
Never again. Ji Yun vowed that she will not let him experience those things for a second time. She will not enforce her wish to her Ah Rong again. She will listen and change her self-centered behavior. She swears that those agonies and loneliness she let him experienced will not be repeated in this life. Every time she closes her eyes, memories of his confession before he died keep repeating in her mind. She will not let him felt pain again. This baby beside her, she will treasure him this time.
'My Ah Rong, I'm so sorry that I become your mom. Thank you so much for your love. You believe in this failure mother that you achieve those desires I dictate for you to have. I didn't notice you were suffocating just to make me proud. You should destroy me. Those people should insult me not you. Why do you have to further sabotage yourself? Mom will be good this time. I promise.'
Ji Yun falls asleep while whispering to the son that she's no longer able to save. While uttering her remorse and apologies, she also hopes that her Ah Rong will guide her so that history will not repeat this time around.
+++
The moment Ji Yun woke up, she muttered her gratitude for being able to hold her son again. Seeing him still asleep beside her, she gave his soft cheek a light kiss, before she carefully rises from the bed. She then meticulously tucks the blanket to him to avoid letting the cold sip through.
Ji Yun decided that she will cook for this little man today. She learns how to cook for Su Jian but she stops cooking because it saddened her when the expected appreciation never happens. She serves him dishes she painstakingly made but he just glances at it. Now, her passion in cooking returns. Knowing that her son likes it doubled her desire to cook more tasty food. This is the difference between a forced love and being love genuinely.
When Ji Yun entered the dining hall after cooking, she was greeted by the sight of Su Jian elegantly drinking his coffee. She lifts a brow the moment she noticed those dark circles beneath his eyes. Su Jian immediately gave her a death glare when he felt her gaze. She holds her smile. The Su Jian of this time is at the stage where he always antagonizes her. The years of companionship validate her thought that Su Jian is not that bad. He cares, but always hides underneath that cold facade of his.
"Place the plates here," Ji Yun ordered to the maids. On the long table, she pointed the farthest seat from Su Jian. "Also, put Xiao Rong's plate beside me," she said before she decides to go back to Su Rong's room.
Ji Yun already turns her back. Su Jian couldn't believe that she just dismiss him!
"Where did you sleep last night?" a cold voice stops Ji Yun's step. She deliberately ignores him but this husband of her couldn't take a hint. The thought of facing him right now still produces unwanted bitter taste in her mouth. She clearly remembered, this guy also takes part in pushing their child to doom.
"At Xiao Rong's room. Didn't you asked Cai Xun?" Ji Yun rhetorically questioned while looking at him in the eyes. Su Jian remains silent. Of course, Ji Yun knew he will not ask, he doesn't want others to know that he cares where she been. She just intentionally asked to silence him. "While we're at it, I decided it is better to move to a different room--" she continued but was cut off.
"Why--"
"Also, I think I now agree to divorce." she quickly added.
"What?" Su Jian's face looks baffled. He intently stares at her face as if it was too out of character.
"Let's file a divorce. Don't make that face. We both know it's a dead marriage."
"I will not give you a cent." he retorted.
"Sure," she immediately agreed. She wanted to add a few words but she noticed the little footsteps nearing. "Let's discuss this again when you've returned," she seriously said to him before turning her head to the approaching Xiao Rong.
"Good morning, Mommy. Good morning, Dad." Su Rong greets with a light smile.
"Good morning, baby! How's your sleep?" Ji Yun cheerfully replied. Su Jian was startled at the 180 degrees change of her tone. "Come. Let's eat breakfast. Mom cooked today for you." she delightfully assisted their son to the table while Su Jian was still looking bewildered.
Su Jian couldn't believe his eyes. Peering speechlessly at the mother and child that was happily chatting while eating. He suddenly has the urge to buy a new table set. This long table is like a barricade. He can only view from afar.
"Dad, taste mom's cooking. It's delicious!" Su Rong offered enthusiastically. His father looked up in a stoic face. Su Jian gave a glance and a nod then reverts in drinking his coffee.
Su Rong smiles lightly at his father's cold action. After placing the food near him, Su Rong returns to his sit and smiles a bit.
"Come, have a taste of this". Ji Yun places a slice of meat in his place. Su Rong gave his thanks and continue to eat.
This is the reason why Ji Yun decided to divorce. Su Jian is not bad as a person but his attitude to their son is destructive comparable to her faults. His cold demeanor creates an ongoing pattern of emotional distance between them. She knew it was just a facade to shield himself, but this still annoys her. For god's sake, Su Rong is already seven. It's been years. She knew her previous action is unforgivable, but she felt it is enough for him to allow their child to his barrier. Sadly, Ji Yun witnessed how Su Rong aged and just accept this reality.
Su Jian might be scared to nurture a child because of his past so he often limits the amount of affection and nurturing he extends to their child, but Su Rong is still a child. He longed for love and attention, and Su Jian's repeated rejection will induce a huge impact on their child's personality.
Ji Yun's psychiatrist told her how an uninvolved parent can damage a child. A chick only takes seconds after birth to recognize their mother hen and followed her to survive. An uninvolved parent has a major influence on a child's achievement. They didn't set any rules but they didn't also place any expectations. This dismissive behavior makes a child feel that their existence is insignificant and no value. The hen is vital for the growth of the chick. The abandonment could kill them.
Ji Yun wanted to protect him. She doesn't want Su Rong to feel that way again. She was authoritative in child-rearing but she has been there with him throughout his life. An uninvolved parent is an absentee parent. What's the difference when she divorce? She experienced single-handedly nurture her child while having a disengaged husband. She's just changing her status to a single parent, nothing more.
Ji Yun sighed when she sees the disappointment in Su Rong's face. If she's the one who will make the decision, she will go through with the divorce. Now, she felt how important his father to him, she has to pay attention to her child's wants. She learned from the past that by becoming a parent, your priority is your child's happiness. She's not only Ji Yun anymore. She is a mother.
She will later discuss this with Su Jian after he returned, for now, she has to think about how she could ask Su Rong's take regarding the idea of divorce.
+++
Meanwhile, on the plane, a certain guy was preoccupied with the previous conversation he had with his wife. The woman who was so obsessed with him suddenly discard him.
Divorce?
How could she!
Su Jian was in deep contemplation. He already felt he will be absent-minded throughout these meetings.