I have always fascinated the concept of regret. It's a beautiful pain that would always remind us of the things we could've become if we were less scared to the uncertainties and hard-truths of life.
This pain of regret comes from both paghihinayang and pagsisi; From the things we wish we did, and the things we wish we did not do.
At this point of time, hindi ko na alam ang dapat kong maramdaman whenever that thought comes to mind.
I just feel numb and dumbfounded whenever those emotions cover my system. My mind then starts feeding its inner saboteur.
"Hannah, ayos ka lang?"
"Hannah!"
"Putang ina, sandali!"
'Di ko pinansin sila Joyce and Eli, wala nakong maintindihan sakanilang dalawa. The world stopped before me, until I found myself running towards the practice booth sa backstage.
I can feel my heart pounding in my chest and I can only hear my heavy breathing.
Why would Alejandro do something like this again?
Last time he did something like this, he almost died. I can't stand seeing him again like that. Doses of vile fluid can wreck his brain aborting their functions resulting to mental coma.
My tears started falling right after seeing the motionless body of Alejandro. As I rushed checking his stagnant body, I seem to sense that he's still breathing yet deeply unconscious.
The room is a mess; liquor bottles, syringes, and other drug paraphernalia were lying on the floor.
Nakapatay lahat ng ilaw except the small lampshade in the corner of the booth. This is the only means of seeing him exuding such aura of being lost, sad, and confused.
He's not in this world again. He's way out there... to swim the rivers of his imagination.
I dared doing nothing except sa buhatin siya at ilagay sa foldable bed. I know he will be okay... natutulog lang siya.
Sana.
After checking his situation, I locked the door and switched off the lights. Hindi na nya kailangan ng doctor. At least, I can't bring him to the hospital... no one can see him like this.
Even Eli.
Alejandro is in a totally difficult situation. He's locked up in a sugarcoated hell of his own paradise. Walang dapat makakita sakanyang ganito kamiserable.
Ano nalang ang iisipin ng university administration? ng student council?
Ako lang ang meron siya ngayon. I must protect him at all cost.
Because of that, I stayed all night though meron akong meetings na need i-prepare for tom. The band members texted me that they have to go home already. Eli insisted on waiting saming dalawa but I kept resisting.
Kailangan na niya munang umalis.
I'm thankful that he's truly understanding.
Siguro sa pagod at sobrang pag-aalala, nakatulog pala ako. The thing is, I have waited long; praying and hoping that he's okay.
Right before my eyes, I saw Alejandro smiling in front of me.
That smile. That damn smile.
"Thank God you're okay now. Alalang-ala ako sayo, Alej." Sabi ko nang may sobrang pag-aalala. Buti naman nagising na siya. I can't stand seeing him suffer that much.
I moved from my stool and checked if he has fever of any sort. Baka hindi pa pala siya okay.
While checking his temperature, he just held my other hand and electricity seems to start flowing within its veins.
"I'm relieved na wala kang lagnat. Pero please naman, 'wag mo na 'tong ulitin ha? Nakaka-putang ina eh. Ilang beses ka na ba naming napagsabihan?!"
He paused for a while then gently replied, "Nagugutom ako, where do you want to eat Hannah?"
I was caught off guard sa pag-iba nya ng topic. He must know na hindi pa'ko tapos na kumuda dito. Makaka-tikim 'din to ng sermon pag okay-okay na siya.
"Anywhere... Ikaw ba, san mo gusto?"
"I want to eat somewhere in Pampanga, Hannah. Will you come home with me?"
Shit. I have scheduled meetings bukas. 'Di ako pwedeng umuwi ngayon. I must be frank with him, kailangan kong sabihin na hindi pwede.
Before I got the chance to reply, he silently cried then he said, "I came to see mom in my dreams... Hannah, she's really beautiful, if only I could see her again."
Seeing Alejandro like this vulnerable and miserable caught me off guard. He's never been like this... He never unmask his true feelings since the day I met him. This is all new to me.
I suddently can't feel my knees and my heart felt heavy. Wala nakong magawa kundi tumango nalang at samahan siya.
"Okay sige, but tell me how you felt when you met your passed Mom again."
-
It's 11 pm.
Alejandro seems to be a little tensed and distracted. While driving, I can see his hands trembling and grabe pagpapawis niya. I asked him to stop somewhere near Tanghalang UP.
'Di pakami nakakalayo, naramdaman ko na agad na hindi na 'to muna dapat matuloy. He needs to rest na muna or else we'll see ourselves in haywire.
The car was just there... in one of UP's coldest night in February. Tahimik lang kami pareho at pawang aircon lang ng kotse at paghinga lang namin ang naririnig sa kawalan.
Until he sang a song with unfamiliar words mixed together with hums that create a whole new melody. The song that makes this night complete...
Another song that will sell out soon. In a fast-paced market.
Another song that came from the world he created.
A subtle, slow and flowy melody with words undistinguished by the ear.
It kept going not until he spoke with teary eyes facing mine.
"It's a song I made for mom..," he said in a coarse voice.
"It's beautiful." I replied.
"Hannah, would it be too much for me to ask for an angel like her once more?"
I did not reply. I simple held his face as he continue crying. I felt every word he said penetrating my soul.
It truly was a painful sob.
"See you next week, Hannah. Sorry for the trouble I've caused you. You can leave now. Uwi nalang muna ako sa condo."
"Sure thing."
Lumabas ako ng kotse niya and saw him rushed his way back to his condo.
Tang ina
I've always felt responsible for your pain, Alejandro. I should've been there when Tita left. I know how things might've scarred you.
I could've been a shoulder you can cry on or at least a friend you can rely.
I have always felt sorry for being scared.
It has been one of my regrets.
I sure did lots of horrible things that troubled you. Tell me, how can I forgive myself from not being the person you needed then?