Alejandro's obsidian orbs brimmed heavy with glowing pecks of starlight; his hands clenched into shaking fists yet they seem graceful from a glance. His voice have always felt like the music I'd love to drown myself with. His face, so delicate, like the charm of a child, melting this chilly little heart.
If I were myself from years ago, I would've easily left to retract myself from hurting.
However, times have change me. My regrets have always haunted me since that day. This was the main reason I refused to look away, even though my lips trembled and these shoulders were heaved with emotions that have made me feel numb.
Despite the pain, guilt, and remorse, I still found myself unwilling to back down.
A lone tear traced down my cheek, and just like that, I felt hopeless again. As I weep, tears streaming from this deep blue eyes that were loud with heavy sobs tearing my throat
And I still did not look away.
That moment on, I know that I'm in a desperate battle against the grief of a love that seems so near yet so far.
These tears cannot extinguish what has been, yet only carry me forward until a time comes when that pain of regret is distant enough to forget more than remember, and maybe one day erase itself from this heart that still clings to the hope of fulfilling what might've been.
I stopped crying when a striking thought entered my system.
I'm emotionally cheating to Eli.
That Eli, who was there for me when the world seems crashing right before my eyes. That Eli, who kisses me when he feels weak and insecure. That Eli, whose heart seems completely guarded but have it kept open for me.
As I glance in his direction, fear started crawling within my chest; like an uncontrolled burst of water in rivers brought up by relentless storms.
His face was locked on me; With eyes shocked in disdain, distracted with all the times he caught me looking to someone that still have my heart.
Alam niya pang mahal ko parin si Alejandro, ilan beses ko mang ikaila. Magmula noon, 'di ko na siya nakitang nakangiti ulit sa buong performance nila.
He was just there, lost in abyss of thoughts.
Putang ina.
Sa sobrang hiya, 'di ko maiwasang iwanan ang venue at naglakad para makapag isip-isip. Nababalisa ako sa mga bagay na nagawa ko at naiparamdam ko sakanya. Sana alam niyang hindi ko sinasadya.
Nagmahal lang naman ako.
Ang problema, hindi ko mapigilan ang sarili ko. Maling-mali naman talaga lahat yung nagawa ko. We can never justify cheating while we're in closed promise of staying commited in a relationship. It's not a fair share of loyalty.
Loyalty is always in question.
I kept walking until makaapak na ako sa Academic oval. Right there, I saw the overview of everything from this viewpoint.
Masayang-masaya ang lahat sa tugtugan at musikang sumasaliw sa kanilang nararamdaman. They've found that freedom and sensation away from stress brought up by inexhaustible academic demands.
"You're Hannah, right?"
Tumigil ako sa paglalakad nang marinig ang isang pamilyar na boses. Sa pagtalikod ko, I was pleasantly surprised to see that it was Ingrid, the University Student Council President.
"Yes." Ngumiti ako as I reached my hand to shake hands with her. She glady accepted greeting.
Umupo kami sa paradahan ng mga Ikot at Toki jeep. Napapansin kong lumalamig na 'din ang hangin kaya sinuot ko na yung jacket na nakapalibot sa waist ko.
"I heard you're very closed with Alejandro." She said in a cold monotous tone.
Tumango ako.
Things have never felt more awkward. Unang-una, hindi ko naman siya gaanong ka-close. Tas ngayon, she asks something about Alejandro? Ang weird lang.
"We met since first year." Sumagot nalang ako.
"Hannah, di-diretsuhin na kita." She stopped in mid-sentence. She reached her hand to hold mine. "I know, alam mo naman ang reason kung bakit kita kinakausap ngayon."
Sa totoo lang, wala talaga. Why would a high-profile student like Ingrid would talk to me.
"Is it because you like him?" Tanong ko ng may sobrang pag-aalinlangan at pag-utal.
"I'm not straight, Hannah. How else would I like him." She said while rolling her eyes in a bitchy tone.
I like this woman right here. Ang attitude!
"So, you like me?" I kid while pointing at myself.
"Gago!" She exclaimed with bursting laughs. Halos 'di na siya makakahinga kakatawa.
"Why then?" I replied enthusiastically.
After minutes of laughing she finally got her tempo. Inayos niya na muna yung buhok at sarili niya bago magpatuloy.
"I heard Alejandro has been in quite trouble lately. Someone told that he's taking drugs. Ayoko namang maniwala agad. Pero kung mapatunayan, you know the rules in this university, right?" She asked in a light yet serious manner.
"Where are you going with this, and why would you ask that to me? 'Di naman ako manager nila, or at least a band member."
In complete honesty, kinakabahan ako. I know the capabilities of the USC, kaya nilang mag-cancel agad ng band performances even though Melancholia still have their last performance on Friday.
"Oh, don't get me wrong. I was just making sure. Ikaw lang muna kasi matatanong ko since lagi kayong magkakasama ng banda." She explained. Her hands were kind of trembling and her eyes did not maintain their movements. As a psych student, I know there's something wrong about her deamenor.
At ano? Laging magkakasama? 2 weeks nga akong 'di nagpakita dahil sa Midterm Exams.
Sumagot nalang ako, para matapos na.
"Don't worry. He's not doing anything that would cause harm to the event." I assured her.
Alam ko naman din ang pinangagalingan niya. She has worked hard for this event and a flaw can struck her down to ashes. Bawal magkamali ang USC sa pag aasikaso ng events. Kung meron man, dapat na-foresee na nila, so they could make initial actions to prevent things from happening.
"Naniniwala naman ako kay Alej. Tsaka sa'yo. I know that a bright Psychology student like you won't lie, right?" She asked.
Tumango nalang ako at pumeke ng ngiti. Nagpaalam na siya at sinabing babalik na muna sa event. Naghintay muna ako at nagmuni-muni sa kawalan. As I stare in the blankness, I can't help but wonder the end results ng pagsi-sinungaling ko kanina?
It's true. Alejandro is not in his correct mental state. He started injecting drugs again and that could affect all his performances. Ayoko namang mag-mental breakdown siya habang nagpe-perform. Bukod pa dito, laging may nasasabi ang mga tao. Kahit naman wala akong pake sa mga opinyon nila, takot akong mahusgahan si Alejandro.
I have always felt responsible for him.
Despite these known possibilities, ayoko naman ding patigilin siya sa kung anong ginagawa niya ngayon. Maybe, this is his only escape. Baka ito nalang din yung paraan para kahit papaano, sumaya siya.
Ayoko ko ng ipagkait pa sakanya 'to.
-
Few minutes later, biglang tumawag si Joyce.
I answered the phone and hurriedly asked, "Nasan ka?"
There were distinct noises and clamors from the background.
"I am here sa condo unit ni Brent, they were hosting an after-party. You should come."
"Okay sige, wait for me in a few minutes."
Classmate namin si Brent sa iilang minor subjects ni Joyce. He's that cute hot jock you would love to get to know to. And yes! He knows how to host a goddamned party.
I booked a grab taxi kahit medyo malapit lang yung place. Napagod na din siguro paa ko magmula kanina. Medyo nag-ayos ako while in the cab and read few e-mails. Marami pala din kaming need gawin para sa booth bukas. I replied 'noted with thanks'. to most of them kasi wala naman din talaga akong choice kundi sumunod. I'll party hard nalang so I could forget things na muna.
-
Brent's condo unit is a typical bachelor's apartment. Upon entering the room faced on the right side, brandy and all other types of liquors that shouts "you'll have fun tonight" were placed on the marble countertops.
The party-lights came on and pop dance music were played from the hidden sound system, the same volume in every room. I can see various people from different colleges were here since Brent was an irregular student. People here be drinking and dancing their booties to bring the house down.
I am enthralled.
I looked over the crowd. There must have been at least ten people watching him, bathing in the dim purple light of the place. I ignored these stares and went directly to Brent to ask him where's Joyce. He told me that she's inside his to make out with this guy from somewhere God knows nothing about.
Apakalandi talaga ng animal.
After that, I was caught off guard to see him here. I'm a strong independent woman pero bakit sakanya nanghihina ako?
"You look upset, how are you?"
Putang Ina. Si Alejandro.
I sighed heavily before I came up a with a response.
"G-good. Ikaw?"
He seems to be so much better now. He wore a loose black silk shirt with leather cuffs and black trousers. He had strong arched brows and eyelashes so thick. And then his eyes, they were deep and catastrophic, a vivid baby blue as a great body of water that softly melted into a milky green. This close, I could see the flecks of silver in his eyes, where there's intensity, honesty, and gentleness lying behind.
I can't help but stare.
"Ba't ka umalis agad kanina?" He asked. The seriousness in his voice demanded an honest answer. It's as if I'm in death row.
"I felt that it was not right to think about you anymore. I cannot be lying again to someone that important to me." I replied. This time, my gaze turned the other way; I can't afford to see his reaction.
"Don't worry. We'll forget each other in no time. This time, we'll be much freer. We can love without restrictions anymore. You'll never get to hold back tears again."
I was rendered speechless and dumbfounded. His sentiment came like a strong blow in my gut where I felt struck by that thought of me being forgotten by him. How can it be too easy for him?
Nagkunwari ako. I can't unmask my true emotions now. "For sure! We need to move forward to grow much further." saad ko.
"That will be the last time of me performing that song. This time, I'll choose myself. Poison won't do good for me."
"Have we finally reached closure?" I asked. Still resisting to cry.
Tumango nalang siya.
From that moment on, I could only see him in blur. In no longer time, he vanished in the crowd. I must feel grateful. It's been wonderful years of us being together. How many months from now, ga-graduate na'ko. I'll make sure to leave no trace.
I must forget him as well.
I did not cry this time yet being drunk happened to be my coping mechanism. I'd stagger through this place, one hand on the nearest wall. Nausea clawed my throat and I tried to force down the bile, but it was too late. Chunks of partially digested food spewed out of my coughing, choking mouth.
My stomach kept on contracting violently and forcing everything up and out; My face was pale and dripping bile, sweat, and tears.
Then, I lurched forward and sunk to my knees. My heart stirred the emotions welled up from within corners of this heart.
How could love be this painful?
-
Chapter 5 - The Lost Soldier Boy
Will be released on June 3, 2020 • 10 AM
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