Chapter 3 | Stories Broken People Tell
What the heart wants, the cosmos provide.
I'm pressured to be perfect.
My upbringing is definitely different to most kids out there. I was trained to master things which others perceived impossible.
The truth is, kaya ko naman.
I know within myself na matalino ako and that I can be just how my parents wanted me to become; I am a woman who's far beyond my aesthetics. I can lead, I can direct orders, and I can outdo the stereotypes against women that were established in a patriarchal system.
I'm more than the stereotype.
In a male-dominated society, women are mostly objectified to become a man's pleasure machine.
Nakakadiri 'di ba?
I didn't come here to be just like that.
Women are not for that.
Women like me can revolutionize change against our common oppressors.
My existence itself is a socio-political statement.
And going to the University of Philippines has widen this perspective. I met a lot of amazing people that has cultivated the way I view the world; That its complex system can be simplified through fostering people's understanding and generosity to all.
In that sense, I've dreamt of becoming a clinical psychologist or a guidance counselor.
Sa tingin ko kasi, this field can lead my understanding to grow further. Mahirap intindihan ang utak ng tao. It's both the application of art and science which demands thorough familiarity. Mahirap maging unaware sa mga ganitong bagay.
In this predicament, I know that I did not disappoint. I'm a candidate for Latin Honors, no flaws made.
People be wondering and asking how can I do these things? Normal pa ba ako? Am I even real?
Tang ina.
Nakakapagod din naman ang maging ganito, but being like this has become my habit. Mas masisiraan ako ng utak kapag tinigil ko.
So I often go out, partying all night, being just like any other human being. I want to experience the bittersweet situation of my youth's vigor and inquietude.
Sleepless nights. Endless Conversations. Chaotic good, bad-hell. Drunken heart. Polluted Lungs. Convenience store raids at 2am. Greasy food cravings. Banging music in my ear. Pearcings. Spontaneous Trips. Long Drives. Lusty mornings. Drinks on the beach. Judging hypocrites. Starry nights. Pastel hair. Concerts.
...And kissing some troubled guy in the middle of a dancing crowd in UP Fair.
Jumping and screaming the hell out our souls becoming lost for quite some time while venting out our hatred against the world and being unapologetic about it.
Ang perfect.
That was year 2015. The year before I got admitted to the university. The same year I fell in love to Alejandro.
That kiss. That Alejandro. Putang ina.
-
After the night of supposed return to Pampanga, I never saw Alejandro again.
No traces. No text messages.
Ano pa bang aasahan ko? He's always been like that.
Maybe the band's too busy dahil malapit na ang UP Fair. Even Eli came to my condo to ask permission para makapag-practice na muna sila. He said that maybe I won't be meeting him for a while.
I have no complaints. I simply nodded.
Right after that minimal encounter with Eli, days simply passed through nang ganon kabilis. I remember myself having to wait for long queues para lang makapag-enroll sa mga subjects ko for my last semester.
Now we are finally here! I can't believe that I am in my last UP Fair concert. Every second should feel like a beautiful moment.
-
This is UP Fair.
A 5-day musical fest annually held at the University of the Philippines, Diliman.
As we look closely, its yearly theme are always engrossed to political issues apart from promoting homegrown talents and party-rocking.
The themes were always anti-dictatorship.
Originally held in September, the fair started as an avenue for dissent against the declaration of Martial Law era in the '70s
It has been a platform for the whole UP Iskomunidad to protest and campaign for societal issues that we have been fighting for over the years.
Kaya mahal na mahal ko ang UP eh. Malakas sakin si Oble. Malakas sakin 'tong si Pilipinas eh.
-
"Hannah!"
It was Joyce. Nandito na naman siya sa condo ko after how many times of telling her not to go. Hindi lang talaga ako sanay na may tao dito.
Bukod sa I have temperamental attitudes about humans, I hate other people messing things around here. I get easily irritated whenever someone touches my stuff pero 'di naman nila alam ibalik sa dati nilang lugar.
Ganito, nasanay naman ako sa pagiging brat niya. Nasa ugali na talaga niya ang pagiging mahusay sa pag-aabala ng mga tao sa paligid niya. She never stops even after being told no. Ano pa bang magagawa ko? Nandito na siya.
"Oh?" I replied with annoyance.
"Ayusin mo nga strap ng bra ko. Dali, 'di ko malagay nang maayos." She said while looking herself nonstop in the mirror. Narcissistic bitch.
"Alam mo, mabait akong tao pero minsan sobra ka na. Kaso bibigyan pa kitang isang chance. Annoy me again, you'll see yourself outside this condo unit with your bra strap flailing around, okay?" I smiled sarcastically to suggest my annoyance to her demeanor.
'Di ako nagbibiro, isa nalang talaga.
Once those words unfurled along her ears, Joyce threw shady things to me while dressing up. This time, naayos na nya yung bra strap niya. Kaya naman pala niya, nang-aabala pa siya ng tao. Ugh.
"Alam mo, 'di ko alam kung bakit every UP Fair, badtrip ka? Sino na namang nanakit sa'yo this time?"
Aba ang punyeta, nang-aasar.
"Leave now, Joyce." Yes, I said it. Bitch. She needs to pack up now or else she'll stay here God knows how long hanggang sa matuyuan ako ng lahat ng pagtitimpi at tolerance na meron ako sa katawang 'to.
"Whatever, bobo. Tapos narin ako. Look at this vintage outfit with that fat ass"
She's such a show-off. But in all fairness, it was a pretty good style. This look accentuates her body and booty. She even looks taller.
But... I don't spoil my friends that much. I always have something to say so they remain humble like this queen right here.
(pointing to myself)
I replied in a cold and bitter tone, "Yeah, whatever... The outfit is old. I mean, Vintage, but do you have to smell like moth balls too?"
Joyce was read to filth.
"Fuck you, bitch."
"See you mamayang 11. Make sure to keep your ass plumped, whore."
-
This year's theme is Cosmos #FightforEquality
The UP Iskomunidad took its stand to the stage as we shout for equality! The power of music sailed through each others' souls as we leap with songs that matches our hunger for it.
We are all hyped with the songs parading our system. Everybody's dancing, looking like a series of crazy stills from some epic movie.
I was lost in that moment in sunken garden; Para akong nalulunod sa alapaap. 'Di ko ma-explain pero sobrang kakaiba. My soul's feeding on ecstacy and my heart is simultaneously throbbing along the waves of music.
My mind uncontrollably sang, "You know this! You've been here before, you've heard this before!"
This ache of familiarity was so powerful, I began second-guessing. The world felt like my earliest memory, like a dream half-remembered.
This odd feeling captured my heart in no less than minutes of being here.
Still hours from twilight, I bundled my panic into my chest and breathed rapidly.
Another sensation entered my being. The strong light flickers were no longer there. The illuminations turned dark.
That 'dark' which swallowed my racing thoughts, wounded my limbs and veiled my eyes.
The dark lay silent, a willing host to all of my imagined fears.
The band Melancholia can't be that perfect! It almost felt unreal.
There were unknown reasons why such emotion entered me that easily. I suddenly found myself standing still, with trembling hands, weeping gently, eyes locked on Alejandro singing 'Choosing My Poison'.
This is truly that sensation.
That strong feeling of desperation, and regret. It started coming back to me now, like de ja vú... like a scene from a dream.
This handsome boy who gave me that kiss 4 years ago... is the same boy singing a song that was personally mine.
That song which penetrates the soul.
That song that relives the tiniest emotion left.
That song that makes me want to regret everything we turned out to be.
That damn boy I loved years ago.