I wandered back to the palace, half in a daze. What on earth was Seung-Ro driving at? I didn't know what was more disconcerting—the fact that he was clearly not coming out and saying what he wanted me to get or the fact that I couldn't get it. Either way, I couldn't keep it to myself any longer.
When I got to the front entrance of the palace, I started to hesitate. The point of heading out so early in the first place was to avoid the swarm of relatives that were sure to follow the new baby's birth. More specifically, a certain relative with the initials, 'Q.D.' Even though I kept telling myself that having to get over Chi was inevitable, and I would eventually get through it, a big part of myself was still fragile at the thought. Did I really want to deal with someone like the Queen Dowager, especially after my weird encounter with Seung-Ro?
For a few long moments, my answer was, definitely not. I was about to pivot around and go the other direction, when something caught my eye. Looking closer, I realized it was a drawing of Chi. Once I looked more closely, I noticed that the other family members had their likenesses taken too. There was the Queen Dowager, and Prince Ju and Heonae had both their own portraits, as well as one with two of them together in what looked like a coronation. There were other family members too, but I didn't recognize them from sight.
I focused in on Chi, taking in his defined jawline, the sharp bridge of his nose, his thoughtful eyes, the full lips that were set in a serious line in the portrait, yet curved slightly, concealing what I knew was a warm smile. Although it was only a picture, because I knew and loved him by heart, it felt as real as if I were standing in front of him. Without warning, I felt the sting of tears bite at the corners of my eyes. Wuss, I chided myself, brushing them away. If I was going to lose it at the sight of a picture, how was I ever going to walk away from the actual person when the time came?
It wasn't just seeing Chi's image, though, that stirred my emotions; it was the emotion that the artist depicted Chi and his family with. They were technically good portraits, anyone could tell. But what made them so oddly moving, was that as someone who knew these people, I could not only recognize them, but recognize who they were, in spirit. This told me that they were done by someone who knew the family, but more significantly, who loved the family. Someone who loved them—excepting the Queen Dowager, of course—just as much as I did.
Not for the first time since I'd landed here, I felt shivers down my spine. Who had painted these? Obviously, it wasn't a big deal; artists were meant to be good at capturing their subjects, nothing strange about that. Yet something about them unsettled me.
I was trying to figure out just what that something was, when I felt a hand on my shoulder.
"Oh my—" I jumped a mile and turned at the same time, only to see the real-life counterpart of the portrait I'd been focusing on. "Chi," I hissed through clenched teeth once I could breathe again. "Don't you ever do that to me again! You nearly gave me a heart attack."
Chi wrinkled his nose. "What is a 'heart attack'?"
I laughed at the cute face he was making. That was one thing I liked so much about him; he could always make me laugh. "It's a good thing I'm not hiding that I'm from the future anymore." It still felt weird saying those words, but every time I said them, I felt a tiny piece of weight drop from my shoulders. "Basically, your blood doesn't flow properly, and your heart can't handle it." Kinda like how I feel when I look at you. "So, if you can't get help in time, you could die."
Chi's eyes widened. "I almost gave you a heart attack?"
"Oh! No…no. Sorry, sometimes people just use that as an expression. I meant that you startled me."
"Well, thank goodness for that." The worry lines around Chi's forehead instantly smoothed. He reached out a hand for me, and I took it. "Let's go for a walk. Babies are all very well, but even they need rest from visitors."
"How is Heonae and her little one?"
"They're both very fine. It was a bit of a rough birth for Heonae…she lost more blood than the physician would have liked, from what I heard. But according to him, she will make a full recovery. You wouldn't be able to tell that either she or her little boy had a difficult time, from how contented they look now." Chi's face broke into a grin as he spoke, and I was reminded of how much his family meant to him.
Now that we were out of the palace guards' sight, I placed my free hand on Chi's arm. "You've been through a lot with Heonae, haven't you?"
Chi swallowed and nodded. I felt his fingers lace through mine before he spoke again. "Losing our parents was a hard blow to both of us. We were always thankful we had each other, as well as Ju."
"Heonae is lucky to marry someone who means everything to her." My tone wasn't bitter, since there was no bitterness in me—I was genuinely happy that Heonae had found the one she could depend on in everything. More so, now that I had found that person too, even if I couldn't keep him. Still, there must have been something revealing in my tone.
Chi's fingers tightened around mine. "I'm so sorry, Ha-Na," he whispered.
I shook my head. "Like I said before; you have nothing to be sorry about. Ever."
We walked in silence for a few moments before I could speak again. "Did I ever tell you what my life was like before I met you? I mean, not the details—I know for sure I didn't tell you that—but how I felt?"
"No, you didn't." Chi stopped walking and turned to face me. "But tell me now. Since you told me...well, since you told me your secret yesterday, I couldn't help but keep wondering about you. Not—" he added quickly, "…not in a curious way. I wanted to know more about the woman who I care about."
"That would make sense, especially considering what I told you. It must be so hard to believe."
Chi shook his head. "It should be hard to believe. But I've lived a life that's been confusing at times. When I look at you, it's like I understand and trust everything that you are." He took hold of my other hand. "Please tell me anything you ever want to share with me. But never feel like you have to tell me anything. I will love you, regardless." His eye caught mine at the word, "love," and I knew it was a deliberate choice.
"Before I came here, I was unhappy. People from my time would probably call it, 'depressed," although it was hard for me to admit to that. Most of the time, I wasn't really so sure that I was. I think I just felt lost."
Chi nodded in understanding, clasping my hand tighter.
"In my time, I was what you'd call a 'graduate student.' I was studying to be a doctor, but not the kind that helps people with illness, at least not directly. I was studying to be a botanist, and work with plants and flowers. When I started out, I loved what I did. I believed in it. But over, the years, it started to wear me down." I swallowed. It was hard to admit to how I'd been feeling, especially when I'd hardly been able to admit it to myself. The funny thing was, now that I was saying the words out loud, it was like the pent-up weight of holding onto them was finally, gradually lifting.
He didn't speak, but I felt him stroke my hand with his thumb. It was the encouragement I needed to continue. "Grad school is really competitive. My parents always told me to just feel confident, because I was accepted, and I wouldn't have been if I didn't have gifts and abilities that I could offer. They didn't understand what it was like; once you're accepted into grad school, you have to do anything and everything you can to keep your place. At first, I told myself that staying up all night all the time was just part of the experience. That it was just for awhile, and one day, things would be different. Before I knew it, I was doing that almost every night. I'd work, sleep for a few hours to take the edge off, then get up and start all over again.
"It wasn't just the lack of sleep—although that certainly didn't help. It was this constant sense that if I let anything slide, even one little bit, my professors wouldn't think that I was good enough to be there anymore. That they wouldn't believe in me anymore." Tears began to sting my eyes. It felt so good to finally spill all my secrets, it didn't even care that I was using terminology that was probably completely foreign to Chi. He didn't seem to care either; although I had my eyes cast down most of the time as I spoke, I felt his eyes focusing on me, and when I looked up, I saw that he understood the hurt and sorrow I'd felt.
"Botany was always the only thing that I was good at, so to not have my professors believe in it—in me—anymore—" I trailed off. "At the time, nothing had ever hurt more. So, I gave everything to try to do better and be more. I hardly spoke to my parents, my grandmother." A sob caught in my throat. "Then, a few months before I came here, my professors told me that my research wasn't good enough for now, and I'd have to spend another year in school to redo it. I know that shouldn't have seemed like a big deal, but then my grandmother suddenly got sick after that. It was like one hard blow after another. Then, she died, and I—" I broke off, tears streaming down my cheeks. "I haven't been able to forgive myself for all the time I lost. I should have been more involved, visited more, made time to talk with her more often. I just took her for granted, and for what? My stupid career. It all feels like it was for nothing now."
I couldn't go on after that, and I didn't think that Chi expected me to. Without even fully realizing it at the time, his hands dropped from mine and moved to my shoulders, enclosing my back, and pulling me to him. Neither of us spoke for a bit, but when Chi finally spoke, as usual, he knew exactly what to say. "I've never been very good at forgiving myself either." His voice was muffled against my hair. "For not being able to do more for my father, then for not protecting Ha-Na. For not being able to care for you to the same degree that I love you." He held me back and gently stroked the side of my hair. "But what I've learnt from all of that loss and pain, is that it takes away from what we have now. You've shown me so much of that, in how you've demonstrated so much love and courage, despite everything you've gone through."
I shook my head. "Chi, I'm not brave. Not at all. The only way I'm able to keep talking to you and looking at you without completely breaking down, is because I continually tell myself that I can't keep you. That one day—" my voice began to quiver, and I had to pause. "That one day, I'll be able to believe that this was all just a beautiful dream, and that I needed to wake up and get through my own life."
Chi pulled me into a hug again. "Your world…it sounds so wonderful. I know you went through hardships, but there was a place for your gifts there. It must have been so difficult to find yourself here."
I took one look at Chi's guilty expression, smiled, and shook my head. "Nope. I didn't know who I was in my world. Coming here was a gift."
He lay a hand on the side of my face. "You're the gift to me." His smile faded a bit. "I only wish we could keep you."
"We?"
"Yes, besides myself, we're all fond of you here. Well, perhaps not my aunt…" He gave me an apologetic grin. "But certainly, everyone else. Heonae was asking after you when I was with her. And Seung-Ro is most impressed with your work."
I felt my stomach contract at his name. "Is he?" I asked, trying to keep my voice even.
Chi nodded. "Of course. Everyone is. But Seung-Ro told me the other day that you were meant to come to us."
Chills came over me again and my mouth went dry. It was an innocent enough statement, and yet with all the other nonchalant statements Seung-Ro had made in the past, it was enough to make me think that they weren't quite as simple as they initially appeared.
"Ha Na? Are you alright?" I felt Chi's hands on my shoulders. "You look a little pale."
I looked up into his face and saw the same warm, concerned eyes that I'd met on my first day here. That experience had been so disorienting at the time. But what if it was no coincidence at all?
I recovered myself and braved another smile. "Fine. Sorry, just a bit tired. I couldn't sleep well."
He gently pressed my shoulders. "I'm sorry about that."
"I've lost sleep over worse things." I covered one of his hands with my own, hugging it. "Chi," I started, after a pause. "I noticed the portraits of you and your family today. The ones in the front hall?"
"Mm?"
"Do you know who did them?"
"Oh, yes. You know him too. They're Seung-Ro's."