I paced around my room, unsure of how to broach the topic with Chi. Obviously, he loved me. He had said as much, through both his actions and his words, and he had no reason, no real, personal gain in loving me, a lowly physician's daughter in the past, turned time-traveling, failed botanist from the future. Yet every time I thought about suggesting that he do the unthinkable and tell his aunt that he wouldn't marry his arranged fiancée, I felt a wave of self-consciousness crash over me.
How can you be so selfish? What if this really is good for the kingdom, and you're encouraging him to do something crazy and harmful? What if he decides that he doesn't really love you and that you're just not worth it? What if his answer can only be "no?"
The harsh words that filled my head were not only painful but made more so because they reminded me of my grad school days. It seemed that no matter where I went, somehow, I'd be followed by those hurtful inner words and memories.
Suddenly, all I wanted was to curl up on my bed and pretend that I didn't have to go through another day. Maybe I'd fall asleep and wake back up in my own time. It would hurt; I'd miss Chi, Chung-Hee, Heonae, what little good work I could do here. But if I was back in my own time, maybe I could explain this all away as a dream. A dream that I would have had to wake up from eventually. A dream that could never really come true.
I was still curled in a fetal position when I heard a knock. "Miss Ha-Na?" came Chung-Hee's voice. "Prince Chi would like to speak with you."
"Only if it's alright with her," Chi's adorably anxious voice in the background made me smile. "Tell her if she doesn't feel like talking to me, it's fine."
"It's ok, Chung-Hee," I called as I got up and went to the door. "He can come in." Almost as soon as I laid my hand on the sliding door to push it to the side, I felt it glide beneath my fingertips. As Chi's face came into view, I could see that our hands were on the same place, on the opposite sides of the door.
Chung-Hee bowed herself away with a soft smile, leaving us alone. Although I appreciated the time with just the two of us—especially knowing that someday, short of a miracle, it would probably run out—it felt weirdly uneasy. I positioned myself to the side of the door. "Would you like to come in?"
To my surprise, Chi's cheeks turned a little pink. He cleared his throat. "Umm—yes, I think that would be alright."
"Well, don't compromise your principles on my account," I teased, closing the door behind him.
"It's not that." Chi flushed deeper. "Sorry, I thought Chung-Hee would have stayed."
"Would you have preferred that she did?" I swallowed my laughter.
"Oh…no. No. It's just—"
The reality hit me in the pit of my stomach. "You're worried about what people will think if you're alone with me in here."
"No, that's not it." Chi walked closer to me, taking my hands in his. "Please don't think that. It's just that I've realized how comfortable I feel with you. For myself, I don't truly care about what others think, but it occurred to me that I should worry more about you. I don't want anyone to make anything difficult to you." Although he chose the vague word, "anyone," his intonation of the word told me he meant one very specific person.
"Well, don't worry about me." I squeezed his hands. "As long as I'm with you, nothing—and no person—can ever hurt me."
Chi gave me a sad smile. "If only that were true. I'd give anything to stay by your side and do everything to ensure that nothing—and no one—ever would."
I paused before I spoke again. This is it, I thought. I hadn't expected such a perfect segue into what I wanted to say, but somehow, the stars had aligned perfectly.
The only question now, was would I be able to say what I wanted to say out loud?
"Ha-Na?" Chi looked at me with eyes that were half concerned, half questioning. "Are you alright?"
"Mm-hm. More than alright." I spoke slowly, measuring the weight of each syllable. "Chi, what if there were really a way that we could stay by each other's sides?"
Chi furrowed his brow. "Is there? I mean, you've thought of a way?"
"Maybe. But it would all depend on you." I took a deep breath. "I went to visit Heonae and the baby today. I didn't say anything about…about our…relationship." My tongue tripped over the word. It was vague enough of a term, which was why I chose it, but in my own, modern culture, it was incredibly weighted. "But I think she kind of knew. Or hoped. Anyways, she said that—" I trailed off. This was hard. How was I supposed to make this sort of suggestion? I'd never even asked anyone out on a date, never mind asked a prince to marry me instead of his equally noble fiancée.
I felt Chi's fingers lace through mine. "Remember what we said about not being afraid to tell each other anything." He stroked my hand with his thumb. "You don't have to worry about me either; whatever it is, I won't mind."
"You did take the news that I was from the future pretty well." I gave a shaky laugh. I hadn't even realized how nervous I felt.
"I must admit, I'm still not too sure how you came to me." Chi returned my laugh with a warm smile. "But I believe that there's a reason you did."
"Chi, what if there really was a reason I came here? I'm not sure I know what it is, exactly," I added, hurriedly. "But what if there was a way that I could stay here with you?"
Chi furrowed his brow again, as if trying to connect the dots between the possible and the impossible. "If there were a way, I would do anything to make it so, of course."
"When I was talking with Heonae, she mentioned that your…your upcoming marriage" How I hated that word in the context of Chi marrying someone else. "…how it was good for the kingdom, but that it wasn't essential that you marry the woman that your aunt chose for you. That maybe you could marry someone else instead." I felt like a heel as I said it. Like the 'other woman.' I hoped that Chi wouldn't take it that way, that if he truly believed that marrying his fiancée was the right thing, he would simply let me down now. I also hoped he would do it quickly, if he could.
Realization dawned on his face. "You mean you?"
"Well…" This is awkward. "I mean…If what she said is true, you could marry anyone you wanted. It doesn't have to be me." Without realizing it, my voice had become flustered and I could feel the heat in my cheeks.
"Ha-Na." Chi pulled me into a light hug. "I'm sorry; I was only surprised." He pulled me back, keeping his eyes glued on mine. "I'm also not that desirable that I could marry anyone." I saw a smile in his eyes as he spoke, before it curved into one on his lips. He played with a strand of my hair with his free hand. "I am glad that you think I am, though."
"Haha," I teased back, affectionately. "Chi?" I felt my tone become serious again. "What do you think?"
He took a deep breath. "If it were only my decision, you know I'd ask you to marry me immediately."
I felt my shoulders slump. Of course. He's trying to let me down gently.
And why wouldn't he? He's a prince, I'm a failed botanist.
As if reading my mind, Chi lifted my chin so that our eyes met. "My aunt has always made all of my decisions, ever since I came to live with her. It's a tie that's not easily broken."
I couldn't speak but nodded in reply. I understood, even if I didn't like it. Even if it crushed all my hopes and left me heartbroken.
"But—" Chi snapped me out of my reverie. He gently stroked a piece of hair off my forehead, sliding his hand down to frame my face. "I think I might be ready to break that tradition."
"Really?" Even though I'd hoped, I could hardly believe what he was saying.
"Yes. If you'll have me." His whole face broke into a smile. "My Ha-Na."
I'd never been the most decisive person in the world. But at that moment, my answer came easily. "With all of my heart."
Chi whole face beamed as he drew me closer to him, pulling me into a hug. I felt the light brush of his lips on the top of my head, then the warm, secure pressure of his chin resting on the crown. "I love it when you call me that." I mumbled into his robes.
"Call you what?" Chi's voice was also a soft murmur.
"Yours. I love that I belong to you."
"I love you so much, Ha-Na." He drew me back so that we were eye-to-eye again. "And although you are all of my heart, I also belong to you. I promise to always take care of you and do my best for you, if you'll give me that honour."
Although I believed every one of his words, worry suddenly hit me in the pit of my stomach. It was a huge promise, and although I trusted him to fulfil it, was it too big of a promise to make? What if what was ahead of us was too much, too difficult for even the strongest of bonds?
Then, I looked into the warm, hazel eyes that I'd grown so used to. They were filled with joy, kindness, and hope, and through the hope, a nervousness. I could see that his worries mirrored mine; that he also wondered about what would lie ahead for us and if we could make it past the storm.
When I saw that glimmer of hope—the emotion that wavers between joyful yearning and fear of failure—I also knew that if we only tried and were successful, I would be able to look into his eyes for however long we'd share our life together.
I wrapped my arms around his neck, holding him tighter. "Let's hold on to each other—no matter what happens."
He let go of my back for a moment, then took my hand in his, looping his pinky finger through mine. "It's a promise," he whispered back.