I spent the next couple of weeks in a mildly depressed state.
Scrap that. I was totally depressed. I mostly divided my time between helping with the wheat planting and sulking in my room. I still had to interact with people; Chung-Hee came in in the mornings and evenings to bring my breakfast and dinner, and I also spoke with the workers, but other than that, I avoided spending too much time with anyone. This was for my own safety, as well as just not being in the mood; With Chi away, I didn't want to risk doing something stupid or drawing too much attention to myself. Better to keep my head down.
It helped that I didn't see any undesirable characters during much of that time. With her son home, the Queen Dowager seemed pacified, and although I locked eyes at a distance with Seung-Ro from time to time, he would usually only offer a polite nod. Jerk. He was probably happy that Chi was far away from me.
In truth, having Chi away was a mixed blessing. On one hand, I felt safer when he was around. Happier also. But because I felt those things, it made the distance, in some ways, a necessity. I'd never felt that way for anyone before. I'd simply written it off as busyness, but I'd never made time for dating, never was even really interested in it. My life had, for longer than I could remember, been much like my time during Chi's absence; functional, but numb. Only now, it was painfully numb. The raw hurt that his absence left was so painful, it almost shocked me. So, as much as it hurt, having time away gave me time to try to work through those feelings.
When it came to actually working through them, though, I was about as functional as I would have been in a coma.
Most days, I just tried to do my job and keep my nose out of trouble. If I kept busy, I also kept negative thoughts, like, "why, on God's green earth, am I still here?" at bay. Surprisingly, keeping busy made the days go faster too, and I was so worn out from working, that if I wasn't stewing over things, I pretty much just passed out early every day.
It went on like this for a few weeks, until the fields were conditioned, the wheat planted, and all I had to do was make sure that I kept things watered.
Boring.
One particular day, after doing said watering, was the moment I finally broke down. Earlier that morning, I had noticed that, despite keeping fresh for an unusually long time, my flower from Chi had finally wilted. I'd taken it from its vase, and like a mother wanting to shield her child from the cold, tucked it in my robes, next to my heart.
On that particular day, when the watering was finally done, and, seeking shelter from the sweltering early-afternoon heat, all the men had left for the day, I found myself alone. While I'd been alone plenty of times before, it was mostly asleep in my room. This was the first time in weeks that I'd had actual free time on my hands during the day.
I took my flower from my robes, staring at it, caressing it gently with my thumb. I felt tears stinging from behind my eyes, but I blinked them back. There was no use in crying. "Why am I here, Halmeoni?" I whispered, although I wasn't sure why. Like she would know, even if she was here.
Wanting to distract myself, I got up—albeit, sluggishly—to try to find something to do. I rolled up my sleeves. "Goodness, it's hot." My mind travelled over to the pond that Chi showed me. Chi and Ha-Na's pond. Although I had long given up on knowing exactly why I ended up here, there still were so many unanswered questions; why, for one, did Ha-Na and I resemble each other so strongly? And why had I taken over her body—not just anyone's, but hers? I doubted that trying to take an inventory of her past with Chi would help me answer those questions. But it would help me feel closer to him, maybe. And maybe, that was all I needed right now.
I walked down to the pond, taking my time as I went. I had all the time in the world, I realized, a little depressingly. When I finally got to the pond, it was just how I remembered it from the day I had come with Chi. Back then, though, it had been early spring, with the delicate reeds still slightly brown from winter. Now that it was fully spring, everything was green and in full bloom, with a clear, shining pond. Even though it was a little late in the season for them, pink camellias were still blossoming, dropping their petals into the water, like a sunlit stream.
"The Lake of Shining Waters," I murmured, smiling to myself at the thought of one of my favourite childhood books. "And Lovers' Lane." I felt the smile slide off my face as I thought of that one. Don't think about love. I'd always been more into Anne of Green Gables' nature exploits than her love affair with Gilbert Blythe, I reminded myself.
Told myself, more likely.
I sat on a rock at the edge of the pond, watching the reeds sway with the gentle, barely-there breeze, and the camellia petals fall. I twirled my Rose of Sharon absent-mindedly between my fingers, hoping that the ritualistic action would somehow calm me. Somehow, amazingly, it did. I felt myself getting sleepy, lulled by the warm sunlight and steady drop of petals.
I was on the verge of sleep when I heard a noise behind me. It wasn't loud, but it held the distinctive crack sound of footsteps on grass. Human footsteps on grass. My eyes snapped open, but before I could spin around to confront whoever was there, I saw his reflection in the water. This must be a dream. "Chi?" I whispered, sure that it couldn't be true.
"Nothing like coming home and finding you here." Chi laughed from behind me. This time, I did spin around.
"You're home!" It took everything in me not to run and hug him.
The smile on his face could have lit several small homes. "I hope I didn't startle you. You looked sleepy."
"I was sleepy," I admitted, though I couldn't quite bring myself to admit that I was exhausted from my sleepless nights, thinking about him. That conversation would never come to light. Could never come to light.
"Ah, well, some things never change." It may have been me, but I could've sworn I saw the smile on Chi's face slip a little, become something a little sadder. "That's how I first met you, of course. And you were always like that; lots of energy, until you burnt out."
I gave a small, half-hearted chuckle. "Yes, that would be me."
We were quiet for a moment after that. Now that the easy pleasantries—our warm banter and easy reminisces—were aside, I had to think of how to continue. It would have been easy enough a few weeks ago; then, our conversations felt easy and flowing. Now that I knew I cared for him, I had to be increasingly careful. Especially since I knew that he wasn't in a position to return my feelings. "Did you have a good trip?" My voice was soft, and I hoped that it would only come off as curiosity.
"Yes, thank you." He took a step forward. "I missed you."
I swallowed. "I missed you too." I wanted to move closer to him too; to close the gap between us, never to leave it open again. But I wasn't brave enough. Or maybe I was. It was, I realized, sometimes the brave thing to do the right thing. "I suppose you have to get back soon?"
Chi nodded, although it seemed a bit reluctant. "Were you planning to stay here?"
I shook my head. "Not really. I didn't really have plans; that's why I came here."
He nodded, not quite meeting my eyes. "Walk with me?" While it was a question, something, some tiny thing, made it seem closer to a plead.
"Of course."