We walked the rest of the way back in silence. It was ironic; we had everything to say to each other, but really, nothing left. Nothing would change the fact that Chi had to accept his fate, and I had to accept mine—whatever that would be. Talking about it wouldn't make it any easier, and even thinking about it made tears swell in my eyes.
Looking over at Chi, I could tell he was trying not to cry too. He held my hand the entire way, but he didn't look at me, only straight ahead. I could understand why. It was the way he'd have to keep looking for the rest of his life. Every now and then, though, I would give his hand a gentle squeeze. When I felt him return my touch, I knew that he was still with me.
Eventually, the palace came into view. We stopped, staring at it together.
Glaring, more like it.
It seemed so much bigger than before.
"Chi—"
"Ha-Na—"
We both looked at each other then, and for the first time since our talk, we both smiled.
"You go first." Chi held my hand tighter.
I was about to protest, but I realized that he wouldn't let me win that argument. "Fine. Chi…" I hesitated. No matter how honest I had been earlier, it was hard for me to open up. "I want you to know that you're doing the right thing."
"Ha-Na—" He moved a step closer, but I lay a hand on his chest, stopping him.
"You said I could go first," I pointed out, trying to smile as I did. "I mean, it isn't the "right thing," as in the best outcome. The outcome that we wanted. But you're doing the best you can do. So, don't feel bad about me, ok? It'll make me feel worse. And I—" I swallowed. "I want you to be happy."
I had avoided his eyes as I spoke for the very reason he'd avoided mine on the walk up—it was too painful to look into them. I knew that I could only say what I needed to if I didn't look directly in the kind hazel eyes that had made me feel so at-home when I first arrived. If I did look into them…well, I didn't think I could get out what I needed to.
Only, Chi was too smart for that.
I felt a long, slender finger reach beneath my chin, tilting it upwards. There, my eyes met his once more. "You know I would never intentionally do anything to make you feel bad. But how can I be happy without you, Ha-Na?"
For a long moment, I couldn't speak. With my free hand, I clutched the one that held my chin, weaving my fingers through Chi's. How I loved those hands. And now, I would only be able to hold them for so much longer, before they belonged to another woman.
Suddenly, I also realized that before long, the words Chi would hear from the person who loved him would also belong to another woman. Soon, it would be wrong to speak freely and say what I wanted to him.
We were on borrowed time now.
"I—"
I never got to finish.
"Here is my nephew!" came a silky, yet thunderous voice from nearby.
Shoot. That freakin' Queen Dowager.
Glancing at Chi, I could see his features registered a combination of surprise and my exact thoughts. Recovering much more quickly than me, I felt his grasp swiftly slip from mine as the Queen Dowager came closer. "There you go. I think you just had a bit of dirt in your eye."
I knew he was only saying it for the Queen Dowager's benefit, but ouch!
"Thanks."
"It's so good to have you back home again, Nephew." The Queen Dowager patted Chi's shoulder in a pseudo-maternal gesture.
"Thank you, Aunt," Chi replied, mechanically.
"And Ha-Na," the Queen Dowager turned to me. "We haven't seen you in quite some time."
"Yes."
"Since we're all back in one place, perhaps tonight would be a good time for a little reunion dinner." The flash in her eye as she spoke, told me that this dinner would be anything but fun. "Please be sure to come." It was an order, not a request.
"Yes."
"Good." With a curve of her lips, the Queen Dowager found her focus on Ha-Na's faded scar. "I'm so happy, Chi, that you and Ha-Na have rekindled your friendship."
Chi nodded. "As am I, Aunt."
She continued to stare me down for a few long seconds, before turning back to Chi. "Come with me. There are things that I've needed to discuss with you from during your absence."
"Yes, Aunt."
The Queen Dowager pivoted and walked back towards the palace, clearly expecting Chi to follow. He did, swiftly, and without ceremony or emotion.
As he walked away, it took all that I had to not watch him go.
"Now, I've finally broken it off. Now I need to let him go, and not fall into destructive habits," I reminded myself. I took a deep breath, getting ready to turn and walk my own way.
Then I saw it.
Well, technically, I saw him.
For just a brief split-second, Chi turned at the same time I raised my head. Although his eyes were still sorrowful, his mouth curved into a small, encouraging smile. It was a sadder version of the one he'd given me when we first met.
Although it wasn't much to be hopeful for, I managed to return it, if nothing else, to let him know that I would be okay. He turned quickly again, but still, it was enough to let me know that even if he could never be mine, he would never forget me.
Now, I guess I'll just hang around until I have to have dinner with the Queen Dowager, I thought, glumly. It was only then that I realized I was missing my Rose of Sharon. Somehow, I must've lost it along the way.
I took one more look at Chi's disappearing back, now a vague, distant figure. Then I turned and started walking back to the pond. It was for no other reason than the fact that it held significance; it was the place where Ha-Na and Chi had first met, and the place where I, in the form of Ha-Na, had to say goodbye to Chi. And now, it was also the place where I had lost what was, perhaps, the only gift he could ever give me.