" When you've managed to stumble directly into the heart of the unknown - either through the misdirection of others, or better yet, through your own creative ineptitude - there is no one there to hold your hand or tell you what to do. In those bad lost moments, in the times when you are advised not to panic, we own the unknown, and the world belongs to us. The child within has full reign. Few of us are ever so free..."

-- Tim Cahill

°°°°°

Sometimes things don't go the way you have planned. You try to get over your hardships only to find it multiply itself!

You find yourself losing the battle, getting sucked up into the inferno of darkness and depression. One thing that holds you from being submerged into this bottomless pit of darkness is ' Hope '.

Holding onto it keeps you moving on...

Time flows by but that hope never fades, with memories as the only incentive!

*****

It's been 11 years already!

But I have never lost that hope...Yet.

Well how can I?

I miss my mother so much!

I want to see her smiling face, eyes full of adoration, cuddle with her, play with her...like I used to.

It seems to be so that with her out of my life, I have turned into a lodger in the present, a dweller from the past and a wanderer of the future!

Never had a day gone by without me thinking about her, I miss her every damn day. I would stand in my balcony looking up at the stars thinking of any one reason of her leaving me.

Why did you leave...

I have had nightmares in my sleep after she left me...I still do have them!

But it didn't in the least bothered me...even though they make me exhausted and I could hardly get a wink of sleep, I'm happy, at least I could see her, feel her presence in my sleep...

Anyway, what's the big deal? My life was already a living nightmare !

What hurts the most is...Dad!

He avoided talking about her as much as he could. He might be hurting too much, was what I had thought of, that it might hurt him more to talk about her.

But I was wrong. He never did care actually!

It was nearly a year after my mom left, when I asked about her. He remained silent. No matter how many times I asked him he covered it up with different excuses.

I still remember that awful day till now. That day I had approached him again. His reaction was the one of the thing that left me stunned.

"She is well. Doing fine. You don't have to worry about her" , he said , his voice rising with every word he spoke.

He then shouted , "She's gone already... "

Even before he could finish I ran. I ran away from my so called home.

Or was it really my home?

I couldn't bear to look at his face any more. That hurtful expression on his face was too much for me so running away was what I had thought as the best way to escape from the pain I was suffering from, my helplessness, my fear, the feeling of betrayal, uncertainty I felt... that day.

I didn't know what had happened then. I woke up to find myself in the hospital. I was claimed to be tired, suffering from depression and stressed out by the doctor there, that I needed rest. He prescribed me with sleeping meds and suggested therapy sessions for a couple of months. I was free to go soon after.

Ever since that day I ignored my father. Our relationship became strained and was barely holding on.

One thing that made it possible was that we lived in the same house!

We hardly ever spoke. I didn't even care to acknowledge his existence forget about speaking. Sometimes he tried to initiate conversations, with me nodding or shouting at him (most of the time) at beginning. He would bear with both my silence and outbursts.

Gradually, I stopped speaking as a whole, never to shout, to blame, to let my emotions known to anyone!

Silence was the medicine I needed I suppose?

Therapy sessions were of no help to me.

They tried to get rid of my nightmare problem but I didn't want them to. I acted as if I was recovering, faking it. Soon, I became some one who could fool others without even trying and successfully got rid of the stupid sessions!

As for my father, he got himself busy with work to avoid arguments. He spent less and less time at home.

I could care less anyway?

I too avoided him. I became drawn to silence and confined myself to isolation. I kept my emotions bottled up. I hardly ever spoke with others needless to say made any friends!

I thought I didn't require a friend whatsoever...

It was as if my whole world had shut down and that I was on the brink of collapsing soon, which I won't mind actually...