October 7th 2013; 9:32pm
"Hey"
Alex stood there in shock, blinking several times as though trying to determine if this was real or not; the fact that I was standing at his door at 9.30 pm on a Monday. I shot him a small smile and saw him swallow, before he slowly ran his hand through his hair.
"Hi"
I stared at him, not exactly sure what to do. I had been such a bitch to him so was I expecting him to turn me away while yelling profanities?
Yes.
"You want to come in?"
Not.
I shot Alex a small smile, took in a deep breath, and stepped into his house; a wave of nostalgia ran through me then. I stared at the familiar couches in the living room where a lot of make-out sessions had taken place – I blushed at this thought – the jasmine scent that constantly seemed to drift through the house from the countless candles his mother always put up, and there was the smell of a home-cooked meal in the air.
"Who was it?"
His mother came out of the kitchen then, wiping her hands on the apron she was wearing. Her hair was in a tight bun, as she hated whenever people cooked with their hair all over the place and rolled up sleeves. She stopped when she saw me, a huge smile stretching onto her face as she opened her arms wide for a hug.
I smiled shyly as she embraced me, taking in the familiar scent of her homemade strawberry-lemonade perfume. When she pulled apart, she pinched my cheek slightly before holding me at arm's length.
"Look at you darling," she said, before releasing me and putting her hands on her waist "where've you been? We missed you around here!"
The thing was Alex's mom could never tell when there was something wrong; she just always assumed everyone was in a happy place, as she was a very happy person. At that moment, I had the feeling she had no idea Alex and I had broken up.
"Mom," Alex muttered warily, before grabbing my hand and pulling me past his mother.
"It was nice to see you Mrs. Morris" I said, waving with my free hand. She smiled and waved me off, before turning to go back into the kitchen. I smiled, turned around, and followed Alex up to his room, slowly pulling my hand out of his. I heard him sigh as we reached his room, right before he yanked the door open and held it out for me.
I stepped gingerly into his room then, a fresh round of memories wafting through my thoughts.
Memories I didn't think I would ever forget.
I blushed discreetly and made my way over to his bed and sat down slowly. He followed suit, only sitting a few inches away from me.
"I wanted to talk to you," I turned to look at him nervously, as he stared expectantly at me "to explain everything"
I had told Avian everything, and now, I felt as though Alex had to know the complete truth as well. The real reason I had broken up with him.
Alex nodded and waited for me to continue. I let out a low breath and glanced back down to my hands, kneading them timidly.
"I just want to apologize, first of all" I said, taking a deep breath as I turned to him "for what I put you through, everything."
Alex shot me a small smile and nodded, waiting for me to go on.
"I was in a bad place, with..." I swallowed the lump in my throat and glanced away from him "with Lolita dying and all, and I wasn't ready to accept any of it"
Alex sighed and shifted closer to me.
"I still saw her every day after the accident," I laughed humorlessly, glancing down at the tiles on the floor "we had normal conversations, she gave me advice, fashion tips" I slowly glanced up at him "it was as though it never happened."
Alex ran his hands through his hair, completely shocked, and not expecting what I had just said. Slowly, he took my hand as I continued.
"My dad left to marry some whore he'd been cheating on my mom with, and my mother turned into this raging bitch that was always either drunk, angry or both, but it was okay" I sighed and ran my free hand through my hair "it was okay because I would go to my room and there Lolita was. We would talk all night, and she'd tell me she loved me, that she would never leave me, and that everything would be okay"
I turned to gaze at Alex.
"And I believed her. I was so lost," I stared at nothing in particular "lost to the point that I invented up this whole life where the world was perfect and Lolita and I would always have each other" I glanced up at Alex "I was desperate to believe that the world I made up was real; that the accident had never happened, and we could go about our lives in peace"
Alex put his arm around me then, and I could feel my throat swelling with tears.
"I thought that if I accepted the fact that she was dead, I would never be able to see her again, not even at night when I needed her. When all I could think about was how much I had screwed up." I scoffed "I thought that if I didn't face reality, then seeing her would become my reality. Then you started asking questions…"
"And you couldn't deal," Alex finished my sentence and let out a sigh "Shay, I had no idea"
"Of course you didn't, because I didn't tell you. I didn't tell anyone"
Alex sighed again and ran his hands up and down my arm soothingly; I leaned heavily into him, breathing in his scent.
There were no butterflies, no racing of the heart; just pure relief and happiness to have him be the one holding me; comforting me.
Of course I loved Alex, I would always love him but as we sat there, with his arms around me and me loving it, I realized that I was not in love with Alex.
At least, not anymore.
"I love you Alex," I sighed, pulling away to look at him. He stared at me, as though he wasn't hearing me right. I ran my hands through my hair and looked sadly at him "but I'm not in love with you"
I watched Alex freeze, his face masked by a deep sadness. He was hurt and I knew it; I didn't want him to be in love with me. I wanted him to find someone who would make him happy. A girl who would cherish him, and love him a lot deeper than I ever did.
Someone that wasn't me.
I slowly stood then and placed myself in front of him before lifting his cast down the face with both hands.
"Alexander Morris, you are a good person," I said as I ran my hands through his hair "you're funny, you're smart, sweet, kind and everything a girl needs" he stared into my soul, his eyes seeming to cry out "why not you?"
I sighed.
"You need someone who's emotionally stable Alex," I said with a small smile "someone you'll be proud to say 'that's my girlfriend' and it's not me" Alex closed his eyes and took in a deep breath as I continued "you may think you're in love with me Alex, but you aren't. I'm not the love of your life and I was never meant to be"
I couldn't be the love of Alex's life, because as I stared at him, I realized that as much as I hated to admit, I had fallen way deeper in love with Avian than I had ever been with Alex. Avian was the one; even though there was the slight problem with him not wanting to live but I didn't care anymore.
I loved Avian Carter with all my heart, and it gave me a deep sense of happiness to finally be able to admit that confidently to myself.
"I'll always love you, Alex," I said with a small smile as he gazed up at me "I'll love you to the moon and back but that's it. I would never be able to love you throughout the entire universe"
That kind of love was reserved for Avian; if only he would give me the chance to love him that much, and fight the damn cancer.
Alex laughed at my analogy, and slowly stood, completely engulfing me in his arms. I put my arms around him and buried my face in his chest, breathing in his scent deeply one last time.
"I love you too, Shay"
I smiled and slapped his chest playfully.
"How could you not? I'm irresistible"
Alex laughed and pulled me in for another hug, letting out a huge sigh. We stayed that way for a long time, and it made me indescribably happy that we had finally talked it through.
Alex was happy and I liked him better that way.
One down.
Now if only Avian could grab his head out of his ass and listen to what I had to say, I just might have a shot at surviving the rest of my life.