Calm. Quiet. Tranquil.
These words perfectly describe what I feel when I'm close to her. Watching her sleep so peacefully after a night of intimacy made my chest tighten. In this moment, I now realize that I wanted to claim her as mine more than I was willing to love her.
Crush. Pulverize. Destroy.
I want to carve my name into her skin, I her want her to wear it as if it were a prized jewel. Let everyone know that she belongs solely to me. That no one else can have her and those who dare try will answer to me.
I don't know what's wrong with me. I wish I knew why I was like this… I want to know how I could have absolutely everything I've ever wanted, but still feel terrified of losing it all. Of losing her, my family, my whole heart.
That's why I need her close to me at all times. That's why I need to leave my signature on her body. To ward off any invaders and let them know she has been spoken for. The ring she wears on her finger, the two beautiful boys she blessed me with, none of it was enough for me. I needed to deepen our bond. I have to. For my own selfish sake.
"My woman…" My hand moves on its own and traces her jawline. "My baby… I love you. I love you so much it fuckin' hurts."
She softly sighs and relaxes her face into the palm of my hand. Shifting slightly closer to me, her hand grabs at mine and pulls it into her chest.
"I love you too Ricky. I'd do anything for you."
My eyes widen at her sudden words. How long had she been awake?
"I'm sorry, did I wake you?" A fake apology leaves my mouth. I didn't care if I woke her or not, I just wanted her undivided attention on me at all times.
"It's okay, but you look like you haven't been asleep at all." She sits up and presses the back of her hand to my forehead. "Oh no, are you running a fever?"
"I'm fine. Just need some sleep is all."
She purses her lips and silently watches me. Why is she staring at me like that? Could she tell that I woke her on purpose? Was she mad at me for it?
"Ricky tell me what's wrong… You're being all spacey and it's making me anxious." She slides closer and throws her legs off the side of the bed. The smell of her natural scent filled my lungs. It made the creeping distress I was feeling slowly begin fade away.
"I- I'm sorry okay?" I shake my head. I couldn't even look her in the eyes anymore. I felt so ashamed. "I know I'm a selfish narcissist and that I'll do anything to get what I want but this… This is killing me. It's eating at my insides like a damn parasite."
"You're scaring me Ricky… What are you talking about?"
"Nothing. Never mind. Tomorrow, after we pick up the boys, we have a flight to catch. I'll be a pretty busy day so try to get some sleep."
"What flight? Where are we going?"
I reach over to her and touch her hair, in response she clings closer to my arm and lies her head on my shoulder. She was oblivious to what was happening and still held onto me. How cute.
"Frankfurt. A business trip for me but you should just consider it a vacation."
"Frankfurt? What the hell kind of business is in Germany?" She let go of my arm and stared at me like I has just insulted her.
"Business that guarantees us a new life. One we agreed on starting. Together."
"Yeah but in Germany? Do you even know the language? Have you even been there before? And what makes you think that I'd like it there? That the twins will like it there?"
"Kazmaria, I'm sorry okay?"
"Is this why you've been so nice recently? Why you spent all that money on me the other day? To bribe me?" She stands from the bed and moves to the corner of the bedroom.
"No, Kaz I'd never-"
"Please, stop it. I don't think I can do this right now."
"Just listen to me okay…?" I stand form the bed and walk towards her.
"I understand how you feel right now but you've gotta understand that I'd never do anything to put you or the boys in danger. I just need you to trust me on this one."
"Yeah okay, let me stop you right there. It's late, Ricky. We had a wonderful day earlier and ended it on a good note. A very good note if I might add, so let's just sleep on this. I'm tired… And honestly still a bit sore."
She sighs and lies back down on her side of the bed.
"I don't know what the hell is going on through that head of yours and honestly this is not a good time to be discussing this topic. But for now, please, just come back to bed."
There it is again. That feeling of placidity that only comes from her. It was like she had some unspoken control over me. All she had to do was look at me, with those beautiful brown eyes and I was nothing but putty in her hands.
"Yeah, right. Let's go to bed."
She waits for me to lie down then hesitantly puts her arms around my chest.
"Don't make yourself touch me if you don't want to." My emotions were becoming harder to control. One second I'm fine then in the blink of an eye I'm lashing out again.
"Ricky, idiota. Deja de pensar tanto."
(Ricky, you idiot. Stop thinking so much.)
I tense at her words. They were spoken in a sleepy voice but completely audible. It has been some time since I've heard her speak my tongue and hearing them leave her lips so effortlessly makes me smile.
"I feel like it's been forever since you've spoken Spanish. Thought you might have forgotten how to."
"¿No te he dicho que era la primera lengua que aprendí?"
(Didn't I tell you it was the first language I learned?)
"No, I would have remembered something like that."
"Yeah well I…" Her words become mumbled and her breathing was slower, indicating that she had fallen asleep. Right in my arms. Right where she belongs.
"Buenas noches, mami. Hablamos mañana."
(Goodnight, mami. We'll talk tomorrow.)