How can someone be so sweet and cruel at the same time? Why is he showing me hope but talks differently? Why cant he just say straight to my face right? But then again, thinking about it, is it just me who assumed that he has a crush on me? Maybe I was just lying to myself that he does. In the end, I am the one whos hurting myself.
But Google said that if someone likes you they usually had eye contact. Yes, sometimes we did. My desk is in the front while he was sitting next to Jolina at the back. Jolina and I were pretty close at that time, so every time Jolina calls me and turns my gaze unto them, I sometimes caught him looking at me then quickly reverts his gaze into something else. Or MAYBE IM JUST OVERTHINKING THINGS.
But Google said that when someone like you, they change personality, well that is something I can confirm. When he was with the other guys, he talks and laughs normally but when I'm around he becomes silent. Or maybe because he just hates me. I know that he treats me as competition, ever since the Top ranking was posted, we always have a debate during class. Every time I recite in class he always had a follow-up question and ended up in an educational argument. Why does he even do that and to the fact that I am the only one? That means that he hates me. Maybe that is why he treats me differently.
Google also said that the person is paying attention to me. Well he does when in class, I mean if he wouldn't how can he have a follow questions to my answer every time I recite. Or maybe he just wants to shut me off.
Now I get it, he does hate me. Because he wouldn't do such things if he doesn't, right. How foolish of me.
After I realize things, I focus my attention on something else. I watched anime all day on Saturday. As much as possible, I avoided him. During recitation, he still does the same, but I always say 'okay' 'not all people had the same opinion' 'i respect your opinion' every time he has a say to my opinion. I know, curse all you want, because I decided from this forth forward, I will stop liking you. Maybe that way, we can have a better relationship, maybe s friends.
But what I think will make things good for us, it became more difficult to deal with. He just started to ignore me, literally. Every time we happen to pass at each, he doesn't give me even a single glance. Nē! What the hell is his problem!
"Jewel, come here!" Alex, Andrei, Wong, and Jeffrey started to play rubrics again. Brings back memories. But this time, Jolina called me to their desk, they were playing, I mean Jeffrey is teaching her to play. Honestly, I kinda forget how it works, I stopped playing ever since they became busy in 7th grade. I know it was awkward, but Jolina called me, I know he's avoiding me, but why should I bother. It's not because of him that went to their desk, Its Jolina who called. AND WHY THE HELL AM I SO DEFENSIVE!
"Do you how to play this?" I just smile at her.
"I play during 7th grade but I forgot how to do it" Jolina grab me to a seat.
"Let's learn it together, Alex is having a tournament in class, let's join!" I can't help but feel disappointed. Or jealous. The hell!!
In the end, we learn how to solve it. It made it easy to solve since I already played it. I just recall some of the moves. I know, Jeffrey has a different style of solving it, what Alex taught me last year is different from his.
"You have different style in solving it" I stated, just to start a conversation.
"Why?" he just looked at me. What? I only ask to break the ice.
" Nothing, we have different styles, I know how to respect other people's knowledge, we are not the same" I stated a fact. But his reaction was a little bit weird. I don't know why he got mad. He slams the rubrics cube on the desk and walk away. Huh? Did I say something wrong? What the hell is his problem? I looked at Jolina but she just shrugged.
I even followed him outside the room just to apologize but when I came out he was no longer to be seen. What the hell is his problem?
Then so the class end, I have gotten not a single conversation with him. Damn, making me feel guilty the whole day. Why should even I feel guilty, I didn't even said nothing wrong. Why is he so mad?
After class I waited for Jolina, their group is in charge of cleaning the room. So I waited in the room. Then boredom strikes me, so I decided to go to the whiteboard and draw, at least just to vent out my frustration. I spent the whole 20 minutes is wasting the ink, drawing some animes that I can't even draw the eyes right.
Then after a few minutes of waiting time, I felt like someone was looking at me. You know what I mean, we have this feeling that someone is staring at us even when not looking. So I look at the back, and I saw him, Jeffrey. He was staring at me, with his damn so cool stare like I was living in an anime world full goddamn hot guys. But because I was so flustered, I diverted my attention to what I'm doing. Please don't notice me! Wishing I was invincible. He was successful in making me feel guilty that I can't even look at him straight. Even though I don't know why he was angry.
He started walking towards me, while my heartbeat went crazy. I cannot even think right the moment. All I can hear is my heartbeat. I went back to my work, I erase it and start to draw again. And for god's sake I can't even draw the face right.
"Jewel" I looked at him, flustered. I mean, I was so nervous, that I feel all my pulse in my body.
"I'm sorry about this morning, I should've yelled t you" then I cracked! At that moment, all I can feel is the beat inside my chest. I can't even find my words right.
"Um?"
"No! I should be the one to say sorry, I should've said anything!" I just burst out the first sentence that I can think of. Honestly, at that time, I wanted to ask him why he treated me differently from the rest of our friends, but I can't even put it into words.
"No, it is my fault, I'm sorry" I'm out of words. We just looked at each other at that time. Awkwardly? Guess not. I was even shaking. I kinda nod at that moment and went back to my work. Went back to my work huh, I ant even draw a single line. What else should I do, I'm out of words.
"Um Jewe..."
"Yes!" I looked at him, no I was looking at the floor. I have no guts to look t him I the eyes. But what I felt that time was like I'm standing in an open-air. It wasn't a butterfly in the stomach, it was much much better than that.
"Are we good?" I can also feel his nervousness at that moment. I just nodded, I was scared that my voice would crack when I speak.
"That's a relief....so...see you.." He waved goodbye and leaves the room. I was there standing while looking at him leave. That was the longest conversation we had since school started. I was glad, at least I know that we made it out.
Maybe it is possible to communicate even without words. Because at that moment, I can feel his sincerity and we both understand it.