I Wish you Didn't Love Me
- One more time-
I sunk into bed feeling the soft warm sheets around me. The day was finally over. I took a deep breath trying to relax but I couldn't help but think about my mother's warning. I sighed in frustration.
I don't want to listen to her anymore. But a small part inside of me knew that if I didn't, there would be consequences. I know my mother, she's capable of doing whatever it takes to get what she wants. And I don't want to deal with that toxic part of her anymore. I sat up and looked out of my window, wishing for any sign, to tell me I have to pull through. But there wasn't one.
I stood up not wanting to believe my own thoughts. All I have to do is go along with her plan and I can finish mine. I walked over to my balcony doors and opened them. While walking outside I admired the city view. At least I can say I bought this beautiful penthouse myself. I've never given into what my mother wanted if all she wants is marriage. Why not just get it over with?
Suddenly I heard a faint ringing inside. I realized it was the sound of my phone ringing so I went back inside to my room and picked up my phone. I was getting a call from Lena.
"Hey. What are you calling so late for?" I said while going over to close the balcony doors.
"Soran! Finally, you picked up I've been calling for hours" Confused I checked my phone and saw her missed calls.
"Lena, it's been four minutes," I said with a slight laugh.
"Whatever. But hey I was wondering if you wanted to go clubbing tonight. I know you don't like those kinds of things but it's just for one-"
"Sure" I could hear her get quiet. She's right. I don't like going out to parties because I'm usually a busy person who likes to sleep. But I don't know what came over me. Maybe it was the sudden realization that this would be my last night truly free. So I'm gonna be free one last time. "By the way, why are you calling me if you're just a few feet away?" I just heard silence for a bit until she responded.
"I'm already at the club entrance," way to wait for me, Lena.
- A few hours later -
"I can't believe you agreed to go out tonight." Lena was excited. And I can't say that I am. I thoroughly regret coming to such a noisy place. But I am happy that I can hang out with Lena. We both have had pretty busy schedules lately so we don't see each other as much besides the few minutes at home.
I met her in college when I was just starting my business. She is my number one fan and the only friend I've ever trusted.
"Hey what's got you so down?" I just looked at her. I didn't know how to tell her. I'm gonna go on an arranged date tomorrow and then get engaged. I didn't want to bring her into my troubles anymore. The last thing I want is to bother her with my problems. She just gently grabbed my hand and looked at me.
"Look you don't have to tell me anything if you don't want to. I'll just help you some other way" She passed me a drink and raised her eyebrows. "Let's have fun!"
I looked at the drink in contemplation. I have to wake up early tomorrow and go on that date. And like I said. There's a lot of things I don't do. And drinking when I have to wake up early is not one of them. But I also said this was my last time doing things freely.
So I took the shot from her hands and waited for her to pick hers up. Once she did I quickly drank all of it because if I hesitated I knew I would change my mind. The burning sensation was something I didn't like. I don't like a lot of things. But I needed something to keep my mind off my complicated issues.
"Two more over here!" I waved at the bartender who just nodded and proceeded to prepare more drinks.
"Wow it must be bad," Lena said surprised.
"Yea. I'm getting married" I chugged the new shot as soon as the bartender put it on the counter.
"What?! Okay, forget what I said you have to tell me everything" I just sighed because I knew I had to explain.
"I will just let me get a little less sober so I can talk about it" She quickly handed me her drink and once again. Chugged.
So then I spent a few minutes explaining everything. It was kind of hard with all of the music playing in the back. But in the end, I got it all out.
"That is not what I was thinking went wrong. I thought your deal with the other company went wrong" She said in disbelief.
"No, I have that tomorrow. Luckily I have all the documents I need for that ready so I don't even have to worry about that." We stayed quiet for some time not knowing what to say. There isn't much you can say. But Lena always finds some way to make things better.
"Wanna dance?"She looked at me waiting for my answer. I just shrugged. Why not.
Before going to the dance floor we took a few more shots just to make sure we could forget our embarrassing dance moves the next day and so that we could do them in the first place. And Surprisingly it worked. Because I danced without caring if I liked it or not.
The air was thin. And it was really hot. But I didn't care. The music covered everything bad. I ignored all the people around me and just danced with the music. Everything bad briefly went away. But at some point, I had to get back to reality.
And the reality was. I don't care about the threats from my mother. I don't care what she does anymore. I'm not getting married anymore, and she can do what she wants. I will live my life my way. I turned around to tell Lena my big revelation but I didn't see her anywhere. I looked around and all I saw were strangers. I quickly scanned the room.
Suddenly I felt the air get thinner and thinner. It was getting hotter every second.
"Lena!" I yelled out hoping she would respond. This can't be happening. I pushed everyone trying to find her. What if something happened to her? It was getting hard to breath at this point. People were pushing me back and I didn't have the strength to push through.
I just slowly sat down in the middle of everything. I laid my head inside of my knees and slowly tried to breathe again. My mind suddenly went back to a moment just like this. The feeling of being abandoned.
It's not a new feeling. It's something I can't seem to forget. I started going back to a time just like this. When I felt myself slip away from reality.
I kept trying my best to suppress my memories from coming back.
"Hey,"
I opened my eyes and saw a hand in front of me. When I looked up I was greeted by a warm smile.
Before I realized it, slowly my breathing began calming down. It was as if time had slowly come to a stop and the music slowly became nonexistent.
"Don't you know the floor is really dirty?" I looked up and felt a single tear slowly run down my face. I felt myself calming down by just focusing on his eyes. He bent down in front of me and I just looked at him. I looked down at his hand that was reaching out to me and I don't know if it was the alcohol or not. But I grabbed his hand and did something I would regret for a long time.
I pulled him in for a kiss.