As I came back from the station... I had never felt so empty in my whole life....
Ah!!!!!!!....I hate myself, why am like this!! S***!!! S***!!!
It S****!!!!
At first, it was just feeling of emptiness.... then, it started to feel frustrated...
All the thoughts that started to run across my mind was filled with negative things... why I am like this!!!! Why can't I be like any other girl!!!!
What is wrong with me??? why am I behaving in these manner??? Ahhhh!!!!
*Dang, dang!!! *
I punch my pillows, untill I was tired and my pillow case was worn off....
Tears started to stream down again.... What is wrong with my tear duct!!!! I rub my face hard with a towel as I dried off my stupid tears....
I had starting to prefer pain...I hate the feeling, I was having... what do I do to get rid of it??? I was ready to do anything....
For a moment I was angry that I met Michelle.... angry that I started feeling for her....
For days, I did not feel like doing anything...this world did not matter...
From that day on, I did not even go out from the room nor did I feel like eating.... I had even forgotten to enjoy my favorite noodles as well....
I sat near my window most of the time but saw nothing....
Esha called and texted me, I told her I had flu... I didn't even go to college..I didn't feel like it...I was scared that I may meet Michelle... What will happen if I see her after knowing I love her....it will be a disaster for me....
AISSSSSHHHHHH!!!! I need to get a grip of myself.
*Slap, slap*
I slap on my cheeks to wake myself up.... to bring myself up from drowning in my own sorrows...
I agreed I have fallen deep this time, but its never too late to stand up again.....
I should become a greater being, hmmmph!!!
I will have to let her go... as long as she is happy, I should be happy for her..... and on that day she was looking so beautiful and happy..... I shouldn't stand in the way of her happiness... I told myself.
After all she is such a perfect angel, anyone would fall for her easily.... that guy seems like a good guy....
Arrrrhhhh!!! Rrrrr....!!!
But then again,..... I wanted her all by myself.... I didn't want to share.... I wanted her to smile for me...Its really difficult to let someone you love go away that easily....
Sigh!! I guess it was not supposed to be a happy ending in my case....everyone is not born to have happy ending.... .maybe its my punishment from previous life.... Sigh....!!!
This incident made me realise that I was deeply in love with Michelle...
It had nothing to do with me being a lesbian or a gay or what so ever.... the label does not matter to me anymore... Conducting all silly experiments ... trying to proof myself righteous....
Now all I know, is that I happen to love another person deeply and that truth will remain as it is... ..because the person is not going to be mine....