Our story begins on a cold dreary Tuesday morning. It was an ordinary Tuesday morning cold and damp from the light rain that had fallen throughout the night. The sun had just started peeking over the horizon as our young hero swayed back and forth from atop his steed. The young hero groaned softly between each sway as they made their way up the slight hill. Now although most people would find an early morning horseback ride a relaxing and therapeutic experience, this ride was far from relaxing (and certainly not therapeutic). No, this ride wasn't your ordinary morning horseback ride. For, you see, our hero was not controlling a horse, but instead an ass: and a lame one at that. This particular ass was missing his right hind leg. This led to the beast jolting forward with a minor hop after each step.
This created an already uncomfortable ride for the ass' master, but the uncomfortable ride was only intensified by the fact that our hero was just beginning to sober up from a long night of drinking just a few too many pints of mead.
And why would our hero be sobering up on an early Tuesday morning, you may ask? Isn't it too early in the week for a night of too many pints? Maybe our hero had a few drinks to relax his nerves for his upcoming challenge of defeating the two-headed dragon of Belmouth and rescuing the young princess trapped below the beast's lair. It is possible that the young man was drinking because his trusty steed had abandoned him after years of service to pursue a golden mare that had caught the steed's heart. Perhaps the man was drinking because the only replacement he could obtain was this lame ass that he had purchased from a shady farmer three towns back. Or just maybe, it was to escape the horrors of another bloody Monday (and that my friend is more than enough of a reason for another pint).
Whether it was one of these reasons or a combination of them all, our hero was riding into Belmouth atop his ass, groaning and wincing from the hangover created by the night prior. They clambered up the hill and across the old cobblestone bridge before reaching the abandoned shell of what used to be a sprawling city. They moved silently down the streets as they made their way to the ruined fortress that once housed royalty.
The knight pulled himself from atop the ass before tying the beast's reigns to a small hollow tree. The knight sighed profoundly as he struggled to pull his gear from the ass' back. He slung a thin layer of chain mail over his body before covering his chest with a thin dented cuirass two sizes too big. The young man then fastened a rusty spaulder to his right shoulder (he had lost the left one several years ago) followed by covering his hands with two thick gauntlets. The knight skipped the greaves and gorget (already struggling with the combined weight of metal armor) before tightening the laces of his thin leather boots. The then threw on a massive helmet that swallowed the man's head and wobbled about.
Our hero examined the place as he contemplated his strategy. The yard was serene and silent. Eerily still and just as eerily silent. Not a single sign of life could be detected across the yard. Odd, the knight thought. Usually, there is at least one rodent or tiny creature that would scurry about picking up the scraps left behind by the large predator. Our hero sighed once more as he drew his rusty blade and picked up his small shield before making his way inside the grim fortress through a small hole in the wall.
The hole led to the larder. A dank stench of spoiled food filled the knight's nostrils. The man gagged on the foul air as he made his way through the room. He made his way from the Larder to the kitchen to the dining hall. It wasn't until our young hero reached the great hall before the foul smell subsided.
The man stopped there to breathe in the fresher musky air of the forgotten hall of old as he surveyed the ancient room intently; searching for any signs of where the monstrous beast may be. A large red tattered tapestry engrossed our hero's attention. The knight approached the worn ragged cloth as he examined the rag's series of paintings coated in dust and dirt. The cloth illustrated the history of the castle's origins and how the noble King Geoffry claimed the land of Belmouth as his own. The images portrayed the glorious battle of Fornost, where Geoffrey slew the three-horned barguest that controlled the land. Ironic, the knight chuckled as he thought of his task at hand.
Our hero continued down the hall, ducking and weaving through the debris that littered the fortress. A light rumble stopped the knight in his trek. The man stood still as he listened carefully, intent on finding the source. Another rumble filled the hall once more; followed by a light breeze of air. The knight gradually crept onward and peered into the neighboring room. There it lied: the two-headed dragon of Belmouth.
The room rumbled as the reptilian beast snored. Air bellowed out of its nostrils as the behemoth slept soundly in front of the altar of the castle's chapel. A sly grin grew across the knight's face as he contemplated his options. Our hero had two choices: he could sneak by the dragon and search for the princess as the beast slept: or he could slay the beast in his sleep and prevent a grueling battle. Now, as most people know, option two would be the best choice for a dragon is quite the dangerous foe (let alone one with two heads). But option one did have its perks. If one is stealthy enough (or if the dragon is a hard sleeper) one could easily sneak by and complete one's task without blood on one's hands. But our hero decided to bypass both options and alternatively used a third.
"Alright, you filthy beast! Prepare to die!"
The room fell silent as the monster opened his eyes. The beast lay still as its four amber eyes locked onto the miniature man that stood before him. Time froze as the two stood locked in anticipation. The beast made the first move, gradually lifting its heads from atop a single pew. The monster's eyes stayed locked on its prey as its left head reared back and gasped for air. A nervous look of desperation filled the knight's face as the man recognized the grave error he had made. Smoke filled the dragon's nostrils as the knight raised his shield in defense. Embers and soot shot out of the dragon's nose as a stream of fire exploded from the beast's mouth.
The knight ducked behind his small shield as the room fell into darkness. The man's shield turned orange as the stream of fire hit the metal disc directly. The knight cried out in pain as the orange turned to a brilliant red as the metal began to weld itself to the man's gauntlet. The knight dove to the right as the stream subsided. He ripped the metal glove from his hand, tossing it and the molten shield aside. Our hero peeked out from behind his pew as he began to formulate a plan. The dragon roared violently as it sucked more air into its left head. Smoke billowed out once more as it reared forward for another blast.
Our hero threw himself under the pew and began to crawl forward, making his way towards the beast from under the cover of the rows of seats. The beast howled in annoyance as it flung its right head towards the knight, lifting and hurling the vacant seats that stood in the monster's path. The knight squealed in freight as the dragon flung the pew the man hid beneath to the side before thrusting its second head towards its foe. The knight rolled to the side as the beast lunged towards the man, once more, narrowly missing the creature's teeth. Our hero jumped to his feet and thrust his sword as the monster reared back for another attack. The knight thrust his blade forward as the beast's right head flew towards him. The blade hit its mark; splitting the monster's face from its nose down to its chin.
The dragon cried out in pain as it yanked its wounded face away from the rusty blade. The monster retaliated quickly, rearing its left head back as it gasped for air. Smoke began to flow from the beast's nostrils once more as our hero leaped forward. Embers showered the knight as he flew through the air, heading directly into the left head's trajectory. Fire began to erupt from the creature's mouth as the knight swung his blade. The sword connected, slicing through the dragon's neck. The monster's right head lunged towards the knight as he finished his stroke; flinging the carcass of the beast's left head to the side. The dragon chomped down onto the knight's spaulder; gripping the man's shoulder with its strong teeth. The behemoth tossed the knight high into the air before catching his prey with his teeth.
The knight's face turned pale as he plummeted towards the beast's tongue. Our hero thrust out his sword as the monster closed its split jaw. In one swift movement, the beast raised its head and lifted its tongue, forcing its captured prey down towards the dark pit of the creature's throat. The knight held his sword firmly as he tumbled down the monster's tongue. The blade dug deep into the dragon's throat. The knight thrust all of his weight onto his blade, shoving the sword through the beast's gullet.
The dragon's eyes grew large as it gagged and coughed from the pain. Blood spewed from the new hole created in the creature's neck as the beast clawed in panic to dislodge the knight's blade. Our hero held true, thrusting the blade out as far as it would go. The dragon cried out in agony as the knight began to twist his sword around the creature's neck. The sharp metal cut through the monster's flesh like butter, enlarging the narrow hole with each press. The beast let out one last howl of pain as the knight sliced through the monster's vocal cords. The creature slumped forward as the blade finished its cut. With a thud and a rumble, the knight was flung from inside the creature and thrown to the ground as the husk of the behemoth crumpled to the floor.
The knight picked himself up from the ground and dusted himself off as he surveyed the wreckage the two had caused. The room was filled with soot and smoke, making it hard for the knight to see. Small crackles and pops of embers and small flames ate away at the remains of the wooden furniture that had lined the room. The knight made his way over to the dragon's corpse and plucked his blade from the creature's stiff neck; causing its lifeless head to flop against the ground. The young man sheathed his blade and began to search through the wreckage for his shield. The disc laid beneath a smoldering wooden board. The knight kicked the board aside and lifted the dented saucer; bringing with it the small gauntlet that had been welded to the shield from the beast's fiery breath.
The knight pulled and tugged on the two metal pieces as he tried prying them apart before tossing the junk aside in defeat.
"Now, where is that princess?" The knight contemplated aloud before vacating the soot-filled room. Our young hero went back to the great hall and continued down the path towards the remaining rooms. He checked each of the bed chambers and even the solar. He searched the cabinets and boudoir before examining the servant's quarters. No sign of the damsel could be detected on the main floor. As a result, the knight decided to head below and investigate the undercroft. The young man waltzed down the stairs without a care in the world. The man had succeeded in his challenge by slaying the foul beast that had defended this fortress. The difficult part was over, what more did he have to worry about?
The knight danced and skipped down the dark halls whistling a memorable tune as he went. The man hopped over debris and kicked small stones with each step he made down the long corridor. The young man was stirring up quite the racket as he searched the abandoned tunnels. E was making so much noise that it caught the attention of a confused young woman sitting in her cage at the far end of the casemate.
"Hello?" She called out to the source of the racket. "Anybody there?"
The knight stopped whistling as the words echoed down the empty hall. "Princess?" He called out in response. "Is that you?"
"It is I," the maiden called out to her savior. "Princess Buttercup Flynn Bottom Hera of the Northern lands of Pilmuth. My father must have sent you; although your voice is unfamiliar. I know our noblemen quite well. However, I cannot recognize your voice. Sir Reginald?"
"Nay, my fair maiden," the knight replied as he continued towards the voice.
"Sir Vincent?"
"Not I." The knight answered once more.
"Sir Weinhardt?"
"No," the knight called out as he entered the room.
"Sir… Who are you?" The princess asked in confusion.
"It is I, Sir…" Now it was at this time that the knight did reveal his name to the young princess. The man had a very common name: An ordinary name like George or Mike or Matt. It was such an ordinary name that quite frankly I have forgotten what it was.
"Sir George or Mike or Matt?" The princess asked once more. "I'm afraid I do not recognize you. Are you from the Northern lands of Pilmuth?"
"Nay, my fair lady," the knight replied.
"What about the Great Lakes of Valenshire?"
The knight shook his head as he looked up at the maiden sitting suspended in the air inside of a cage that resembled one that would contain a bird.
"Helendorf? Ravenwood? Hagglespire? Vizenshire?"
The knight shook his head to each of the questions as he searched for a way to release the damsel.
"Well, where the bloody hell are you from?"
Where was the knight from? That is a very good question; for the knight had never had a home. He grew up as an orphan with his first memory being as a boy walking over a hill and under a tree. The knight had since traveled to many places but never did stay long. The closest place the man had to call home was a small tavern that sat beneath a large oak tree outside of a small farm town.
"Oh, just someplace over a hill and under a tree. Now, how do I get you down from there?"
"There is a crank on the wall just to the right of you," the princess pointed towards the wooden contraption. "Release that bolt and rotate the crank precisely six turns counter-clockwise and my cage will be lowered. The key should be in the room next door. I believe the guard left it on a hook above the carpenter's table… Oh! Please be careful with… Ahh!" The princess screamed as her cage plummeted to the ground. With a loud crash, the cage crumpled to pieces, releasing the rattled and annoyed maiden.
"Whoops," the knight chuckled as he tossed the bolt to the side. "Guess we won't need that key. What was that bit about the guard?"
"The Guard?" The princess scowled, her voice rising in anger. "The guard who placed me here. The guard who locked me in that cage. You didn't deal with that guard?"
"So… The guard is different than the dragon?"
The princess stared hard at her savior in disbelief. "How is a dragon supposed to lock me in a cage?" She screamed.
"Yeah, you're probably right," the knight agreed.
"Probably right?" the princess scoffed as she picked herself off the floor.
"Yeah," the knight replied. "It probably would have some trouble with the bolt."
"The princess stayed silent as she studied the knight closely. After a brief moment, the princess sighed and attempted to calm down. "You're a lot shorter than I expected."
It was true: the knight was a rather short fellow. Reaching only four feet and eleven inches high, the man was barely taller than that of a dwarf. He was a scrawny fellow too: only weighing a little over 100 pounds. He was so small in fact that the princess towered above him as the two spoke.
"Yeah, yeah. I'm tiny. What about that guard. I didn't see anyone on my way over here."
"The guard sleeps in the room next door. It is odd though. Usually, he shows up by now with food."
Crash! The clatter of a metal tray falling upon the hard-stone floor caught the two's attention. The two turned to face a very confused hunchback standing in front of a mess of broken plates and spilled food.
"Guard look like that?" the knight asked as the hunchback pulled a large wooden club from the clip on his belt.
"Yeah," the princess sighed. "That's him."
"Well, all right," the knight chuckled as he drew his sword. "Let's do this Igor!"
The hunchback charged forward; his club raised high into the air. The knight jumped into action, shoving the princess aside just in time to intercept the hunchback's swing.
Twang! The sound of metal cracking echoed along the walls of the dark room. The hunchback lifted his club for another strike as the knight's broken blade fell to the floor.
"We're dead," the princess mumbled as she watched the knight narrowly dodge a blow from the wooden club.
"This isn't over yet," the knight assured the princess as he dove behind his assailant. The knight bounced forward and thrust his broken blade into the hunchback's elongated hunch.
The hunchback cried out in pain as it dropped its club to the ground and desperately tried to pull the sharp hilt from his back. The knight slowly walked over to his opponent's abandoned weapon and lifted it onto his shoulders as his foe danced about the room in agony.
"See," the knight winked at the princess as he slowly walked back over to the frantic hunchback and bopped him atop of the head with his own club. The hero turned to face the princess as the hunchback fell to the ground, knocked out cold by the blow. "That was easy."
The princess shook her head in disbelief at the strange spectacle she had witnessed. "How are you still alive?"
"Dunno," the knight answered. "Ask myself that question often though. Now, let's get you out of here."
The two-headed off towards the stairs before the princess stopped abruptly. "Just to be clear, you did take care of the dragon?"
"Aye," the knight replied. "He is about as dead as they get."
"How dead is dead?" The princess asked, her face filled with concern.
"Pretty dead," the knight replied. "Not much you can do with your heads chopped off."
"Oh no," the princess sighed.
"What? Do you guys have a problem with zombie dragons around here? Cause that would be new. Why do you ask?"
The castle rumbled as a loud screeching roar filled the fortress. "That's why," the princess hushed. "It's not dead."
"You know, I was joking about the whole zombie dragon thing. How does that even happen to begin with? You got some witch around here with a stick up her bum?"
"Not a zombie!" The princess screamed in annoyance. "Hydra!"
"Oh," the knight replied slowly as the words finally sunk in. "Whoops."
"Yeah, whoops!" the princess screamed. "How do you plan on to get out of here now?"
"Well, my steed is in the courtyard. We can cut through the kitchen and escape through the Larder the same way I came in. You can run, right?"
"Guess I'll have to," the princess sighed as she hiked up her dress.
"Good. This way." The two darted up the stairs and crept down the hall. They made it all the way to the dining hall before another screeching roar filled the fortress. "Hurry, the knight exclaimed as they bounded into the kitchen. It's coming!"
It was indeed headed their way; for at that moment a series of earth-shaking thumps followed the two through the castle. The knight rushed the princess into the larder and out the hole in the wall as the beast bounded through the kitchen.
"Where is your steed?" The princess cried out in fright.
"Right here," the knight replied as he rushed to his ass' side.
"That?" The princess sneered. "That isn't a steed! That is nothing more than a donkey!" She cried out as the knight rushed to untie the animal from the tree. "Why the hell did you tie it to a tree? Haven't you done this before?"
"Of course!" The knight replied as he undid the knot. "Didn't want the thing running off. The last thing I need is to lose my ass."
A loud screeching roar filled the air followed by a thundering crash as the dragon burst through the wall Its four heads searching for its prey.
"Time to go," the knight exclaimed as he jumped atop the ass. "Come on, princess. It's now or never." The knight held out his hand to the damsel and pulled her atop his ride. The dragon cried out once more before charging after its foe. With a swift kick, the knight pushed the ass into a gallop, throwing its two passengers back and forth with its uneven ride.
"Why is it missing a leg?" The princess called out over the loud thumping.
"Not sure," the knight replied. "Farmer said something about a mining incident."
"Of course, he did," the princess shook her head in bewilderment as she checked back to see how far behind their assailant was. "Can't you make this thing go any faster?"
"Not sure," the knight answered. It's missing a leg, remember?"
"Well, it will have to! The dragon is gaining on us!" With a giant roar, the monster confirmed the princess' statement. The knight kicked the ass into gear once more, propelling the beast through the gatehouse and barreling down the bridge. The dragon followed closely behind, throwing himself onto the bridge before raising all four heads back as it sucked in air.
"Faster!" the princess screamed as she watched the monster. "It's going to blow!"
Embers flew into the air as the dragon lowered its heads. With one last roar, fire exploded from the monster's mouth. The stream engulfed the bridge in flames as it shot out towards the galloping ass. The creature screamed in pain as fire licked its back-end, sending the ass faster down the overpass. The beast flew past the bridge and into the woods before throwing its passengers off its back as it sat upon its tail to extinguish the small flame.
The knight jumped to his feet laughing in excitement at his accomplishment. The princess stayed unmoved: laying face first in the dirt. The knight rushed to her side before he saw why. The princess's back was charred and black. He had failed.