The tavern was unusually quiet as the knight took his seat at the far corner of the room. The bar was relatively empty that afternoon, accommodating only a handful of customers. A large, burly man sat at the table opposite the knight, stroking his dark bushy beard as a thin waitress topped off his mug. Three hog-faced muglets sat in the middle of the room; snorting quietly as they devoured the basket of chips that sat between them. A mysterious cloaked figure sat in a dimly lit corner of the room, eyeing each of the occupants with his back to the wall. A group of five passive-aggressive gnomes sat at the bar, snickering quietly in judgment as an annoyed barkeep filled their pints.
Although the knight came here often, each of these faces was new to him. So, the man sat in silence as he sipped from his pint and kept to his thoughts. It wasn't long until the tavern's doors opened, shifting all eyes on the new traveler. He was a tall fellow, reaching barely under six feet high. He stood in front of the door, covered head-to-toe in ragged clothing.
"Vlad!" the tavern exploded as each person greeted their old friend.
"Aye, mates," the man acknowledged the crew as he made his way to the bar. "Make it two strong ones, brother," the man ordered before pulling down a dirty scarf to reveal his ghostly pale face. The pale man examined the room as he undid his coat. "Ralph's out back tending to the horses." The man pulled off his gloves and lowered his darkly tinted glasses as his eyes fell on the lone knight. "Well, I'll be damned! I didn't expect you to be back so soon," Vlad exclaimed as he made his way over to the knight.
"Well, here I am," the knight grumbled as Vlad struck the man's shoulder with his two heavy leather gloves.
"Aww, why the long face, brother," The pale man teased as he took a seat across from his depressed friend. "You didn't lose another one, did ya?"
The knight sat in silence as he swirled his pint with his finger. A broad grin spread across the pale man's face as he took the knight's silence as an answer.
"You did, didn't you!" the man howled in laughter. "Lord, you really are terrible at this. What is that, the third this week?"
"Second," the knight corrected from his gritted teeth.
"Aye?" the man chuckled. "How many this month, though? Let's see. There was the maiden of Fornost. Marauders decapitated her, correct?"
The knight continued to swirl his drink as his friend went on.
"Then the lady of Vinhere; she fell from the tower and broke her neck. Lady Marwere: eaten by wolves. Princess Penelope; lost in the woods of Dunmirk. Oh, and you can't forget about the maiden of Vermouth. Weren't you the one who did her in? Lobbed her head clean off. And Lady… Oh, what was her name? Maryweather!"
"Marywater," the knight corrected.
"Ah, yes. Marywater. Squashed by a giant if I recall correctly. We are going to have to keep you away from these damsels, mate. At this point, you are doing more harm than good. Workplace accidents are one thing, but this is coming across as more of a liability." Vlad watched as his friend continue to swirl his drink with his head low to the table. "It is good to see you, brother. Ralph will be ecstatic you are here."
At that exact moment, the tavern's doors slammed shut, shifting everyone's attention back towards the entrance. A small cloaked figure stood in front, heaving in anger with each breath. The figure flung his green cloak from his head to reveal the tiny furry face of a honey badger.
"Ralphie, mate!" Vlad called out to the badger. "There you are; was beginning to worry about you. Well, don't just stand there! Come! Pop a squat!"
The badger heaved one last breath of anger before stomping over to the table. He lifted his coat from his shoulders and draped it neatly over his chair. He had begun climbing up into his seat before Vlad interrupted him.
"Ralphie, mate. Considering you are already up and all… Would you mind getting our drinks?"
The badger stared at Vlad intently, its eyes filled with fire. He dropped from his seat slowly, his eyes never wavering.
"Bless you, brother. I appreciate it. They're over there at the bar. Go on. Don't dawdle." Vlad waited until the badger left before turning back to the knight. "Such a drama queen. I tell ya mate, there is no pleasing a badger."
The badger plucked the two pints from the barkeep's hands and waddled back to the table slowly; careful not to spill a single drop. The animal plunked the mugs onto the table and slid Vlad's drink to him before hoisting himself into his seat. A broad grin formed across his furry face as he raised his glass to his lips.
"Pfft," Vlad spat as he shoved his drink back onto the table. "You got hair in here Ralph!"
Ralph's eyes turned red as he stared at his comrade with rage. He lowered his glass from his lips slowly before shouting a string of unintelligible growls and hisses.
"Hey!" Vlad cried out. "There is no call for that kind of language! Just take the pint back and get a new one." The badger stared at the Vlad in silence as the pale man focused his attention back to the knight. "Now, where were…"
With a splash, Ralph flung his pint towards his friend, covering the man with mead. The badger howled in laughter as Vlad stared at the animal in disbelief.
"Mate, that is not a road you want to go down," Vlad explained slowly as he eyed the mischievous creature. There had better be a towel on this table and a pint in my hands in the next five minutes or you will be tied out there with the horses!"
The badger stopped laughing and lowered his head in shame. After a brief moment, he peeked a mischievous eye up towards the knight and winked before placing the empty pint in Vlad's hands.
Vlad's face turned red as he slammed the pint onto the table. "You better knock it off before I turn your ass into a hat, my friend!"
Both the knight and badger burst out in laughter as Vlad picked himself up from the table and left to find a towel. Ralph picked up both of the glasses from the table and headed giggling towards the bar. Vlad soon returned to his seat and sighed in annoyance at his giggling friend.
"One of these days I'm going to kill him," he explained to the knight. "Think I'll throw him in a stew."
The two friends shared one last chuckle as the badger waddled back to the table with two fresh pints in hand. The animal placed the drinks upon the table but waited until he climbed back into his seat before sliding Vlad his mug.
"Thanks, mate," Vlad sarcastically remarked as the two lifted their drinks and took a large gulp. "Now then, tell us what happened, brother. Did ya forget about the dragon?"
"No, I slew the dragon," the knight replied. "Or at least I thought I did."
"Thought you did?" Vlad asked as he placed his drink back upon the table. "How does someone think they slew a dragon? What did you do? Throw it off a cliff? You know, those wings aren't merely to look pretty. They use 'em to fly."
"No, I didn't throw it off a cliff."
Ralph lowered his drink from his lips before sputtering a string of light squeaks before releasing a rather loud belch.
"Ralphie's right," Vlad replied. "Was there a body? Did you check for a…" Vlad stopped talking as his face scrunched up from a foul odor that had made its way over the table. "Dear God, Ralph! What did you eat?"
The badger sat quietly with a large grin plastered across his face as he raised his glass back to his lips.
"Anyway," Vlad grumbled as he covered his nose. "Did you check for a pulse?"
"Didn't think I needed to," the knight replied. "Chopped both of the beast's heads off."
"Chopped its heads off?" Vlad looked at the knight puzzled as he contemplated the situation. "How was it not dead if the beast didn't have a head?"
"Well, it wasn't an ordinary dragon. No, the bloody bastard was a hydra."
"Yikes," Vlad sighed. "Lemme guess: ate the princess before you even made it out of the castle?"
"Oh, no. We made it out alright."
"You did? Well, that's great!" Vlad cried as he reached over and slapped his friend on the back. "What are you all depressed about then? You should be celebrating! Where is this princess of yours?"
"In a coffin on its way to Pilmuth."
A shocked look covered the pale man's face as he watched his broken friend lower his head back onto the table in shame. "But I thought you said the two of you got out okay?"
"We did," the knight mumbled. But so did the hydra. Chased us out onto the bridge before incinerating her entire backside."
"Ouch," Vlad flinched as he searched for the right words to cheer up his friend. The pale man turned to his badger comrade as the small animal made three light squeaks. "That's right!" He exclaimed as he turned back to his friend in excitement. "Time to turn that frown upside down! You've got another chance, brother."
"No, Vlad," the knight mumbled.
"Hear me out," Vlad replied as he jumped over to sit by his friend, throwing his arm around the knight's shoulder. "There's a princess."
"No, Vlad," the knight repeated as he raised his head from the table to give his pale friend a look of annoyance.
"No, no. Hear me out. There's a princess. Lovely princess. Rich princess. Princess of…" Vlad struck the table and looked to the badger as he tried to remember where the lady reigned from. The badger let out a sharp squeak in response. "Floringdale!" Vlad cried out with a snap of his fingers. "Princess of Floringdale. Anyways, this princess was kidnapped. Being held for ransom by some group of bandits."
"No, Vlad."
"Oh, come on!" the man nudged. "It's a simple job mate. You go in, free the princess and collect the reward. Bada-bing bada-boom: you're a hero. Easy peasy! No dragons or giants; just a couple of dumb bandits."
"No," the knight repeated once more.
"But, she's…"
"No!"
Vlad lowered his arm from the knight's shoulder and stared hard in disbelief. "No?"
"No," the knight reiterated.
Vlad continued to stare at his friend intently as he tried to understand. "No? What? Are you giving up?"
"Yup," the knight smugly replied as he took a sip from his cup.
"So, that's it? No more quests?"
"You said it yourself, Vlad. I'm just a liability."
"Brother… I didn't…" Vlad stared at the knight with concern as he fumbled for the right words. "You are seriously giving up?"
"Vlad it's time for me to move on. This line of work isn't for me."
"But what will you do?"
"Dunno," the knight replied. "Might try my luck as a farmhand."
"A farmhand?" Vlad asked puzzled. "Milking cows? Soiling the land? That kind of stuff?"
"That kind of stuff," the knight replied.
"Brother," Vlad laughed. "I just can't see it, mate. You? A farmhand?"
"Well, you'll have to," the knight said as he finished his pint.
"Aye," Vlad chuckled. "I guess I will. But why a farmhand?"
"There are no damsels in distress on farms," the knight winked as he rose from his seat. "It's about time I'm off, fellas."
"Well mate," Vlad replied as he stood up and patted the knight's shoulder. "Good luck. You'll make a fine farmhand."
The knight said his farewells before heading around back and untying his ass. The young man chuckled softly as he noticed the bare patch of rosy skin that stood out amongst the charred fur of the animal's back. "Time to move on," he muttered to himself before leading the beast out onto the road.
Our hero led the beast away from the tavern as he traveled forward without a destination. He figured he would continue to walk until he felt better and then from there, he would search for a farmer who needed a hand. So, the man and the beast continued down the road until the auburn rays of the setting sun reminded the young traveler it was time to make camp. The knight led the ass off the road and into the woods as they searched for a nice clearing that would do.
"I told you mate; the pot needs to boil before you throw in the food!"
The knight listened closely as the voices broke through the foliage. Deciding company would be nice on a night like tonight, he headed off towards the source of the voices.
"Gimme the spoon, you big buffoon! Make yourself useful and grab me some kindling. Rico, keep that girl quiet! The last thing we need is some curious… Did you hear that?"
"Hear what, boss?"
"Sounds like twigs snapping. You buggers made sure no one followed us, right?"
"Uhh, I dunno. I don't think I saw anybody."
"Would you shut up, you useless galoot! You're lucky you're big or I'd have ditched you back in Milwood! Now get out there and get that bloody kindling!"
The knight stopped right outside of the campsite, unsure if he should head back or intervene. Our hero stood there quietly as he listened from the shadows of the bushes. It was a small group, with four rough-looking men relaxing around a fire. A short bald bloke stood in front of a pot of water heating atop the fire, swinging a large spoon in the air as he screamed orders at the group. A tall, lanky man with long blonde hair laid sprawled out across a log, humming quietly as he picked the dirt from his nails with a long sharp knife. An average-sized chap sat hunched over outside a tent, a large hat covering his face as he tried to sleep. Another man sat upon a log opposite the blonde's, sharpening his sword with slow smooth strokes.
Thump! A large hand fell upon the knight's shoulder, startling the young man and spooking his ass.
"Gotcha!" The hand's owner cried out as it lifted the knight high into the air to obtain a more thorough look at his captured prize. The man was a large fellow, reaching ten feet high, just a hair shorter than the smallest trees that surrounded the group.
"Giant!" The knight cried out in alarm.
"Half-giant," the short bald bloke corrected as his crew came to see what the large man had caught. "Bill here is a half-breed, who is light on his feet. Nice job, you big galoot! Knew you were good for something!" Bill lowered the knight back to his feet for his captain to survey their new prisoner. The bald man-made his way over to the knight, jabbing him in the gut with his spoon as he studied him. "And who is this nosey wanderer doing eyeing our camp? We don't take kindly to nosey pests, do we, boys?"
The group cackled as they surrounded the knight. "What should we do with him?" the blonde man snickered.
"Think we should cut 'im up and throw 'im in the stew!" The man with the hat cried as he licked his lips.
The group fell silent as the short bald man scrunched up his face. "Eww," the snorted as he slowly turned towards his odd comrade. "Throw 'im in the stew," bald man mocked as he beat Rico in the head with his spoon. "The hell is wrong with you, Rico? I can't believe I'm saying this, but we DON'T EAT PEOPLE, Rico! This is not that kind of party! Get your ass over there and watch the girl before I hurl it in the fire and feed the wolves!" Rico lowered his head and walked leisurely off towards the tent as his bald commander returned his attention back to the knight. "Now then, what's a nosey little prick doing in these woods?"