He was the first person I have ever used the last name for my own and first wedding I set up because I had high hopes for him and I to last. The first time he kissed me we were playing hide n seek and we hid in a shed that was really clean. I wanted to loose my veganity to him then and there and didn't care but he couldn't read my thoughts and that day I really wish he could have. He only gave me a kiss on the cheek. The first time he came to my house I wanted him in my room and it didn't happen I only had gotten a kiss on the cheek and he left with my mother's son. I begged my mom's son to ask if he could get my boyfriend to stay the night and he asked our mother if his friend could stay. I was so happy when she said yes that he could but I had to hide it very well.
My boyfriend came over and was hanging out with my mother's son all day and I was waiting for nightfall to hit and so I can make my move and I wanted to be more then bold. While everyone was asleep I told him I needed to talk and it was a complete lie I took off my shirt and was going to walk towards him till my mother came bursting in the room and we both ended up in a hell of a lot of trouble. By the next Sunday he broke up with me again for a trashy girl who didn't deserve him at all every time he broke up with me was because of her. It made me mad and hurt and sad because he was the first person I had said I love you too and the first person who I had clung to. Throughout the years I had run in's with him and every time I would run away in tears. He was also the first boy that had mattered to me. He was also the first person I wanted to change for and stop my tom boy ways for.
I snapped out of the thoughts from my past by Keithstone's crying letting me know he was awake. I go in his room and change his diaper and put fresh clothes on him and then take him out to the kitchen to get him something to eat. I zone back into my thoughts as my son eats his food. I also think of the person who grabbed me up by my neck while being pregnant and the person who had raped me while being pregnant and then some granted its past but damn did it set me off like no tomorrow all I had felt then is pure rage and hate for them ass holes who had done me wrong. I killed them granted but it never stopped me from hating them rather I had killed them or not. Keithstone was getting fussy and he snapped me out of my thoughts again and tried to think of ways to distract myself so I decided that Keithstone and I would watch some T.V. and chill out. It didn't work for me but it did calm Keithstone down and all I could think about was past instead of the here and now. Bolivar is the one who chocked me when I was pregnant and treated me like trash and he told all his friends that I never do anything but Bitch. I know Demetrius and me wont last.
I don't know why I know that but I do know it and it seems like nothing sticks. Not just that but Demetrius hasn't really given me love or affection it feels like we are just going through the motions and we both just don't care. He always states that I will be the mom of his and our daughter seems weird right.
I just been so far out of it I haven't fed or wanted to and the blood lust hasn't even kicked in like I just don't want it and could careless. I have so much on my mind anymore everything is just hazy and nothing makes sense. Demetrius's family wants to meet me and my son at some point and time and I don't get why but that's on my mind as well. Keithstone fell asleep while we were watching a movie about birds and how colorful they can be. I put Keithstone back in his bed and tucked him in. I went outside to get some fresh air and to look up at the moon and stars in the dark night sky it relaxes me. Demetrius comes out to sit and talk with me and ask what's going on and if I am ok and if everything is alright and I do what I normally do I say everything is fine and tell myself everything will go well and nothing bad will happen.