After school was done, I met Eros on the roof, where I was surprised to see another person that had shown up as well.
"Why did you drag me up here Eros? I'm not interested in your sexual escapades."
"Oho, my wonderful Nyxy~, don't you know? I'm a Love Master, and I am here only as that."
It was Nyx, and she furrowed her eyebrows as she heard his words, sparkles flying around. "Huh, what's this about love? I don't really care for it to be honest."
As I walked towards the two, Eros took notice of me first. "Ah, my dear Deppy~! Purrfect~, we can now start!"
Nyx turned around and gave me a wry smile. "Ah, my fellow hater of nature and denizen of pessimism, how are you?"
I let out a similar smile. "Absolutely worse, but better." She gave me a small thumbs up in response.
"So, I assume that what you want to do with me has to do with Depra?"
He flicked his semi-long blondish-pink hair back, winking at us. "I'm here to teach you about the intricacies of love, my lost lambs~!"
"How exactly are you gonna do that?" Nyx asked, crossing her arms. "I doubt even you know everything about love Eros."
"I'm curious too. How are you going to teach us?" In truth, I was very curious on what he was going to make us do.
He let out a warm smile that sent Nyx and I's faces aflush. "Why, by telling all the ones you love what you love about them."
I blinked, watched as sparkles filled the air, and then blinked again.
"Huh?" I couldn't help but be dumbfounded by his words.
He let out a jovial laugh, and another smile that sent my face aflush appeared as he walked closer to me. "First, a list my dear Deppy~."
"A list?" I managed to stammer out, as he started to approach me, his caramel eyes luring me in.
"Yes, a list. Who you love, what type of love, and why you love them. Yes, a rather short list indeed," he purred, gently raising my chin with his hand.
"Quit it!" And suddenly the sparkles were gone as Eros got dragged away from me by Nyx, who was glaring at him with her white eyes.
"I believe he said before not to do that," she said curtly, tapping her foot, her arms crossed once more.
Eh? Why did I feel like that? "Wait, I am straight right? Right?" I looked both at them for clarification, and Nyx sighed.
"See, only you could make someone suddenly question their sexuality like that Eros."
"Oh, but Nyxy~! Have you seen him? He's so cute, I couldn't help myself again!"
"He lost all semblance of being cute a while back. No offense to you Depra, but you really do look like shit."
"Ah, yeah, I know," I said sheepishly, looking down at my ragged clothes and shoes. My greasy, unkempt hair didn't help either, it almost covering my eyes at this point.
I let out a sigh. "So, just a list? Is that really all?"
Eros nodded, his usual warm smile on his face. "Not just a list, my dear Deppy, but after you create it, you'll approach each person and tell them the reason why you love them so~!"
Ah, here was the catch. I have to tell everybody I love why I love them? "This is going to be really embarrassing," I murmured, my eyes gazing down at the floor, my ears starting warm up just thinking about doing this.
I could hear Nyx sigh as well. "So, that's all we have to do?"
"As much as I would love to have both of you enact confessing scenes to the ones you're romantically interested in, love goes at it's own pace." I looked back up at Eros, who was nodding to himself. "So, don't worry about Pandora, Depra, and you don't worry about Hemera, Nyx."
"H-hey! It's not like that!" Nyx scrunched up her lip, glaring at Eros.
"If you keep waiting, you may lose her someday," Eros said, his normal aloof expression gone, his caramel eyes locked into Nyx's.
"Gh!" Nyx's eyes widened, and she quickly looked away. "Whatever, let's just get this over with Depra."
"Oh course, I'll lead the way! Follow me~!" Eros said, practically skipping past me now, his former demeanor now completely gone.
We followed him in silence to an empty classroom, where there were two whiteboards available to use.
"Here, write the people you love first," Eros started, handing us two markers. "That's the hardest part for you two lost lambs~. Oh, make sure that they're easily accessible as well. After that, write what type of love it is, then the reasons why you love them. Oh, and we're not leaving until you two are done, so chop-chop~!" He clapped his hands as he said the last words, and I could only look down at the marker in disbelief.
How am I meant to do this? I walked to the nearest whiteboard, it looking as if it had just gotten cleaned off. What does love even feel like? I stared down at the black marker and let out a sigh.
"Honestly, when was the last time I felt love?"
I couldn't help but voicing out that ridiculous question. I guess I'll have to go back to my bases. My mom loved me, without a doubt. Okay, so how did that feel?
"Warm," I murmured, memories of her starting to come back to me. Yes, she was so incredibly warm, Kind, but always knew when to put me in line, constant hugs and teasing, and was always on my side, no matter how bad things got.
(But look how she ended up.)
I was snapped out of my reminiscing by the voice I loathed to hear. I sighed and shook my head, trying to block it out. Okay, so could that be a form of love then? Would that be what people call, Familial Love?
It was strange, but it felt right to call this feeling I had inside me Familial Love.
(All of that trust and love, and you betrayed her. She may have loved you, but can you truly say you loved her?)
I gritted my teeth, my nails starting to dig into my palms. What other love was there that I've felt? Before high school, what exactly was there? I decided to skip middle school, since that was basically hell on earth for me. Even if there was love during that time, I doubt I would remember it.
"So that just leaves…" Elementary school and below. It was strange to say this, but I really don't remember much of 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th, or 5th grade, strange as that may sound. I wonder why that is…!
"It would be better for me to forget! I can't, I can't do it anymore! I don't deserve such happiness when, when!"
Huh? I saw a girl with the hair of summer and soft blue eyes plead at me as I shouted these words. Wait, I shouted those words?
"Wait, what?" I said, my head starting to throb as I saw a group of kids behind her. But I couldn't make them out as the memory started to fade, and all that I was left with was a feeling I should've only had twice.
I collapsed to my knees, my head swimming as the memory and feeling faded away to confusion. What the hell was that?
"Dear Deppy, are you alright? Was it another incident?" I looked up at Eros, and my head throbbed in pain for the last time before disappearing.
"Uh, no, I don't think so." Ugh, I feel drained all of a sudden. I shook my head, letting out a sigh. "Sorry, I just got caught up in an odd memory."
"Oh~? What was odd about it?" I looked into his caramel eyes and frowned.
"I couldn't tell you, but it was very hazy," I said, taking his hand as he pulled me back to feet. "But I'm fine, really. I'll get back to work."
"Mm, okay then Deppy~! Remember not to get to lost in your past, alright?" I nodded, and he left, going back to sit in his chair, where it looked as if he was reading a romance novel.
I let out a huff of air, trying to refocus. "Okay, let's try that again. What's beyond that?" Beyond Elementary would be…
I gasped as I remembered the feeling from so long ago. The pictures from Lachesis' house had shown the three of us. While we may have been young, I remember a similar warmth flowing through me as the three of played together, and that warmth stayed when it turned to the two of us.
"Yeah, that would Friendly Love, I think." That was the word I used to describe my relationship, and it felt right.
I took the cap off my marker and wrote on the white board, putting two categories: one for Familial Love, and the other for Friend Love.
"So, now I just decided if anybody I know belongs in these categories, I guess?" I honestly had no clue if I was doing it right, and I was pretty sure I was missing categories, but I think it should work for now.
"I never knew this feeling stuff was so difficult," I grumbled, and I could hear Eros laughing behind me.
"If feelings were easy to comprehend, they would be simpler to handle, wouldn't they?"
I hate that he's right. I stared down at the marker in my hand, wondering what to do next.
"So, maybe I should try identifying these feelings with people I know, if there are any." I had a feeling that if anybody was going to be on this list, they would all be on the Friendly Love category, since, well, I'd rather not dwell on that.
I decided to list off the people in my head. "Okay, so I'll start with Hiro." When I think of him, what feeling comes to mind?
I closed my eyes and tried to have my feelings guide my hand, and when I opened it, I shocked myself with my answer.
"Okay, so one down, not that many left," I said, and I continued through this process until I reached Lachesis. My feelings were just about to guide me to Friend Love when my hand stopped, another powerful feeling surging forth.
Huh? What is this feeling? I could feel my heart hammering faster as I broke out in a cold sweat. I could feel my breathing getting steadily unraveled as the events of last year rushed through me, and a warmth that was similar to Familial and Friend love, yet different all the same, flowed through me temporarily, and then a dark, cold pain enveloped me, making it hard to breathe as the voice overpowered me.
(You have no one to blame but yourself.)
No, I…
(Are you still trying to make excuses? You should know better than that. After all, from beginning to end…)
No, please, not again!
(Everything, absolutely everything, is…)
I can't…
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I woke up on a bench, my surroundings considerably darker. I winced as I sat up, groaning as I heard some cracks resound within me.
"Oh, he's finally awake now." I looked towards the voice to see Nyx sitting in front of a whiteboard, a list complete. "We tried waking you, but it didn't work this time…"
"What time is it?" I asked, and Nyx frowned.
"Look outside," She said simply, and I did as I was told, walking towards the window.
It was completely night out now, and I could see the streetlamps on throughout the suburbs. I groaned, realizing what had happened.
"You were gone for 5 hours this time," she said casually, joining me by the window. "You really are trying to beat your record every time, aren't you?"
I couldn't even laugh at her joke. "Where's Eros?"
"He went to call Necessitas so she could pick us up in her car, since it's late an all. He said you should finish your list when you get home, and then we'll do the next phase of the plan tomorrow."
I nodded, biting my lip until it bled. "God-fucking-damnit!"
She didn't say anything, and we gazed out the window for a while in silence, until my I couldn't take it anymore.
I turned around and shoved desks and chairs out of my way as I made my way to the door, a feeling a frustration taking hold of me.
"Hey Depra!" I stopped as I reached the door, hearing Nyx's words.
"It'll be alright, you know that? No one spends all their life in the night forever, not even denizens like us. Please, don't give up on us yet."
I opened the door and walked out, slamming the door behind me. Damnit. "DAMNIT!" I roared out, slamming my fist on a nearby locker, my hand stinging with pain.
I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes, but never falling. "Is it really so wrong of me to change? IS IT WRONG OF ME TO HAVE HOPE GODDAMNIT!?" I slumped to my knees, shaking.
I can't give up, not yet. Not until I can prove that voice wrong. I got back up, my legs wobbling as I continued my way through the school. I can do this, I can do this, I can do this!
I really can, right?
I was suddenly met with Necessitas by the front of the school, who seemed to be talking on the phone.
"Yes, it's gotten worse, more so than we imagined. I honestly don't-" she cut herself off as she noticed me approaching. "I'll talk to you later, alright? 'Kay, bye."
"Who was that," I asked, and she let out a small smile.
"Someone who cares is all. Where's Nyx?"
"She's still upstairs. Where's Eros?"
"He's in the car, waiting." She sighed as she readjusted her glasses and hair. "Anyway, wait here and I'll grab Nyx real fast, alright?" I nodded, and then she was off, leaving me alone in a dark lobby.
Through the windows I could see the moon shining its light behind me, just barely missing me. It seems that even the moonlight doesn't want to touch me. I scratched my head, sighing.
"I'm so tired," I mumbled, making my way to a nearby bench. My body felt heavy, even more so than usual. I half-collapsed on the bench, letting out a sigh of relief. I could probably fall asleep here without much effort…
Before I could attempt it, I heard two sets of footsteps approach, and out came Nyx and Necessitas.
"Why didn't you just come with him?"
"He needed time alone Necessitas, and I wasn't about to stop him. Besides, the night looked lovely, so I decided to stick around for the view a while longer."
"Ugh," Necessitas groaned, rubbing her index finger and thumb across her brow. "I wonder where Depra is though. Maybe he went to the car already?"
"I'm right here," I said softly, and both girls turned to me, a brief look of shock passing over their faces.
"Oh, I didn't see you. Why are you in the dark?" Necessitas looked a little bit relieved as she relaxed.
"The moon said no to me today."
Nyx let out a brief laugh before recomposing herself. "Come on my dark denizen, let's go home already. I've already spent too much time in this hellhole."
I nodded before mumbling, "Sorry…"
"Eh, it happens. Sometimes we can't help ourselves, you know?" I nodded once more and followed them out the school, where Eros was sitting up front in Necessitas' car.
"Ah, my Dear Deppy~! Are you finally well?"
"I wouldn't say that, but I'm alright for now." I got into back and buckled my seatbelt, letting out another sigh.
"Has no one ever told you~?" Eros purred out, and I frowned in response.
"Told me what?"
"That every time you sigh, you lose a little bit of happiness?"
I let out another sigh. "If that's true, then I should have no happiness left in this life."
"Happiness, like love, always finds itself to those who seek it Depra, and you are no exception. You can seek whatever you wish, no matter how simple or trivial it may seem."
I wasn't able to respond to that, deciding to look out the window as the other two got into the car.
"I'm gonna drop Depra off first, if that's alright with the two of you."
"No problems here."
"Anything for my cute Deppy~!"
I spent the ride in silence, my emotions in utter turmoil after my incident. I simply spent my time watching streetlamps pass by, their light just barely unable to reach my face, leaving me in the cold darkness once more.
"Hey Depra, we're here." I nodded, not realizing we had already reached my house. "Oh, your stuff is in the truck, before you forget it," Necessitas added.
"Thank you," I said, and I unbuckled my seatbelt before getting out, walking to the trunk to grab my backpack. After grabbing it, I closed the trunk and walked back to the right side of the truck, where my house was.
"Hey Depra!" I stopped and glanced behind me, looking at Necessitas.
"Get some rest, alright?"
I waved her goodbye and walked into my house, kicking my shoes off near the front door before walking into my room.
Ah, I guess I have to finish my love stuff. I was about halfway done, so it shouldn't take me too much longer. I let out a loud yawn. Man am I tired.
I sat at my desk, turning on the nearby lamp. I grabbed a sheet of a paper from the drawer to my right along with a pencil, and wrote what I had on the whiteboard, or at least what I remembered anyway.
I got to Lachesis' name and paused, remembering what had happened before. I grit my teeth as made my choice about her and finished writing the rest of the people before yawning once more.
"Now the reasons," I murmured, my eyes starting to grow hazy from tiredness. "Let's hurry it up so I can sleep. Well, not that I'll get much rest tonight. Stupid nightmares."
I slowly worked my way through my list of names, my body growing heavier and my eyes hazier with every passing minute, until finally, I was finished.
I checked the time on my phone, it now being past midnight. I let out another sigh before scowling, Eros' words coming back to me. Damnit, now I won't be able to sigh without remembering that. Damn you.
I turned off the light before getting in bed, snuggling up to my stuffed bear, hoping she would take the nightmares away…
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Come with us Depra!
You deserve to be here with us!
It's your fault, so you know what to do!
I could feel myself getting dragged down, deeper into the cold abyss, the dark hands wrapping around me, taking pieces of myself I didn't even know I had. I managed to rip and arm free and tried to climb up, and I could hear a chorus of cackling below.
Drag him to the depths!
As if he deserves to be free!
Take him, let's take more and more until there's nothing left, and then let's take some more!
Drown down here with us!
Despite my efforts, it all proved meaningless in the end, and I continued my endless descent into the dark, cold abyss. There was no light down here, no warmth, and certainly no life.
Drowning in this place is all I deserve, never getting better, always spiraling down, until it finally consumes everything I have left, if there was anything at all.
but… hear…
A voice so faint, I dismissed it as nothing but my imagination. The only voices down here were theirs, and they were the ones who dragged me to my everlasting damnation, a punishment they chose for me; a slow, constant descent, never stopping, always happening, an inevitable end…
please…
That was my one and only fate…