If its only Tim, he would have brought Pam back to her apartment. There is no pressing matter that requires her to be in the project office now. Besides, the project has closed and the celebration on Friday is a reward to the project team for doing a good job.
Driving back to NextGen was like forever, no one was talking except for the soft music playing on background. Tim did not purposely keep his silence, there were so many things running on his head. He was occupied trying to understand the pieces of memories in mind about Pam, Lissy. Pam on the other hand do not know what to say. She was afraid to initiate small talk. Even if they had cleared some of the issues they had before, she still feels awkward and uncomfortable with Tim. She could not move naturally.
"Did you really think I am only playing with you before?" He could no longer contain. After the engagement break up with Lissy. He felt so down. He really thought it Lissy this time. He had the urge to seal everything with her. Something he cannot explain the reason why. The song playing on the background is 'Doin' Just Fine' of old popular American group, Boyz II Men. This probably influenced his mood to ask her the question.
'There was a time when I thought life was over and out
When you went away from me
My dying heart made it hard to breathe
Would sit in my room
Because I didn't want to have to go out
And see you walking by
One look and I'd break right down and cry
Now you say that you made a big mistake
Never meant to take your love away
But you can save your tired apologies
'Cause it may seem hard to believe,
I'm doin' just fine
Getting along very well
Without you in my life (I don't need you in my life)
I'm doin' just fine
Time made me stronger
You're no longer on my mind'
Pam was surprised with sudden question from Tim. Her palm started to sweat. It was difficult to answer the question.
Tim was about to say 'It's fine if you cannot give me an answer' when Pam said, "No."
He was confused with the answer, he wanted to ask in follow up why she left him then. Pam has dreamt of this situation before. Tim asking him angrily why she left him. It was an opportunity to honestly tell him why.
"I…I…" she let out a big sigh. "When I overheard you talk say like I was your fu…" She could not bear to say it even now. "It just validated what I think I stand in our relationship."
"So, you really think I am treating you like a fucking toy? Then your answer should be Yes" He was irritated but he tried to lower his voice to avoid any tension.
"Does it still matter to you Tim?" She is ready to say it but she also wanted to know why it matters to him.
Tim tightened his grip on the steering wheel. His expression gloomier. He did not answer for fear of saying something harsh. Will he search for her if it doesn't matter? Sometimes it's really hard to figure out how women's brain works.
Pam side glanced at Tim. She could tell in his facial expression he is upset. Ever since they met after 7 years, she can clearly see hatred in his eyes. It was not entirely her fault. Pam had to courage to say, "You can't blame me for thinking that way. Those words came directly from your mouth. "
Her hands began to tremble while holding her bag on her lap. She started to feel emotional and tears are threatening to fall.
With hoarse voice she continued, "What is so special about me. Nothing really. I was just living day by day thinking if we would still be together the next day." The scene at Tim's apartment flashed in her mind. Tim along with Mark and his other friends were having beer, they were laughing. That moment when she almost entered the kitchen was when the topic shifted to their relationship. That is when she heard Tim referred to her as his fucking toy.
"When I heard it, I became muddle-headed. Those words crushed the confidence that took me months to build. It was surreal for me to deserve your attention. It made me think you can easily dump me one day."
Pam bowed her head. Tears started to fall. She tried so hard not to make a sound. Part of the reason why she left is to avoid being pitiful. Even is she lacks the confidence; she cannot be begging for mercy or be pitiful in front of anyone…especially Tim.
Tim only never thought of this side of Pam. Hearing this caused tiny needle piercing pain in his heart. 'She was never confident about herself.' She did think she was not worthy of him however to Tim; she was the girl that came to him changing how he wanted to be in a relationship. Tim saw how Pam looked like as he glances the right-side mirror. His heart raced. They were about to enter the basement parking.
Tim parked his car and Pam is still in the same position. She did not show any sign of moving. Tim extended his arms and reached to Pam from the driver seat. He hugged her from the side. "I'm sorry I made you cry again." He realized that Pam was silently crying.
After hearing this, Pam started to sob. 'Sorry I made you cry again.' She felt the genuineness of the apology. It touched her heart. The sobbing became louder. She could not contain her emotions anymore as if a part of her broken heart has been healed.
"I did not know you felt that way before. You are never less than any other girl Pam. I am just a guy who fell in love with you." Even now he can recall that feeling. "It has nothing to do with having something special in you. I fell in love with who you are. "
They remained in the same position for quite some time. Pam pushed Tim to free herself up from the hug. She could not afford to miss this hug anymore. Everything about them is all in the past. Today, she is happy that she is able to tell him the insecurity that she has been hiding. She will be able to leave him once more with a lighter heart.