I inhale sharply. It's strange. When we are trying hard to remember something, we wouldn't remember it. But his name came to me when I least expected it. Baek Joon-Woo. I don't why I forgot that name.
"That's not the only name you forgot." The devil jumps off the couch and walks to Eli, rubbing his head on Eli's knee. Who else did I forget? Why is this cat attached to Eli?
"Get away from him." I don't care if Eli finds me strange, but I don't like this cat marking Eli that way. "In this instant."
"What?" Eli looks at me, confused. "Is something here?"
"It's a cat." I wave my hand. "Don't worry. It's a figment of my imagination."
He gives me an understanding nod, not speaking further. I appreciate that he is not looking at me as if I lost my head. That's quite sensible of him. However, the cat is annoying me today.
"You are acting strange." The devil climbs on Eli's shoulder. "If you act like this in front of your husband, you might scare him away."
"Fuck yourself!" I don't like this at all. "Why are you doing this? Get down from his shoulder."
"I will do whatever I want." The devil puts his head above Eli's head. "His hair smells good."
Hair smells good? Why is that cat smelling his hair when I can't do it? I can't even kill this cat. I am annoyed. Eli is watching me like a lost puppy. I don't know why I want to give him a hug. Maybe because I need a hug.
Though I remember the name, I don't feel anything. It's the name of the boy who betrayed me. Why should I feel upset for someone like him?
But I am a little upset. Not much. It feels like someone has placed a huge boulder on my chest. It's a little suffocating, but it's bearable.
"Do you want to smell his hair?" The Devil asks me.
I guess I do. "Doctor Sanguine, come here."
"You are only distracting yourself though." The Devil laughs. "You don't want to bother with the gaps in your memories."
What's the point of digging the past? I won't change my mind about dying. I am not curious about the past. There's nothing in it.
"He betrayed you, but why did he betray you?" The Devil asks me seriously. "Do you still believe that he betrayed you because he wanted to live?"
He wrote that in the letter before he hanged himself in the classroom. They buried his body before I woke up. My mother kept apologizing to me. I didn't understand why. I didn't understand what was going on. Suddenly, my two friends were found dead and others were missing. I was in the hospital. I was told that we were involved in an incident. Everyone except for Baek Joon-Woo went through something horrible.
Their parents kept visiting me. They kept crying and asked me to remember. I couldn't remember. I didn't want to remember. Whenever I tried to remember, I heard their horrible screams. I heard myself begging and screaming for them to stop. Then, I heard cruel laughter.
"Who was laughing at you, Nell?" I hear the Devil's voice in my head. "Who do you owe? Why must I ask these questions instead of you?"
I cover my ears. I don't want to remember. I can't forgive myself.
"You say that you can't forgive yourself, but you don't even know why." The devil shakes his head. "In your place, I must remember it. Though I am also you, we are stuck because you don't have the courage to live or die."
"What's wrong, Nell?" Eli puts his palms on my cheeks. "Why are you turning pale?"
"Which shampoo do you use?" I ask him quietly. "Your hair… your hair smells good."
"I used the same one you used." When I stare at him, he smiles at me. "I didn't bring my things. So, I used your stuff before I left the house yesterday."
"You are distracting yourself." The devil sighs. "Perhaps, it's better this way. The castle of lies is already broken. The spell is also breaking. Still, you would rather die than collapse. I told you that things would become worse. Can you bear it for a month?"
I close my eyes, feeling tired. I feel his arms around me. He pats my head lightly. He doesn't question me once.
How long has it been since I have been hugged like this? I guess what I have been missing was human's warmth. His scent is calming. I am not in love with this person. I won't change my mind about dying. But I wonder if I will miss this warmth after my death.
"If afterlife exists," The devil grumbles. "You will probably meet them again. I wonder if you have the strength to face them after your death when you can't do it when you are still alive."
For the first time, I am afraid of death. "Eli, do you think that afterlife exists?"
***
"Do you want it to exist?" Her body is trembling in his arms. She's been acting strangely since the moment she uttered that name.
"Go." She pulls away from her. "Thirty minutes are over."
Can he leave her here like this? "Are you going to be okay?"
"I will sleep it off." She climbs on the couch. Her movements are sluggish. She lies down and looks at him weakly. "Don't wake me up."
"I won't." He covers his eyes. "I will leave when you fall asleep."
"I won't remember him when I wake up." Her voice trails off. "I am sorry for everything."
Him?
"Was Baek Joon-Woo… the boy you loved?" Eli asks her hesitantly. Only silence answers him.