The undeniable tension persisted until I entered the room followed by Sita behind me. She insisted on washing my shirt herself. I allowed my insecurities to get freed for a moment and also let myself loose around her. You know it, the difference in the mood created by the person you are comfortable with. The breakpoint makes it so visible to your naked eyes, but the very thing made me very anxious around her. I had so many things going on right at that moment. I imagined various stuff like what if she misunderstood my actions and what if I misled her to believe that I wanted to reciprocate her feelings which I had come to know recently.
Regardless, I couldn't treat her any different than before I became aware of her feelings. It was no excuse to avoid a person. At the very least, it was unsettling to the wires working inside my head. When she cried for me, when she smiled at me and when she did whatever she did for me, and to me was so unsettling. 'Am I supposed to do this?', I asked myself a million times.
When I stopped walking in the middle of my room, I felt her bumping into my back while watching a funny story her friend had sent her. 'What was that?', the sharp pain, the feeling of unfurling a kind of warmth around the chest area. 'I should not! I should not!', I chanted inside and turned to find the goofy smile on her face and the pair of eyes squinting. My mind went blank, I was not thinking rationally. Maybe, I was not letting the fear of falling out of love to conceal what actually was there, a niche for Sita.
My hands moved to her cheeks, they were soft, I knew she was never a fan of cosmetics, but she tried to put on some that day. I saw her expression changing from a goofy smile to a seriously confused pained face. Her eyes rolled down to glance at the thumbs stroking against her cheeks, she reached my wrist and spelt out my name, "Prakash…", it was almost a whisper. "Hmm?", I took a step ahead towards her, the girl whose eyes were expecting me to say something.
My voice failed, I felt the weak sound my voice made, "I am not sure—if this is how you feel every time you see me-", she stepped in this time softly shivering, I could feel the blood rushing throughout her face and then the space between us was closed as my forehead met hers leisurely letting each other feel the hot blood flowing on our face and as we inhaled each other's breath while our eyes were closed to let the moment sink deep in our hearts.
How could that be so comfortable like home? 'Is it a dream, like yesterday?', I opened my eyes to check if I was really doing this. I saw her going out of breath with her eyes closed not so tightly but so cosily. She looked so cute which was unlike her, I had thought of anything about her but cute, until then. I took a deep breath and heard myself saying, "This is driving me crazy—", she opened her eyes cluelessly and uttered my mind, "This must be a dream…"
"This is frustrating…", I took a restless breath and our nose played as they softly meet she let them flirt for a while. The lights were off, it was a winter night but we were shivering for a different reason. I couldn't stand still anymore, my legs took turns to support me, her legs followed mine in no time and we giggled for a second. "I can't…"
"Hmm?", she softly whispered again.
I let go of her the next second and she was standing there wearing that sad expression that broke my heart. But, "You will be hurt—"
She was there listening to me without a word with her lips pursed.
"Aren't we good here? Like we used to be?"
She crossed her hands against her chest, "We will be good like...you know what?", she gulped down whatever amount of pain her throat held behind to say, "I can't force you…"
"I already crossed the line—the night I kissed you—and then now—you did it too—didn't you?"
"But—", I looked down my hands rubbing and the terrified face of Ashmit crossed my mind at that moment, Sita could get terrified at my name if anything went wrong. She stepped towards me and held my pinky finger and asked, "But?"
"You and I...If anything goes wrong—"
"I don't know what Reema did but not every relation fails…"
"It is not certain that we will not fail as well… I am afraid… I can't let myself break you…", I took the hand holding my pinky in my hand, maybe I shouldn't have. I saw how my words shot pain to her heart as she squeezed my hand and every squeeze felt as if she was asking me not to say whatever I was saying.
"I know, then again...what I feel right now…", she locked eyes with me, "matters the most...", she completed.
Once again she closed the space between us, but this time, she was firmly intending to face me straight without hesitating and wasting any more time. That was the Sita I knew, direct, fearless and so determined. She already realised by then what I was so confused about. My vulnerabilities and insecurities.
"Prakash! We could be different...in a good way…"
I was jealous of her assuredness, I wanted to have that for a moment, no I wanted that for life. I believed in her words, I always did but that night was different. I took her in my arms without any delay, I did it yesterday too which was in relief but at that moment, what we had was a happy one. With the contagious assuredness of hers I could only say this, "Can I?", I rubbed her nose with mine. She laughed and nodded, with her eyes fixed on mine. I kissed her lower lip and parted, we laughed and once again I did while she kissed me back, with no height difference, it felt so painless and cozy.
After parting, we laughed looking at each other, "Your beard hurts…", she complained.