#11th June 2007#
🔴It hurts.... but she likes it... Am I also supposed to be happy...? It hurts... My body hurts... so badly... I woke up with marks on my legs...I'm sorry... I did something bad... that's why... Mahiru is hurting me... When she comes back tonight... I'll apologise.. Then maybe she'll stop... I SWEAR!🔴
Stop... please! Ha!
Ha!
Ha!
Isn't this fun?!
NO! Stop!
Huh?
I swear down... I'll KILL YOU!!
Why did you commit suicide?!! I deserved to KILL YOU!! LET ME DO IT! Please! I want to kill you!!
I want to rip your limbs apart and drain your blood into a pool! I'll delightfully bathe in it!! Then... I'll stab your eyes! Cut your tongue! And chop your head off! I'll hang it on the world's tallest building!
So that everyone can see your disgusting face...! That's how I will kill you!!!---... I swear!!
"But... Don't you love me?..."
****
Mitsuru awoke from this terrible nightmare; a series of events that still traumatised him since childhood. Sweat drooling down his face... He inhaled and exhaled big amounts of air, calming his heart down...
Yet, he felt an urge... to do something... disgusting.... He desired it again... The same thing she did to him..
Mitsuru slammed his head on his pillow and groaned.
After finishing what he desired to do... he went into the bathroom and took a shower to clean himself.
*SAYURI SCHREIBER *
"Sayuri!... Are you ready for the trip?" I turned around as Mr Shintaru waved and ran towards me.
It felt like forever since I've seen or heard Mr Shintaru, Eversince what happened to Miss Hinami. He became very distant...
"Yes...Why?" I asked casually.
"Have you made sure that Mitsuru is going or not?" He asked while exasperating.
"I was just going to make sure of that now." He seemed to be in quite a rush.
"Good. Just on case he doesn't want to go, could you stay here with him?...Please."
I looked disappointed. I was really looking forward for this trip... Especially now that I could go with Yusari and Maehara.
"The thing is," He continued. "You can keep Mitsuru calm and you can take care of his condition. Please! I'll make it up to you, I promise!"
"Sure, I'll check with him first."
"Let me straightaway!" He ran off into the crowd.
I guess Shintaru has alot to deal with during this trip. I just hope that Mitsuru will come too.
I knocked on Mitsuru's door but I heard, "Argh!" A groan and some paper being torn apart. I tried to open the door but it felt stiff... I didn't assume that it was locked, but then I pushed so hard that it swung open.
Before me, there was scattered pieces of paper. Mitsuru stood infront of the dressing table, bending over and glaring at his reflection. I knew exactly what he was going to do, he lifted his fist up and swung it toward the mirror but before it shattered. "Mitsuru!" I restrained his arm but he pushed me away with a menacing yell, "Don't!... Touch me...!"
That's when I noticed, after I fell to the ground, that his arms... Are covered in blood! I looked down at my hand, my palm felt wet, his blood was seamed through the creases of my hand. I couldn't believe that I grabbed him with so much force that, there was blood on me.
"...Mitsuru... what happened?" I looked at the state of the room, as I stood up.
The curtains were closed, drops of blood were splattered on his bed sheets. There were also pieces of paper scattered around the dressing table.
Mitsuru gave me no reply. He looked down, his hands gripping onto his hair, as he covered his eyes with his palms. I found a small piece of paper, that I had between my fingers. I didn't remember if I picked it up by accident. There was writing on it, written with dark red ink. I smuggled it in my pocket.
"Hey... you need your medication, then hopefully you'll calm down..." I reached for the drawer, which had his pills in it. But Mitsuru grabbed my arm, tightly.
"I'LL KILL YOU!!!" He tightened his grip around my thin wrist. I filched but remained silent. He thought that I was going to grab his diary, it was opened and readable.
I was able to read two words in Japanese, which was 私オファック
I didn't understand what it meant... and that's something I need to find out. Mitsuru finally released his grip, but I instantly smelt a stich of wholesome blood. His whole arm, drenched in blood. The crimson liquid dripped down his arm to his fingertips. Mitsuru's posture became lineant and unstable.
His face was pale as paper and his eyes drooped down heavily. He suddenly, lost balcnce and fainted. Fortunately, he didn't fall to the ground, because I immediately grabbed him by his sides and slowly lifted him up and down to his bed.
I needed bandages quickly. I needed to patch him up as my next course of action. I was able to find some fresh bandages from the bathroom. After I fixed his arms, I leaned in, towards his chest to calculate his pulse.
He was breathing slowly but as I was checking his heart beat... my own heart started beating rapidly! What is this?! Now is not the time to be so hormonal!
I tried to erase that out of my mind, and think of what I should do with this piece of paper. I need to find out its meaning... As I walked passed the dressing room, I saw his diary, sitting there.
I was curious to find some answers about this, so I opened up a random page and there it wrote...
"LET'S F*CK!! You always say that to me
Mahiru! So this time, I'll kill you!!
Won't that be fun?!"
I was frightened as I stepped back. Why would he write something like that?! He wants to kill his own sister?!... No... he wanted to.. since Mahiru is already dead.
So many questions were flooding my head! Did he actually do that?! Having $eX with his sister?! The thought of it... made me feel sick... I felt so disgusted!
I ran through the corridor, to find out what those words meant! I entered into the girls empty dorm room, I browsed the words on my phone... it said... "F*ck me.."
I couldn't believe my eyes! Mitsuru's greatest secret... was that... he was raped by his older sister... Mahiru! But what reason did she have to kill herself?! If he wanted to kill her so badly... could it be... that he actually killed her...?..
No...
It can't be...
This is what happened on his birthday, that traumatised him! Why?!
I knew Mitsuru had suffered alot in the past!... But I didn't expect this!
I looked up at the ceiling and for some reason... I had flashbacks of my time in Germany...
***
23/12/2009
Dear Diary,
Today I went by at the lake and I met Charlotte. She was sitting by the, now, frozen lake, sitting under the snowflakes. I look up to her, she is so very nice. I asked her what she was doing there, she told me that was waiting... 'Awaiting for love' is what she said. She told me that Louise was coming. I was so excited! I love it when Louise comes to our village, it's so much fun playing with him.
Charlotte told me to keep her love a secret because if the old master priest found out then we will never see Louise again!
****
"Ameelia!... It's cold, sweetheart. Come inside!"
"Ok! Mother!" The little girl turned around and gushed herself through the thick snow. Her cozy jacket stuffs her warmth making her face glow.
In Germany, in a village called Dinkelsbul. A little cottage, buried underneath the snow, it had a chimney where smoke floated out of. In that cottage, a family of three lived. It looked like a happy family... But happiness can be destroyed easily.
"Mama..." Little Ameelia said, while her mother, Misato, was brushing her silky short blonde hair.
"Yes, my dear." Her mother said lovingly with a sweet smile.
"What does love mean?" Ameelia asked curiously, however her mother looked down at her with a serious reaction.
"Why are you asking?"
"Charlotte said something about 'awaiting love...' I know what love means... but I don't understand what she meant."
Her mother finished with her hair and gestured Ameelia to turn around by tapping her shoulder. Ameelia looked at her mother with asking waiting round cute little smile.
"Sayuri... This is the name I gave you once you were born. It's a Japanese name and it means 'small lily'." Her mother looked upon a flower, sitting in a vase.
"That's a lily!" She exclaimed.
"That's right. It's such a beautiful flower... However, in this village, we mustn't mention things such as love. Or else we will be-"
"Punished." Ameelia looked saddened. Her mother looked at her with sympathy.
"That's right... not everything in this world is fair... You understand... Don't you? Sayuri..."
****
24/12/2009
Mama and papa were shouting last night, I felt very scared but I didn't understand why they were fighting so much.
****
The little one woke up in the morning, tired and cold, from the hard slumber of the previous night. Ameelia got up and went downstairs but froze to that horrible sight... The stench of that scent made it unbearable to breathe. Crimson red blood, flowed out of her body, like a lake surrounding it's territory.
Ameelia's mother's body laid silent on the ground, lifeless. The little girl looked terrified at the dead body, tears fell from her eyes. She wondered, "Mama didn't do anything bad... Why has she been punished?..."
Searching for a reasonable answer, above her, her father arrived at the height of the stairs, looking down at her. The shadow of her father darkened Ameelia's sight, she looked up at him. His face seemed terrifying, because he had no expression, tired eyes and his daring reaction of being caught red handed.
Ameelia was petrified, unsure of what to do or what to say... She was ultimately, dragged by her father, down the stairs and walked over the body to the entrance of the basement. Her father opened the door and forcefully threw her in, locking the door after her....
Without saying another word...
*SAYURI SCHREIBER *
I don't understand why it happened... Why didn't I say anything?... Why didn't I act fast?...
Once you make a mistake, there is no place to repent... I regretted opening my mouth and revealing the secret that Charlotte told me to keep... but I was naive and a curious little brat!
I know I haven't changed... I'm still that stupid kid,.. Who doesn't know what to do?... Even now! I can't mention what I know to Mitsuru! Also, I can't stay quiet and pretend like I don't know anything! Why?!...
Why can't I change?! I'm a stupid naive girl, who is useless! I've always been this way!
I can't help Mitsuru with his past, if I can't get over mine!... Really?... what's wrong with me?... Do I really believe that I could go to a different country just to run away from my real self?!
Pulling on an act, that I'm a happy, cheerful and 'good' person! I'm not!
I don't care about people! I don't care about the consequences! I've killed people! Stabbed! Murdered! Burnt!... Did you really think that I thought about the consequences before killing?....
No... Killing doesn't allow you to do that... You're left in a trance... a dangerous one... and there's no escape... Except...
...Death...
I will die! With blood on my hands!
My mind wants to die... While my body wants to wash these stains...
I bent down crying, I felt a heavy tug in my chest. I laid down on the floor, I closed my eyes... wishing to die...
To be continued. . .