🔸25TH APRIL 2007🔸
🔴It's 1:30 am. I can't go to sleep. Mahiru and mom are still fighting. I'm trying to understand what they are talking about, but I still don't get it... Mahiru doesn't like conflict...She never does it...But I know...they're talking about dad....He left us when..I was three. .Mom ws nice to me back then but.. I wish I could remember those times..🔴
✴"NEVER TALK TO ME LIKE THAT AGAIN!!!" "I F**KING HATE YOU!!" Their screams over lapped each other. Mahiru enters her room and smacks the door shut. "Argh! !" She screams in frustration, holding her hair from the scalp. Mitsuru was by the window, writing in his diary by using the moonlight to guide his way, he looked at Mahiru with his face dripping with endless tears.
"Mitsuru. ..what are you doing, awake?." She asked with a worried expression. Mitsuru didn't have the words to explain his sadness and fear. "I.." " You couldn't sleep... could you? .." Mahiru exhaled a long sigh.."I wish we could go back to those days..." She says as she looks at a 'happy' family drawing that Mitsuru put up on the wall. She stroked her finger against it then sat down with her brother on the bed. " You're lucky, Mitsuru... You look alot like dad.." Mitsuru held his breath as Mahiru wiped his tears. "Unlike me...I look alot like that old-ass bitch! She's such a slut! Drinking her life away! It's not like he's coming back!! " Her voice of rage frightened Mitsuru as he continues to whimper. "I'm sorry... I'm just angry...I'll try my best... I'll work and save up money....so that we can run away and live on our own..but she keeps stealing my money, no matter where I hide it.."
"Is that why you were fighting? .." Mitsuru asked, his eyes full with innocence. "Yes I'm sorry.." She brings her face closer to his. " I promise.. I'll work hard... And I'll make sure to give you a happy life..."
"...No matter what happens to me..." ✴
🔵 Mahiru said that she'll give me a happy life! I can't wait! I love my big sister so much! I don't know what I would do without her!🔵
🔴MITSURU FUKUYAMA🔴
Die... Just die... I stare down, looking at loose pieces of paper..scribbled in red ink... My mind is unravelling... My hair is in a mess.. I forced myself to sleep and forget about it.. But I can't. .I occasionally have teachers and pupils knocking on my door telling me to get out but I won't. .
I take a sip of the can of beer I have next to me.., How did I manage to sneak it in a boarding school?.. It's simple, disguise the can...
All I do is sigh..sleep...and drink...I've been drinking on beer for two days..I haven't eaten since....
I look back on tragic memories because they're are the only ones I have...Then I remember that girl...On that rainy day...The smile she gave me.. The day I ran a marathon... All of that. ..Was because of her... that girl surprises me... You never know what she might say next..
But why am I thinking about her?! She's just a pain in the ass!..None of them...that guy,..that girl...
None of them are my friends...!
KNOCK knock knock
Three knocks in a row...Perfect reason to ignore...
"HEY! You in there? !"- Guy
"Of course he's in there! He hasn't stepped out since!"- girl
"Um..Mitsuru-kun can you come out?.." -bitch
I knew none of them were my friends but I didn't know they were all stupid! They're talking to a freaking door!
"Hey! We're going to karaoke today! wanna come?"-guy
"Don't ask politely! Tell him!" -girl
"...Come out and have some fun with us.!" -bitch
I refuse to think or speak. I sat there silently. And I'm pretty good at it, you idiot's should try it sometime. I'm sure half of the population would applaud you if you did!
"...I don't think he'll come. .." It was the bitch, and she sounded disappointed but I honestly don't care.
"Why?! Sayuri! Why are you losing hope now?! You're the most positive one!" It's that girl that I've only met once, No clue who she is.
"It's just that...I know what kind of person he is.. " No you don't. .Don't even pretend that you do...
"He just wants to be alone..." That's not true at all...! I just want to split myself from my mind. ..that's why I isolate myself..
"Well, who cares?! im just concerned if he's even alive in there!" Shut up!..You're not concerned! None of you are!
"He hasn't eaten for 2 days!" It's not like you tried to help! HOW CAN YOU CARE IF YOU'RE EATING FOOD WHILE KNOWING THAT SOMEONE IS STARVING THEMSELVES BECAUSE THEY'RE SICK AND JUST WANTS TO DIE??!!!
I can't take this bullshit! My head is pounding! It's killing! INSIDE AND OUT! I scrunch the paper in my hand and start chewing the damn thing! "ARGH!" I spat it all out and tried to control myself by biting the sides of my palm!...Yes I'm hungry! So what?! NOBODY CARES!!
BANG!
"MITSURU!! OPEN THE DAMN DOOR!! I WANNA SEE WITH MY OWN EYES IF YOU'RE ALRIGHT!!!" It was that girl again...The one who told me that I shouldn't stand hopelessly in life....how ironic?...Now, I just want to disappear..
"...ha...ha.." So what if you see me... You will look at me...and think that I'm fine..when I'm not..Then you'll walk off....leaving me alone in the darkness...
"Calm down, Sayuri!"
"..ha..ha..ha.. SHUT UP!" She pants at the other side of the door. "Open it!" I finally gave in... I really don't want anything to do with you.. What took you so long?..To make me finally give up...
I opened the door..I looked at her determined eyes but it was too late.. She won me over...I wished I looked away sooner...but the moment I did..I felt dizzy....
"Mitsuru...Are you ok?.."
"Sayuri!.."
"Wacth out!"
Everything went black.
"He has a high fever..." A nurse said as I opened my eyes half way. I closed them again.
"I'll go, get him food!" I opened them again and saw that guy, with ginger hair running...then closed them..
"Could you please?" The nurse asked someone to maybe, do something for her.
"I'll go!" The girl that was with Maehara, yesterday, volenteered to go and and do it.
My eyes remained shut for a while, but since there was silence in the room, I opened them... That's when my eyes widen, I was shocked to see her,looking at me patiently... Her ocean blue eyes... I felt a spark..that spark made made me rapidly swing up..
"Don't get up so quickly!" Sayuri placed her hand on my forehead. "You still have a temperature!" I tried to ignored her but I couldn't take my eyes off her...But why? I'm just staring at her with no reason at all.
"Hey! Are you ok?" "No!" I unintentionally spoke loudly.
"What is it?...Why are you staring at me?.."
"Huh?!" I immediately looked away. "I just...can't control my eyes...sorry.." It was a stupid excuse but I am surprised how well she's handling a guy staring at her for this long..!
"Uh...ok.."
My head starts to throb. Damn! My headache isn't gone yet?! My eyes hurt and I'm starving! "Here!" She's holding a glass of water and begins to shove it in my face. "Drink it!" She won't stop, so without hesitation ; "Ok!"
I look at her, in annoyance because her face looks too serious. I take the glass and gulp it all down annoyance once then return it back to her. "Are you still hungry?.." What kind of stupid question is that?!
"Of course I am! " I wanted to be angry.
"Maehara is getting it for you.." She replied bluntly, I was shocked to see her so calm and collected after I threw my tantrum at her. It was disrespectful.
"Just be patient..." She said smiling...Sayuri..said smiling...
I continued to stare at her for some more...I don't know why?.. But there's something in her eyes that makes me feel...alive...It was the most beautiful feeling...
....Feeling alive when all your life you were dieing....
"Can't control your eyes, huh?" Even though I've been staring at her this whole time, I had no idea that she looking at me too!
"Uh!...I'm. ..Yeah..." She simply giggled.
"Got it!" Maehara storms in with a tray full of delicious, mouth watering food!
"I'm got the wet cloth! " Yusari stating running behind him, it like she achieved something gold!
"Hey! You're awake!" Of course I am.. especially the way you came in..anyone would be bound to be awake by now..
"That's great! "
"Here! Eat up! " Maehara forcefully placed the hot tray on my lap and it made me jump. "Here you go! " Yusari also put a cold wet cloth on my forehead....I'm surrounded by many people and are they...taking care of me?..No..it can't be..
"Come on! Eat up!...After you've eaten then we can go karaoke together! .." Yusari exclaimed in happiness. ..
....So, they're just doing this so that I can join them, in having a good time..?...Are they doing this so that they can use me and waste my time for their pleasure.?....I honestly don't know...when it comes to humans...ic really don't know if they're good people or bad people? ...
All I know is that they'll just push you around, and it pissess me off!
I don't know what to do...Should I trust them?..But trust is a cruel choice..Because it hurts when you don't trust them...You're left all alone....and it hurts when you don't trust...Because you're left all alone by the people you once called 'friends'....
I sat back and put the cloth on my eyes..."Hey....Why aren't you eating?..." Yusari asks in a soft voice.
"Hey! What's wrong with you?!"
"DO YOU EXPECT ME TO KNOW THE ANSWER??!!" I hate that question...I just had to scream my thoughts out loud. Don't act as if you know! Stop asking questions that have no answers!
I let out a big sigh...
"Please....get out...I don't feel like eating..." I know. .I hurt them..especially after everything they did for me...but I'm fine..alone. . I know that they will leave. ..Because when people see this side of me, They don't know what to do with me so they just leave...Sorry, but this world is too cruel for you to be so kind...
"Come on...let's go.." Sayuri hasn't said a word ever since they arrived.
"But! what about!-" "Come on!" Sayuri urged Yusari to stop as she interrupt her.
"I don't get it...did I say something that I shouldn't. .." He's so confused, he has no idea what's going through my mind.
"Don't worry... He'll eat.." Sayuri pushed both of them out of the room.
Silence...They're gone...My emotions are a mess...When I first met them...I don't know what I was feeling..but it felt something. ..But now that they're gone...I feel empty...
I gave a part of me to everyone that needed it;...My sister, mother...and Sayuri...But now..I'm like a grave... sitting within the darkness...While they keep digging deeper and deeper...I'm can't understand what I'm feeling..Is it sadness, regret, hopelessness or despair?... I don't know.
I sit silently...waiting to hear some sort of sound...But it's been quiet for too long, it feels like my ears arn't working...
There is an ocean of silence between us...And I'm drowning in it...Am I too selfish?..Is it me who is careless?...Is this all my fault? ..Why did I push them out of my life?...Do they hate me now?..Am I really being selfish?..
Did I do this?...'she...wants....me...NO!!!.....DEAD!'....I refuse to think like that! NO YOU DON'T LIVE FOR PEOPLE!!! AND MUST NEVER DIE FOR THEM!!! NEVER! People arn't worth it!
I AM!! BITCHES!!!
I landed on this Earth for a reason! I:
suffered like a prisoner!
Escaped like winner
And ruled like a conqueror!
I don't have to care about other people, they're just shit compared to me!...
"Alright! OPEN WIDE!"
"Huh?!" It's her! What is she doing here?! The cloth on my eyes was about to fall off but I refused to let that happen. I didn't realise it but I've been crying the whole time! I refuse to let myself cry infront of anyone!
DON'T YOU DARE CRY!! NEVER !!EVER CRY!!
"What aee you doing here?..."
"Hurry up and open your mouth!" I did as she commanded. It tasted delicious, it felt like I've forgotten what food tasted like. But more importantly,... I have realised how much of a blessing it is to eat...
A tear falls from my eye, subconsciously. ..what is this?... I am crying like a baby that just doesn't want toe be fed...But nonetheless... Sayuri continues to feed me..Why is she so kind?...To me. .kindness is just a weakness..
" What's wrong?..-Uh! Wait! um...Never mind. ." That seemed strange for her to say...oh..that's why...She didn't want to ask because she thought it might hurt me...or is it because she's scared?... I can't just say 'I don't know'..! If I want to get answers on who I can trust then I have to ask!
"It's alright.."
"Really?....is that your answer to my previous question?.."
"It's alright...That's it...Whether if it's a lie or not...it doesn't matter....Because....What's inside you is what counts right? ...No one needs to know how you feel. ...You just need to be aware of it yourself. ...To deal with isttt on your own...No matter how badly you feel like no one cares about you....You're here for a reason...Just...love the world and it'll love you...." This isn't how I truly feel but I don't to make Sayuri worry any further....If she truly cares about me, then this can prove it...If she doesn't, then by listening to this lie she will treat me like I'm fine... This is your test, Sayuri... I don't care if you hurt me...I will keep standing...I'll be the only one to judge your actions....and prove if you truly are...a friend to me. ..
"Isn't that a lie?.."
"What?.." I was astound but I couldn't see her expression, but it sounded like she knew..what I was plotting inside.
"You desperately want people to know how you feel. Whether people care about you or not is always in your mind! If they're judging your mistakes, it will always let you down! If you're not good enough for them, you feel like you're dieing! Please! Mitsuru!...Don't rip yourself in pieces to keep others whole! They are not worth it!.... "
I removed the cloth from my eyes and looked at her...She is wiping away her tears before they hit the ground...
Yet I also, have tears in my eyes...
"It's ok! Mitsuru. In the end...everything will be fine! You don't need to change! Please! Remain as the person you are today!...Don't be afraid of being different! Be afraid of being the same as everyone else!"
"Well done...Sayuri" I said smiling at her. I raised my hand against her cheek. "You already past the test..."
"Huh?.."
All this time....I always wanted someone to prove me wrong...
"Thank you..."