"If you keep Jiangling in mind, I'll do my best to help you maintain your image," I made sure every syllable was clear and that there was no room for doubt.
He smiled, "Of course. We are bound in this marriage after all."
I breathed out a sigh of relief at how simple and straightforward the negotiation had been. Was this really the man who had plotted to rid me?
"Youshi, it's getting late now," he looked at me suggestively, casually crossing his arms as if expecting something. All of his seriousness vanished in less than seconds.
But none of that mattered. I froze. He used my name. Though I have been called it my entire life, the word now sounded so distant.
Since coming to Sui, it had been so long since I was called by that. I was always the Princess of Liang, Princess Consort of Jin, A'Xiao, and at best, new sister-in-law. But never was I Youshi.
The titles were constant reminders of the worth of my identity or rather the worthlessness of it. To others, it only mattered that I was half of the alliance. Yet he said it so easily, reminding me that my life was not always so. Just a bit over a month ago, I was a simple peasant girl who dreamed of opening a clinic.
"I thought I was your beloved consort." A bittersweet smile tugged on the corners of my lips. "You know my name?" My voice came out as almost a whisper.
"A Buddhist reference meaning freedom from all sorrows and confinements, is that not so?" He picked up the pitcher of wine and tilted it so that it reflected the candlelight. "Well, judging from how you turned out, I suppose there might be a sizeable margin of error in my reports."
Hearing him say the origins of my name, the irony of it all struck again. Freedom from all sorrows and confinements. Instead, I was trapped in the imperial court for the rest of my life, destined to never meet a happy end.
"But it's a beautiful name," his voice was faint, trailing off. "Quite fitting for such a beautiful girl."
"I told you that I would treat you well, and I fully intend to keep to my words." He played with the vessel bearing alcohol, pouring himself a cup but reflexively scrunching up his nose when he brought it close to him. "Of course, that is assuming that you play your part," he added.
My part… This was just all a necessity of the role I had to play, I reminded myself over and over again. I was expected to do my wifely duties, whether I had feelings for him or not. If not him, it would have been someone else… someone like Brother Liu. I paced over to him emotionlessly, slowly undoing my belt as I did so.
"What are you doing?" A look of temporary shock flashed across his face, and his already-deep voice grew hoarser.
Responding near mechanically, I tried to at least plaster on a smile. "Doing my part as wife." But the smile kept on collapsing, refusing to cooperate and go against my true thoughts. I could do this. I was sent here for this.
Images of that soldier he had sent to deflower me flashed before my eyes, but I blinked them back. I had to make sure that he wouldn't go back on his words. I had to ensure that we truly were bound.
But the thought of bedding a man I had no emotions for still stung as the childhood fantasy of "till white hair" echoed on.
"You do realize I'm the one who should be taking off your robes right?" He motioned lazily to his body. "Per ritual, you're supposed to be undressing me."
No, I had to. I clenched my teeth, bracing myself for the worst as I reached for him. My fingers shook uncontrollably, fighting to stay away from this man I barely knew. When they grazed across the crimson silk, they retracted a bit, yet I willed them to go forward a bit more.
I took a deep breath. It was better to get it done over with quickly. This wasn't me. This was the Princess of Liang.
The wedding gowns were ritualistic, more complicated than I had imagined them to be. My earlier worries were aptly fit. Staring at the mess of scarlet before me, I didn't quite know where to even begin. Belts and fabric seemed to intertwine into one.
He must have seen my confusion because he guided my hand to a knot in particular.
Pulling at the knot, it readily came undone. Layer by layer, I peeled away the complicated wedding gown from his body, gently setting them aside on the before-prepared clothes rack. He simply closed his eyes with a smirk, acting as if he enjoyed the process.
Pervert. My wordless curses cast a shadow over his surface-level appearance. He must have been one of those who played as the perfect child in front of others but secretly was no more than a useless and spoiled degenerate.
Perhaps my words were too harsh, but at that moment, those were the swears that filled my mind. There was but one layer more, and the form of his body grew increasingly visible. I too closed my eyes.
Reaching for the thin fabric…
"You may stop." He took my hand in his and set it against my side.
Instead, he began pulling at my gown. I must admit that he was much better than me at the skill of unrobing. My previous concerns about the complicated nature of the gown giving him trouble were completely unnecessary as his slender fingers brought an article with them away each time.
The night air grew colder, and goosebumps lined my skin. No, it wasn't because of the night. I looked down to see only one layer remaining. He had even removed the golden crown from my hair and partially undone my hairdo. In the time that it took me to undress him, he could have surely disrobed more than five women.
He must have been extremely well-practiced. How many girls had he done this to in the past? So much for being his only one. The thought stung a bit, hitting more on my pride than my heart.
My body told me to blush, but my emotions of disgust for my new husband clouded all of my potential embarrassment.
"Youshi, will you love me?" His motions stopped, and he suddenly asked out of the blue.
I hesitated, wondering whether I should tell him the truth or not. A proper wife should surely respond with yes.
He saw right through me.
"The truth."
He paused his idle actions.
Biting my lips, I shook my head yes, half-expecting chastisement for my insincerity. Our act had already begun after all, right? Or had I done something wrong and our alliance was over before it had ever begun?
In response, he nodded emotionlessly, walking away and taking a short blade from the tabletop. Step by step, he neared me.
Was this how I would meet my end? He was prone to hiding, but who would have thought he was the type to murder his bride on his wedding night?
I felt the cold air whoosh by my head.
In one fluid motion, he cut off a strand of my hair and then a piece of his. Tying them together with a piece of red string, he placed the intertwined strands into an embroidered lotus bag.
In the heat of the moment, I had forgotten the most basic ritual. To tie the hair of the groom and bride together was the last step of the marriage ritual, the symbol of a joint union.
He picked me up and carried me to the wide bed, gently setting me down. The bed was hard, a floorboard-like appeal to it. I sealed my eyes shut and braced myself, knowing what horror was to come.
The shadow loomed closer and closer, and a tingling sensation arose from his physical intimacy. I fought to keep myself from pushing him away or to reach for the blade and plunge it into his chest.
For Jiangling.
This was for Liang.
"We have a whole lifetime before us, so what is a single moment of waiting?"
Inside of the predicted storm, only a soft kiss landed on my forehead.