Ha-Eun had leaped into his arms, pressing her lips to his for a kiss. He'd refused to reciprocate that kiss, forcing her to turn it into a peck as she burrowed into his chest, rubbing her breasts over him as she straddled his hips. He would have grown hard in the past, too pent up from Soul Yearning to care whether or not the girl on his dick was his soulmate or not. But not anymore, JieMi was a changed man after a taste of heaven.
He and his cock were loyal subjects to only one queen.
"You're always so busy, it's rare for us to head to school together like this, isn't it?"
Her voice had been sickly sweet, drizzled with so much honey that it made his stomach turn and flop about with disgust, but he had to pretend. He gave her a smile that he hoped was enough to sooth her concerns, a smile that he'd give the media on his bad days. The fuck-you-but-I'm-nice smile. Ha-Eun faltered at the sight of it and panic fluttered in his chest.
He knew he was being different; he knew he was nothing like the over-protective boyfriend she once had. The one that bowed down at her feet, the one who allowed her to use him as her personal punching bag. He hoped she would chalk it up to his depression, to his inability to give a fuck about anything in the world, instead of his loss of interest for her. But he had to be sure.
"I'm sorry for neglecting you," he'd soothed, fingers running over her back as she leaned against his body. "I'll make it up to you. I promise." He fibbed sweetness, brushing her hair out of her eyes, words that he forced out of his throat. And he tried to imagine that it was Amber before him, tried to imagine that he was with his soulmate and not Ha-Eun. It must have worked because his gaze grew instinctually warm as he kissed her cheeks, actions that he only did with Amber.
Actions that came naturally because of love.
It was too damn late before he caught the dart of movement, and he glanced up to see Amber. His Amber. God fucking damn it. His heart had sped, frantic, hysterical, horrified. Why was she here? He met her eyes, caught those gold orbs with his and god… His angel's expression was strange. A tinge of hurt and a burn of pain, pain that he'd long learnt to recognize. It was the prick of betrayal that ran across her face that stabbed his insides. It was the bubble of hurt that twisted his guts. It was the glisten of tears that broke his heart.
He felt like a cheater.
His heart had grown cold and heavy, so damn heavy that it fell deep into his stomach as nausea filled his throat. His breath caught and he choked, lost for words, unable to speak as the bond between him and his soulmate, beautiful and electrifying, tasted too sweet and too overpowering with the third-party in his arms.
He'd felt like shit then, like the worst soulmate in the world.
He tried to push Ha-Eun off, stretching to show signs of discomfort, but she'd clung on. Her eyes turning to stare at the intruder. Ha-Eun had wrapped her arms around his neck then, and the words she'd spewed had chilled him to the bone.
"Get the fuck out of here," she'd snarled. "Can't you tell that this room is occupied?"
And the love of his life flinched, stepping back with a soft whisper of apologies on her lips. Words he didn't want to hear, words he didn't want to see. He knew what she was thinking, that she had to be strong, that this was all for him. That JieMi was only doing this because he didn't want Ha-Eun to destroy their lives. That he was doing this for them.
But it didn't feel like that at that moment when JieMi had his arms around Ha-Eun, his nose filled with the festering scent of her perfume. It didn't feel like that when he watched Amber tremble and stare. It felt…It felt as if he were betraying her. The pain that blossomed in his chest burned and burned. It burned so hard that he considered at that moment, just coming clean with Ha-Eun and leaving her for good.
Ha-Eun had turned to look at him, leaned close to whisper in his ear as if they had a secret between them, as if they could be lovers. Her lips had met his ear and the following shiver was not from pleasure but from disgust.
"Baby, come with me to the gynaecologist. We should get a photo of our baby." JieMi had stared blankly at her then, heart thumping in his chest, eyes wide. He didn't register Ha-Eun's words in his head, he was unable to register her words, but he nodded dumbly. Unable to do anything else but agree to whatever she said for fear that she would direct her attention to his Amber instead.
And he couldn't let Ha-Eun know about his soulmate, he couldn't let her hurt her.
Amber was watching at him, he could feel her gaze caressing his skin. It was then when he'd felt so ashamed, so damn guilty and so damn horrified. He didn't want her to see this, he couldn't let her see this. He couldn't. He choked, coughed, and then spoke.
"L-let's talk in private," he'd whispered to Ha-Eun, but the intimacy only made things feel so much worse. His skin crawled and he felt so dirty that he hurt inside.
"Yes, let's go to a place without people, I want a better kiss darling," Ha-Eun had purred as her fingers crawled over his body, and he longed to slap it away to get rid of the memory of her touch on his skin. Vomit churned tight in his throat and he had to swallow it down with harsh gulps that made tears prick in his eyes. JieMi knew Ha-Eun was pushing it, that her words were just lies for show, but he caught the look in Amber's eyes. The bitter pain that shone bright in the tears threatening to spill from quivering pupils.
And he hated himself so much he wanted to die.
When he went home that day, he'd entered to the sight of Amber smiling up at him as if everything were okay.
"JieMi," she'd said, reaching out for him, eyes just as warm as ever. He'd balked, stammered out an apology as he ran, so disgusted with himself that he couldn't bear to face her. How could she want him after seeing him in the arms of another? How could she look at him? How could she touch him?
He'd locked himself in his room, body tingling with waves of disgust and a lump forming in his throat. A call from MinJae had sent him running from his cell and into her arms, his heart breaking at the sight of tears that spilled down her cheeks—gemstones on cream. She'd tried to stop those tears in his presence, pitifully buried in MinJae's embrace in a fluffy roll, looking like the cutest sushi roll he'd ever seen.
JieMi's actions: the way he'd locked the door; the way he'd ran; the way he'd slammed her out the moment he got home. It had been painful rejection to his soulmate, to Amber his push was a slap to her cheek. And he hated himself more when her tears trickled down her cheek as he whispered words of apology that were choked with his sobs.
He'd hated himself more for that. He'd held her, then kissed her, then told her that he thought he wasn't deserving of her love, especially after what she'd seen. He'd muttered that he'd felt disgusted by himself. They got over it with tons of kisses and tons of love-making, but that wasn't the damn point.
Fuck, his relationship was a fucking mess. His life was a fucking mess.
He went with Ha-Eun to the hospital the next day, booked a private slot to get it over with. She'd squealed at the sight of their child, a boy. The doctor had congratulated them as Ha-Eun sobbed, tears that didn't feel real to JieMi. And JieMi had stared at the somewhat flat slope of her abdomen, disappointment tight in his throat.
He'd prayed that everything had been a lie, that she'd been faking her pregnancy. That she'd been putting up a ploy to hold him tight in her grasp. But there was no denying at the 18th week that there was a child, and he was there in her belly as much as JieMi willed him not to be. The ride home had been silent, his grip tight on the stirring wheel, and his jaw clenched so hard it'd hurt.
"You should have shown a little more emotion," Ha-Eun complained, no longer holding up pretence now that they were out of the public eye. She sipped on her drink, something healthy instead of the wine she wanted, something that wouldn't hurt the baby. "You wanted this child. You said you did."
JieMi remained quiet, unable to speak with the blow of disappointment hot in his throat.
"You looked at him like he was nothing." She'd sighed, blowing out a low breath. How could he have looked at him like he was nothing? JieMi screamed in his head. He was the one who had convinced her to get a smoothie instead of alcohol. He cared. Enough to chide her of her diet, enough to stop her from her cigarettes. "He's a miracle, you know, that right?"
"Like how all the others were miracles," JieMi'd snapped back, anger tight in his voice. He was too wound up to care about the consequences of his anger, and all he wanted to was to lash out at the leash bound tight to his throat. It seemed to spur her because her expression grew dark and she turned to him.
"Wang JieMi, what the fuck is your problem?" She'd yelled, her voice cracking as it rose a pitch. Her face grew ugly as her brows wrinkled and her expression turned foul as if she'd stepped in dog shit and cat piss. "I know it was my fucking mistake for not telling you, I know I fucking lied. But we were over this! We were fucking over this!"
"I know," JieMi breathed. His fear of her was a pin to his inflating anger. "I know. I just can't—"
"I don't fucking trust you!" She'd spat, crossing her arms. "You're always running. You never get angry at me. You're always getting out of the way whenever you want. And after you run, you bring the argument back again and again. And a fucking again! You're always getting away from me when I just want to fucking talk. You shut up and you go back to your emotionless fucking state!"
"I don't want to talk about it now, I'm driving." JieMi bit back, eyes flickering over the mirrors as heat rose in his chest.
"LOOK AT YOU! YOU'RE RUNNING AGAIN! YOU DON'T WANT TO FACE IT WITH ME—"