"That's because you hit me!" JieMi burst back, eyes flashing as his fingers tightened against the stirring wheel. His heart was pounding and it burned in his temple, a steady beat that rumbled across his entire body. "You hit me! You get so angry that I need to run I have to run or else you'll hold that knife to your belly again. You try to kill yourself! And I don't know why you have to do it—"
"Oh, so you leave because what?" She barked out a sharp laugh. "You don't want to be around your fucking mad as fuck girlfriend?"
"I leave because I know if I don't, you'll start to use your life as a leverage and so I leave. So I run, so that I won't get hurt." JieMi's words grew hard with his anger, his voice stiff from the truth. Ha-Eun went quiet at his words, stammering out her next line of excuses.
"You know I'm human. I do that because I'm so emotionally charged because I can't—"
"So you use your fists on me."
"I'm not going to validate… my actions." She sighed and then her voice grew purposely soft, purposely gentle. She was acting as if he were the crazy one, as if he were the one who was at fault. "I did it because I was emotional and I'm sorry." Ha-Eun exhaled. "No matter how kind or how nice a person is, if you reel them up enough, they'll get angry okay?"
"But you—"
"JieMi, I'm not going to fucking fight about how I aborted my children, okay? IT WAS MY FUCKING BODY AND MY FUCKING CHOICE NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY!"
"I'm not bringing up that I'm saying…"
"YOU ARE! YOU ALWAYS, ALWAYS BRING UP THE CHILDREN! I'M OVER IT OKAY? I'm over it! I'm so sick and tired about fighting over old fucking fights. I'm so sick and tired of going through my every fucking mistake. I am human, I make mistakes. I can make mistakes. And you're always targeting me, you're always bringing out my flaws."
"I'm saying that you shouldn't use a knife to—"
"THAT WAS THE ONLY REASON WHY YOU LISTENED TO ME!"
JieMi turned to her then, tears bright in his eyes. "I told you I wanted a break, I just wanted time off. Just moments to think. I just wanted to leave for a while, you know I care about you I wouldn't have—"
"Oh YEAH?" Ha-Eun laughed, shaking her head. "You want to split? That's the problem, you're running again. You're not going to work things out, you're not going to talk things through like two sensible adults. You're going to leave and then it's up to me, again, to keep things together."
JieMi's throat grew tight with tears at her words.
"I leave because you hit me." JieMi repeated softly, gently, strangely calm. "I leave because—
"And I said I'm human okay?" She snapped, growing agitated. "I'm not saying you stay and we get fucking physical together. I'm saying you stay and talk to me. You stay when shit goes downhill and we talk it out!"
"But—"
"Running is easy. It's so damn easy for you to leave every single fucking time. You can't just run! You're not making this easier, you're not being kind to me. You're making it harder for me to work things out!"
She heaved.
"And then I have to act like the bigger person every single fucking time! I have to come to you and knock! I have to fucking say sorry to you every single time, while you fucking cry! You're lazy as fuck you're a fucking coward JieMi! A coward! And you cry so much good fucking God, I feel like the man in this house."
JieMi's eyes watered at her words, and he stopped the car, turning to look at her. How had he not seen this sooner he didn't know. How had he allowed himself to remain within her grasp he didn't know.
"You don't love me."
"I DO!" She gaped at him then, eyes growing comically wide and he wanted to laugh. "Y-you're my favourite person in the whole world! I fucking love you! Why else would I do this? Why the hell would I keep this child even though I know that he will fuck up with my visuals? Look, I aborted them in secret because I knew you would fucking cry. You would fucking lose your shit. I knew that. So I did it in fucking secret. You would freak out. I love you so I stayed quiet."
She broke his trust. Didn't she understand that after so many tears? So many fights? His bottom lip trembled. "I told you it wasn't about them. It was always about the lies."
"WHAT LIES? WHAT FUCKING LIES?" She screeched, her anger rising rapidly. "I don't know what the fuck you're talking about, you're always randomly latching on some fucking subject where you don't even know what you want! I tell you to explain it to me, I tell you to tell me specifically what I'm doing wrong. But then you don't know! You don't fucking say it!"
"I told you. I told you…I told you not to punch me."
"Oh great!" She grinned, rolling her eyes. "You figured it all out. By the way," she continued defending herself. "I didn't punch you. That wasn't a punch. That was a slap. I just tapped you, okay? It wasn't even a fucking punch."
"It was a punch." JieMi insisted. He knew what it felt like. The white-hot burning pain that seared his vision and sent him straight into the arms of disorientation. He'd left with the burn in his abdomen, the pain tingling across his skin and pulling at his muscles.
"I hit you, but it wasn't punched. You guys fight harder than that. I'm sure you know what it feels like to be fucking punched and that was a light hearted slap. Okay? So come on."
"You—"
"You're fine! You're a man! I did not punch you! I just hit you, okay? So what am I supposed to do? I told you sorry, I apologised. But I'm not like you bringing it up again and again, bitching about it like a fucking coward! You're a fucking baby."
"Because you keep fighting—"
"YOU ARE SUCH A BABY! YOU'RE A COWARD! GROW UP JIEMI! GROW THE FUCK UP!" She heaved.
"You started the fights. You hit me." JieMi accused, trembling hard.
"I KNOW, OKAY? Yes, yes I DID! But when I don't you still run okay? You're a fucking hypocrite JieMi. Come on."
JieMi couldn't do it, his feet shook in his seat and he got out of the car, closing the door to walk away from her. He couldn't look at her, not with the tears dripping from his eyes. Not with his body shaking with pain, and his heart breaking into pieces.
"Come on! What the fuck?"
She ran up to him, fingers tightening over his wrist and he hissed.
"Let go!"
She only squeezed tighter, nails digging into his flesh. "I get it. Okay? I get it that it's my fault. Okay? Everything is my fault and I'm sorry okay? I'm sorry for being a fucking bitch. I'm sorry for fucking around with your life. I'm just me, okay? I just want us to work!"
He couldn't look at her, staring down at the floor as tears dripped from his cheeks. She froze, then changed her tactic, her voice dropping into a low coo that had disgust running up his spine. He hated it when she was like this, and he hated how weak he was with her.
"Look, I'll make it up to you okay? How about this…We'll go to my place, and let you calm down. I'll let you fuck me and if it still doesn't work. I got some other things in my purse from my company. Just things to smoke, we can play around—"
"You can't smoke Ha-Eun," he sighed, wiping at his eyes to look at her. "You can't do drugs. You're pregnant. Please." Her brows furrowed, then she rolled her eyes, a hand on her hip as she spat out more words.
"So now you're looking at the bigger picture, aren't you? This is why I don't want to be pregnant. The baby is everything to you, it's not me anymore. It's the baby, the baby, the baby."
"I can't do this." He muttered, pulling at her hold and walking away, feet dragging along the long highway. "Call a taxi, take my car. I don't care. I'm just going to go."
"What do you mean you're going to go? What do you mean? We are in this together you hear me? We are fucking in this together, we are fucking parents. And I know you're looking at other girls, you want to fuck them, don't you? You're sick of me?"
JieMi turned, eyes red.
"I tell you. I run because I don't want to fight. I don't want to and I know you do it because you're scared—"
She burst out then, roaring madly in the darkness.
"OF COURSE, I'M FUCKING AFRAID THAT YOU'LL LEAVE ME. I'm pregnant with your fucking child, we have the whole world watching our backs! And if you leave me what the fuck am I going to be? A single fucking parent? I'll fucking bring you down! You and your fucking group because I don't deserve this FUCKING TREATMENT!"
JieMi's confidence grew with the distance he placed between them, he turned, eyes bright with tears. "That's why I can't do this anymore. You threaten me, our whole arrangement is based upon fear. You always say you'll leak my nudes you'll tell the world I raped you. You always say that you'll bring me down. How can I love someone who doesn't care about me?" He began to sob.
"Look, Look I just want you to be with me okay?"
"Is the baby even mine?" JieMi burst out and she froze, eyes blinking wide in the darkness. "Is it even mine? How can it be? This is the third time—"
"You know I don't have a soulmate…" Her voice was trembling and JieMi prayed that it wasn't because of her outburst but because she was scared. "There's only you…"
"Then I want a blood test, I want proof that he's mine. I want you to show me for real that he's my child. Then I'll shut up. I'll stop talking about things. I'll stay with you. I'll be with you okay?" JieMi shook his head.
"Now you're suspecting me," she began to laugh. "You think I'm the one cheating? Me? You're the one fucking cheating with Amber. I knew it. You've been looking for a fucking excuse to leave. You've been looking for a way to get into her arms. She's a fucking slut!"
"Don't—
"I know the look in your eyes when you see her. You're fucking mine!" She ran to him then, the first blow to his head. A fist to his nose that sent him careening backwards and pulling him straight into the fire. It shocked him, made his eyes burn with tears and his ears ring. "I TOLD YOU TO STOP GETTING THOSE FUCKING THOUGHTS OF LEAVING OUT OF YOUR FUCKING HEAD. I'M SO SICK AND TIRED OF FUCKING FIGHTING OVER THIS. FUCK YOU!" She threw another punch, smashing her fingers into his cheek and he fell onto the floor with a groan, the asphalt scrapping against his skin.
"G-get off—"
"Useless, fucking piece of shit!"
She continued to hit him; each blow a burst of fire through his system that had him crying out in pain. But he couldn't hit her, not with the thought of the child, not with how she abused him. He could only lay still and roll with her punches, let the fear burn tight in his chest until he couldn't breathe.
Please, he begged, please let this end.
And he switched.