The weekend has started and 10:00 am still seemed like an early start to the day. I had only 3 days left before I had to report back to school. Going through the diary I was able to learn a lot of things about Abhinu, but with all the bad things happening to him over the last few months, it seemed like fate was playing a cruel trick on him. Destiny was conspiring against this poor little kid. But all the while my mind kept returning to the question of how was Abhinu associated with Geeta. I pushed my wandering thoughts aside and read on.
23rd December 1993
Today Aunty came to my room and told me that yesterday she went to meet the principal before coming to the police station to discuss my future. I have been expelled from the school because of my anger issues and since there is a police record in my name no school will take me in.
The principal thinks that I am a threat to other students and that they are not safe with me around. I tried convincing aunty that it was not true and that Soham was the one who made me angry. Aunty wouldn't listen to what I said. She grounded me until she could decide what to do with me. I shouldn't play basketball, no video games, and no going outside the house. Also, I need to be disciplined and I should be helping her with some of the household chores as retribution for the misery I caused to her and the family. I stayed in the room for the whole day. I wished papa was here today but I also knew that I have lost the comfort of his presence and understanding forever.
*** Reading about Abhinu's despair, my eyes were filled with tears. I could feel what he is going through. I continued reading. Abhinu writes that for the next few days all he did was help aunty and in return all aunty did was make his life miserable. One the day of Christmas eve aunty didn't even let him come to our house, to celebrate Christmas with Monika. The whole family came to our place but aunty locked him up in the storeroom and left. Aunty even told him that he should stop calling her mom because he has lost any right to do that. He even wrote that on the new year's day, aunty made him feel more miserable by making him clean the house, eat his food on the floor while everyone at the house had the liberty to eat on the dining table, and in the evening, she bought gifts for everyone except him. Uncle didn't say a word because it felt like he also blames him for what he has done. Abhinu writes that he kept praying, that in the first week of January the lady from the child welfare would come and he would ask them to take him away from the family. Finally, It was the 2nd of January and the school started ***
2nd January 1994
I woke up at my usual time. When I saw my sisters going to school I was woeful. Uncle was not talking to me. I went to ask aunty if there is any news from school. She said that after we came back home uncle went to meet the principal to convince him, but he would not listen. He is concerned about the safety of other students. In other words, I don't have to go to school anymore, I should be happy about it. It felt like my entire world has come crashing down. Aunty told me that she is not happy about all the misery I have caused her. I have let everyone who believed in me down. Uncle had to leave his work and had to plead in front of Soham's parents and they were rude to him too.
She asked me why I can't be like her daughters, they have never fought with anyone. She gave me an example of Aarohi and asked me if I had seen her undisciplined. There is a reason why they consider Aarohi their favorite daughter. People would always give examples of Aarohi and my sisters. Just because of what I had done, Aamaya's classmates, are afraid of talking to her.
All the parents in school are vilifying the family. I felt so bad and started to think that I am a devil reincarnated. I should have listened to Monika and controlled my anger, I didn't say another word and went to my room thinking about what I had done. They would not even let me talk to Monika or Surya.
3rd January 1994
As I woke up I saw uncle sitting on the couch reading the newspaper. I went and requested him to please forgive me for what I have done. I can bear anything but not his silence towards me. Uncle kept the newspaper down and said politely that he was very disappointed in me. He was never been called to the school for any indiscipline related issues, and that he was ashamed of me.
I could not bear to look at his face and replied I never meant to harm Soham and that he called me a ragamuffin. Uncle told me, that if anyone calls me such names, it will not mean that I am. Has he not taken care of me like my father, don't I call aunty my mother. If such a petty thing bothers me then it means, I don't consider them as family. I am no one to them.
I was guilt-ridden and went to my room. Later in the afternoon, Uncle came to my room and said that he will try to arrange for my studies at home. He doesn't want me to be functionally illiterate. Aunty told me that until the classes start, I am still grounded.
She fore-warned me about the severity of the punishment which was to be meted soon. I could only guess what fate awaits me by the menace in her tone.
Although I was shaken up, self-preservation forbade me to expose any weakness in front of Aunty.
**** Comeon aunty, he is just a 7-year-old child, I know what he did was wrong, but he has already been punished enough, with all that he has gone through, I felt that instead of punishment and isolation, he needed the company of friends and family more. I don't think, that more punishments were going to change or affect him positively. ****
4th January 1994
I am feeling very hopeless today. Uncle left for his tour early. Aunty told me that its been 2 weeks since the incident. I have been a good boy, so she asked me if I wanted to go and meet Monika, I said yes and she let me go to meet her but also warned me that I should be back in 2 hours. She told me that the school is closed today for some event, I got changed and left for Monika's house.
As I didn't want to make aunty angry again, I made sure to return back on time. As I entered my room, I saw Aunty was sitting on my bed. She called me and said that she is sorry for what she had done to me for the past 2 weeks. She caught hold of my head with both her hands and kissed me on the forehead. I hugged her back and requested her to please forgive me for what I had done.
She replied that she forgives me for what I had done and then told me that I am stinking real bad and I should go and take a shower. She told me to leave my clothes on the bed, she will put it out for washing. I put on a towel, left my clothes on the bed and went to take a shower.
As I came out of the shower, I found my clothes were gone, and in its place, it was Aarohi's favorite blue frock laid neatly on my bed, and right next to it, was her sky blue leather ankle strapped heeled wedges. She used to love the wedges so much that she never wore them outside because she worried that it will get spoilt.
I opened my almirah and found that it was empty, all my clothes were gone. I came out and asked aunty if she had seen my clothes and she replied that she had kept the clothes I need to wear on the bed. I replied that there must be a mistake, as they were girl's clothing, and she told me that she knows and that's what she wants me to put on.
When I told her, I am not going to be a girl, she calmly asked me to come to our backyard. I saw a bonfire and as I approached near it, I found fragments of clothes burning there. I looked closer and found my favorite denim pants burning. My school uniform was also burnt, all that remained was the white-collar which refused to decimate.
I was frozen at the sudden change in Aunty's attitude. All of a sudden, I felt like someone caught hold of me from the back tightly. It was Rahat our gardener. I tried to relieve myself but he was very strong. As I was struggling to get out, aunty bought something out of the house, It was the clothes I was wearing earlier when I went to Monika's house. She threw those in the pyre too.
All I could do was to struggle and helplessly watch my clothes burn. After some-time, Rahat dragged me to my room and locked the door from outside. I kept beating the door and the only thing I could hear was aunty saying that unless I wear the dress, I cannot come out and I don't get to eat food too. Aunty even turned off the electricity to my room to break me. I was adamant not to be dressed like Aarohi and stayed in the room by the door looking at the dress and wearing the towel,
**** I don't believe it. Does she really mean it? What the hell is wrong with this woman... Wait a minute, Is that why uncle avoided answering me when I asked about Abhinu. I continued reading the journal further to figure out the answer to the question ****
6th January 1994
It's been 2 days now, I was hungry, and I didn't have any food for the past 3 days. Aunty was pretending to be so good the other day, that I didn't have anything in Monika's place too. Out of hunger, my head was aching, and my stomach growled. but I was adamant that I will not wear the dress that aunty had kept on my bed. I will not be a girl no matter what. Around 2:00 p.m. I finally couldn't take it anymore. however, my willpower finally gave up and I passed out. Some-time later it felt like someone sprayed some water on my face, and when I opened my eyes, I found myself lying on the couch and wearing Aarohi's dress. I felt a sharp pain on my nose and ears and found that there was an earring hanging from my ears, I touched my nose and figured that the reason for the pain was that my left nostril has been pierced and a nosering has been attached to it. I got up from the couch with a start and tried to tear up the dress they put in me. Aunty stood in front of me and gave me a tight slap, I fell on the couch crying, and aunty replied that if I destroy the dress she will tie me up and lock me up in the storeroom for the whole week, and I don't get to eat any food. I decided not to struggle and agreed to listen to her. She looked very pleased with me. As a reward, she let me use Aarohi's room forever. That was the most beautiful room in the house. I can use any of her dresses to wear. She asked me to stay in the room for a while. She opened Aarohi's wardrobe and showed me everything she owned. She took out a beautiful piece of an anklet and made me wear that too, which I did without throwing any tantrum. After everything was done, she told me that I should always make sure, that the bangles, anklet, nose ring and the earings are never removed from my body. A girl should never remove these important pieces of jewelry off their body. She also told me that this is for only 4 weeks, If I am a good girl during the four weeks, I don't have to wear all of these anymore. Finally, she got food for me and fed me with her own hands. After having food she called me to her room, touched my head with her head and blessed me. I don't want to be a girl, every time she calls me a girl, it hurts my self-respect and I feel helpless. The shame of being dressed up as a girl in front of 4 real women made me hide in Arohi's room the whole day and only cry at my fate with no one to comfort me.
**** Damn this woman, She should be treated in a mental institute. Something is wrong with this woman. Who the hell has heard about someone being forced to be a girl to be taught discipline or as punishment? This is sadistic, cruel and inhumane, aunty. ****
7th January 1994
After yesterday's ordeal, this is my second day as a girl. Still ashamed and embarrassed at my current predicament, I felt like I wanted to stay inside my room the whole day and avoid Aamaya didi, Garima and Darika silent giggles which humiliated me even more. Dressed like a girl in front of 4 women is embarrassing. I kept wondering and praying to God about what did I do to deserve this. My self-confidence is fully shattered.
Even my training in karate is not helping me in this case. I just prayed that these 4 weeks ends soon and I don't have to be a girl anymore. The day turned worse when Monika and Surya decided to show up at our house. I was so ashamed of my situation that I locked myself up in my new room and hid inside the closet.
Aamaya didi had a spare key and decided to bring them into the room to embarrass me more. It felt like she was doing that purposefully. Suddenly the door of the closet opened and it was Rahat Kaka who caught hold of my hands and dragged me out. I shouted and kicked back to stop him from dragging me and toching me inappropriately, but he was too strong for me. Monika and Surya glanced at me from head to toe and looked startled. After rahat kaka left, I stepped forward to greet them but Monika pushed me back. She said to Aamaya didi "Who is this? This is not the Abhinu, she once loved and cared about. I looked like a Punchinello."
They told me that they are never coming to meet me again. I saw tears in Monika's eyes as she left the house. After Monika left, aunty told me not to be shy and come out of the room. She asked Aamaya didi to teach me the ways of the girls, things like how to sit on the table, differences between the postures of a girl and a boy, how to apply makeup, how a girl should walk wearing heels, everything I should know about being a girl.
Later aunty told me that I am missing long hair to fit the criteria which should be grown by the end of the month. I told aunty that by the end of the month, I will be a boy again, so she might not be able to see me with long hair. Aunty smiled and replied that she will pray that I don't have to be a girl ever again. I don't want to be a girl for the rest of my life. Aarohi was mentally strong and could live like a girl, but I cannot and I will not.
**** What the hell...!!! What did I just read, Is Abhinu our Geeta, I don't believe it... He has been a girl for 6 years, this is not right... Did he just reveal that Aarohi was also a boy made to live as a girl? What is this all about. I will have to talk to Monika to confirm this. If this is true, why has she kept mum about this
It is said that time heals almost everything, but after going through the journal of Abhinu post his transition to Geeta and meeting him(her) on Rakshabandhan, I was skeptical about it. With the severe abuse that he suffered every other day by the hands of Amaya, Garima, Darika or his Aunty, I am surprised that he has not tried to end his life. And what was uncle doing, why is he being a silent spectator. This feels too horrifying to be true. Even if all this is true, I must admire how much mentally strong these 2 boys were who survived through this trauma. I bet Aarohi was too young to even understand what was happening to her, but Abhinu is old enough to understand the injustice done to him.
I wonder what Monica must have felt seeing her best friend in such a terrible situation. The boy she loved dearly is being tortured beyond the unthinkable and she is unable to do anything at all. Had I been in her place and saw these with my own eyes I would have gone into depression, low spirits, and dejected nature. I wonder if that bout of low spirits and depression she went through was because of this. As things started to make sense, I was overwhelmed by a sense of indignation and disbelief.
I was so enraged that my scattered mind could not form a coherent thought. I promised myself 'Aunty you and your precious daughters had destroyed my sweet Monika's life. Your family's actions forced my only sister to attempt ending her life.' Yes, it was difficult for me to ever remind myself of the incident which was the outcome of my sister's depression. Part of it was not knowing what exactly she was going through. But now that I could put things together and things have become clear, I want retribution and these thoughts echoed in my head, 'I am not gonna spare you and your ugly family for that.' ****