Prince Crimson Arc
9th May
The Proserpina left once again, returning to Luna with a number of passengers onboard, the most notable of which is the Imam. After I saw them off, thanking a number of them for their work here at the colony, and saying farewell, I returned to the settlement, heading back to my apartment.
On my way back from the hangars on the surface, I find myself in front of Zayd's apartment. That's a lie. Zayd's apartment is further down than mine. I must've walked past my floor to get here, though I wasn't entirely aware of it. This isn't the first time that this has happened. I've done this twice already in the last week or so. Me and Zayd haven't talked for two weeks. It isn't like we had a big argument or anything. Just an accumulation of smaller things. We're both busier now than we were on the Proserpina, we both weren't clear about what we wanted from each other, and we were both unwilling to talk about any of it properly. Because we're scared. I told myself that I'd come talk to him once my and Miss de Marcos' plan for the colony had been pushed through. That I'd wait until after that, so that I was no longer as busy as I am right now. But all that is just an excuse when it comes down to it. There's no good reason not to just confront it, and move on whatever the result is, but we can't. Because we're scared. I want to believe that we both want the same thing from this, but I can't know for sure. And that scares me. With a deep breath, I take a step forward and knock on Zayd's door.
I'm starting to think that he might not be at home, when the door finally swings open. Zayd doesn't look any different than he did before, I'm not sure why I would've expected him to. If anything, he looks more tired than he used to. Owing, I'm sure, to the sudden work that he has been put to since we arrived on Ceres. Everyone that travelled with us on the Proserpina is at least a bit like that. After so much time doing little each day, it has been a shock to all of us to return to working hours.
Zayd regards me for a while then says, "don't just stand there, it'll make me feel bad. Come inside."
"Thank you," I exclaim, breathing a sigh of relief. I wasn't sure whether he was going to let me in or not. If he hadn't, I might've just broken right here. The two of us walk, me three paces behind, into Zayd's apartment. Like all the other apartments here in the settlement proper, it's made up of three rooms. Living, bedroom, and bathroom. The living room takes centre stage, with both the bedroom and bathroom merely leading off from the living room. The living room is relatively expansive, similar in size to the larger end of apartments in Artemis on the moon. A couch and a chair sit pointing in towards a coffee table. Zayd sits down on the chair, whilst I drop into the couch. Like all Earthlings that have lived on the moon for an extended period of time, Zayd knows that Lunar-born find it difficult to sit in chairs. Chairs are made for Earthlings, it's rare to find a chair designed to fit our skeletal frame. Instead the Lunar-born are more comfortable stretching or reclining on couches.
For a time, neither of us say anything. I don't know what to say. I know what I need to say, but I can't think of the right words. It's difficult, even now that Zayd is right in front of me.
"I'm sorry," Zayd speaks first, startling me, "I should've come to see you. I know that your busier than me, but I wasn't sure what to say."
"Me too. I didn't know. I still don't know what I should say," I tell Zayd, "but I guess, for starters, I should also say sorry. I'm sorry if you felt pressured by me to make our relationship open, and I'm sorry for everything else. I know that I'm difficult and awkward, but-"
"No, it's not all your fault," Zayd says hastily, "I think… I think the way we went about it was wrong. I don't think I was honest about what you meant to me, and how much you meant to me."
"Do you think we should spell it out for each other?" I ask him, "I think you're right. We need to be clearer about what we feel for each other."
"Okay," Zayd took a deep breath, "I'm in love with you. After the past few weeks, I'm certain of that now. I still don't think I'm ready to be open about our relationship, but… I want to be with you. I know that now."
I'm not entirely sure how to respond to that. I know what I want to say, but I'm not sure how to word it. No, I know how to word it, I'm just scared it isn't what Zayd wants to hear. But the point of this is so that we can come clear, come clean with each other, was it not? If I can't say what I need to now, what was the point in coming here?
"To be completely honest, I'm still not sure if I love you. I think I told you this another time, but I've only been in love once before, and that didn't end how I wanted it to. It hurt me a lot, and I still don't think I'm completely over it. But I do think that I want to try loving you."
I've always been a heavy sleeper. I heard once that most Lunar-born are. If I had to guess, it's because of all the commotion in a Lunar city that occurs when your trying to sleep. Because two-thirds of the population are awake at any one time, there's no time of the day that an Earthling might call 'the dead of night', and to sleep through all that ruckus, you have to be a heavy sleeper. On Ceres, like Luna, Singaporean local time is used as the standard time, as neither world has anything close to a twenty-four-hour day, and most of the population lives underground anyway. Unlike Luna, however, on Ceres, the day isn't divided into three, and the population's sleep cycle isn't dispersed across three separate times of day, which makes it much quieter when I try to sleep here compared to back home. Perhaps because of this, the unusual quietness of Ceres is disturbing to me. It puts me off. I can't sleep for long, because it's always so quiet at night.
Thanks to that, I wake up with a sense of unease. It's just too quiet. I look at the clock on the bedside table next to me. For a moment I freak out because I can't see it, then I remember that I'm not in my own bed. I look over my shoulder to the other side of the bed, and even though my eyes aren't well adjusted yet, I can make out Zayd's figure in the darkness. A dark silhouette in a greyed-out world. As I come to my senses, I feel his arm wrapped around my torso. I would stay here, but I get the feeling that I'm not going to be able to go back to sleep. I'll just lie here for a little while before I get up.
Now that everything between me and Zayd has been cleared up, I feel somewhat refreshed. It had all been hanging over my head like a cavern roof, but now it feels like I'm much freer. Working things out with Zayd was the right thing to do. My only regret now, is that I didn't do it sooner. The two of us agreed that we would continue our relationship just like before, without telling anyone. At least that's the idea. Zayd is still uncomfortable with it, and I'm not exactly ready either.
Slipping out from under the covers, I take care not to wake Zayd as I clamber out of his bed. Luckily for me, he is quite a heavy sleeper. I tiptoe my way through to the living room, closing the door behind me so that I can turn the light on without waking him. I make my way to the kitchen, specifically the fridge. As I'm looking in, squinting at the bright internal lights, I feel something cold at my throat. Cold, metallic, and shiny.
"Don't make a noise," I hear a voice from behind me say. It's a voice that I don't recognise. The gruff voice of a man who's at least a few decades older than me. He speaks with a strong accent, though I can't place it.
"Are you going to kill me?" I ask, unable to stop my frightened state from showing in my voice. For I, am truly terrified at this moment.