Space Cowboy Arc
25th April
And so, the days past, and I got accustomed to our new four-member crew. I'm no longer surprised when I wake up, and see Petr asleep across from me, nor is it surprising to see Hana in the cockpit or the recreation area when I walk in, and I don't find it uneasy or difficult to talk to her anymore. From what I see of the two of them, Hana and Ahmad seem to be getting used to each other, and coming to understand each other better, which is good. For my part, I think I've also gotten more comfortable talking to Hana, and respecting her the way she expects to be. It's easier for me than Ahmad, I think. I just had to realise that Hana was more like her than any of the girls that me and Ahmad grew up with in Palestine. For Ahmad, I'm sure it's slightly more difficult. He doesn't know any girls but the ones we grew up with in Palestine. His lunarised daughter must be beyond his comprehension but, to his credit, he does appear to be trying quite hard to understand her.
Today, in the time after I've woken up for my shift, and Ahmad and Hana still haven't gone to sleep, the three of us are playing card games. There isn't much to do onboard the Jaeger, but we do need something, and cards are better than nothing. Luckily, we're in a part of the belt that isn't heavily concentrated with asteroids, so we can play cards without much interruption, though sometimes I do still need to interrupt our game to see to steering the ship past obstacles. Petr's calculations put us at about three days away from the asteroid we're hoping to mine. I hope that he's right about the gold content on it.
After a third straight loss, Ahmad yawns and stands up. His sudden momentum pushes him up toward the ceiling, but he calmly scratches his back, as he gently rotates himself pushing off against the ceiling, and once again rolling to land with surprising grace. I almost feel like clapping.
"I'm off to bed now," Ahmad says, "let's go."
"No, I think I'll stay up a bit longer," Hana replies.
Ahmad opens his mouth to answer back, but then stops himself. Both of us are still working on it. Learning how to act around a girl who grew up on the moon, that is. It certainly is difficult, because she acts so different from the women and girls that me and Ahmad grew up with.
"Okay, don't stay too long," Ahmad says, before turning away.
I think it's good that he's trying to understand her, trying to give her the freedom that she's grown up with, even if it isn't the way that Ahmad would've grown up, and it certainly isn't the way she would've grown up if the two of them were both still in Palestine. Ahmad is finding it difficult to give her that freedom, but he's trying, and that should be enough. As Ahmad's back disappears down the corridor, I turn my attention back toward Hana. She's still watching her father as he walks away, unsurprisingly. As much as the two of us struggle to comprehend her, her father must be just as much a mystery to her.
"Are you wondering what he's thinking about?"
Hana jumps in surprise, then looks at me, "why would I?"
"I thought you might be curious. I mean, even though you haven't seen each other for almost a decade, you're family."
"Hmm… I don't know if it's anything like that," Hana responds, "it's just, I don't know. On the moon, I never met anyone quite like him. He doesn't talk about himself at all, and he never speaks to me comfortably. It's like he can't talk to my like equals."
Isn't that exactly what I just said, I think to myself, but decide it's probably better not to say aloud.
"I mean," Hana continues, "I wasn't eavesdropping or anything, but I've heard him talking to you or Petr when I'm not there, and he sounds completely different. Like a different person."
"Well, there's probably a couple of reasons for that," I scratch my head, "you're his daughter but to him, his daughter's still five years old. I mean obviously he knew you wouldn't still be five, but I don't think he'd thought about just how much you would've changed. I mean, you're probably more like an adult than the child you were then."
Hana doesn't say anything after that. She just averts her gaze, and looks down at the cards in front of us. For complaining that her father doesn't talk about himself enough, she can be quite anti-social at times. I wonder what she's thinking about. I really can't understand her at all.
"Do you want a coffee? I feel like a hot drink."
Hana doesn't respond, except to shake her head ever so slightly, so I'm going to take that as a no, even though I'm not entirely sure it was. Either way I'm still hungry, so I lift myself to my feet, and head toward the kitchen.
Following that, Hana doesn't say anything to me, and seems somehow more timid than usual. Was it something I said? I watch her out of the corner of my eye, as I brew my coffee from the kitchen. After she finishes packing up the cards, she heads over and sits looking out at the space beyond, just like she was, the first time I saw her after we left Ceres. That must've been over a week ago, but it feels like almost no time at all.
Once I've finished making my coffee, I head over, and stand beside her. I look out at the black void in front of us, broken only by the occasional asteroid. There isn't anything to look at. Nothing whatsoever. Hana must be thinking, or looking, at something that isn't here. She seems like she's in a weird mood, so perhaps I should just leave her alone. I begin to turn around, but then I think some more. Out here, especially when on a ship away from the settlement on Ceres, it's difficult. Many people can't handle it when they first arrive here. They find themselves alone and isolated, in a strange, cold world, and that's hard. I was fine when I first came here, but especially in the early days, there were quite a high number of suicides. No, I shouldn't leave her alone. If she is feeling down, feeling depressed, that would be bad. I don't think I could forgive myself if someone who had been on my ship killed themselves, especially not Ahmad's daughter.
"Hana… Hana!"
She doesn't respond immediately, but after hearing her name a second time, she looks over at me slowly. Hana looks exhausted. Not physically, but mentally. Seeing that, I'm convinced that I'm doing the right thing by talking to her like this. Though I'm not entirely convinced that I'm the right person to be talking to her.
Scratching my head, I say, "look, I'm not too sure how to say this, but… you shouldn't just sit there, staring out like that in a place like this."
From her blank expression, I can tell she didn't understand what I was trying to say. But this troublesome. How exactly do I say this without it sounding weird?
"Well, I guess if your troubled or something, you should talk to someone like your father-"
"Why is that your answer for everything?"
"Huh?"
"Nothing. I said nothing. I'm going to bed."
Hana stands up, and walks away without another word. I watch her go, feeling somewhat ambivalent. What am I supposed to do? On the one hand, I feel apologetic, guilty even, for upsetting her. But on the other hand, I'm not sure what I did wrong. Hana seems like a complicated person. Complicated, confused, irrational, spontaneous, intrepidus. Or maybe that's just being a teenage girl. It's a bit too much for me, however.
The rest of my shift goes by without a problem, and also without anything of interest happening. Having nothing happen for eight hours straight is incredibly boring. At least Petr was up for the last two, so I had someone to talk to, but there isn't much left to talk about after ten days into an expedition. When my shift's over, I find myself going to sleep quickly, and without much difficulty.