After we laid to rest our burning desires, we laid on the bed exhausted. My head on his chest, his heartbeat fast. I stayed still loving the rhythmic sound of his heart beating in the hope that it would call my name.
"You were scared yesterday Ria. I saw it in your eyes, I felt it on my skin." He spoke like he always did. Slow and gentle pronouncing each word to the last. In his voice, one who didn't know him would hear only love and worry, but I heard, pain, anger, disappointment.
"I felt it. I felt something move when she fell. I saw the darkness." I said silently.
The mere remembrance of the event caused me to shudder. I would have been so afraid was I not with him. But he was with me and so there was nothing to fear. No spirit could harm me if he was here.
He was my god.
"It is all in the mind." He chuckled.
"How can you say that. You think there was no demon? No miracle?" I choked, Looking up at him.
The expression on his face was one of slight amusement as if what I was projecting as true was inconceivable to him_ like a fictional movie with too many loopholes to sound real to a right thinking person.
"Do you believe in all the miracle stories? Please Don't tell me that you do. That you believe in God, in religion?" He half laughed shaking his head the way elders did when they thought you doomed. "They are all fallacies princess."
"You are a priest." I said as if to remind him of who he is. It was in that moment I realized that I had been scared, that I was feeling fear.
An unexplainable amount of fear flowed through my system causing my heart to beat slowly and then fast all at once. My hands shook.
"The world needs us and I need the priesthood. I had nothing going on for me. No family no respect. The priesthood gives you this. Do you really believe in God? Can you explain this believe?"
"I feel it. I feel it in my bones." I answered. It was the best I could do, to feel. "God has been repainted I know but he is there, somewhere. I know this." I added but I was starting to doubt.
He made me doubt everything even my own sanity. He was eating deep into my senses, turning me in out, shaking me, destroying me from the inside and I let him.
"Nothing is real. Not life nor death. Not heaven nor hell. Life itself is hell and death is infinity. Only those who see these fallacies survive. The world is a jungle and we are all animals."
"And the bible?"
"The bible if read well is just as confusing as the doctrines that came out of it. The old and the New testament jumbled, illogical with so much loopholes. But let's not talk about religion princess" He whispered, taking down the duvet that covered my naked body. "I see my soul in you" he said as he kissed me deeply. His body on mine, a fire I loved.
"You are the God I see now. Worship me while I worship you. We are all there is now. You, I, darkness and red."
His pulled me on top so his words were not the only thing that went deep into me and destroyed me. With every thrust I closed my eyes and shut it to light. He was right after all, God didn't save me when he broke my hymen.