The Wedding Ring
A man who was born and bred in Woodbridge, went to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis.
According to the nurse attending the operation, the patient's girlfriend found the ring in his pants pocket.
She didn't know he was married and she was so mad she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep.
I don't know what's worse:
1) Having your girl friend find out you're married.
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.
OR...
3) Finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.
Tough call. You decide.
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Manners and Nature's call
Trying to teach good manners, a teacher asked her students:
'Kairam, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'
Kairam said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'
The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite'
What about you Jarosh, how would you say it ?'
Jarosh said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'
'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table..
And you, Varun, can you use your brains for once, and show us any good manners that you may have?'
Varun said, "I would say: Darling, please may I be excused for a moment? A friend just called, I have to shake him a little and whom I hope to introduce to you, after dinner in bed."
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BEDTIME PRAYER FOR LADIES
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray for a man, who is not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart, and strong
And one who's willy is thick and long.
One who thinks before he speaks
When he promises to call, he won't wait for weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed
And when I spend his cash, he wont be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair, and opens my door
Massages my back, and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who will make love to my mind
Knows what to say when I ask "How big's my behind"?
One who'll make love till my body's a twitching,
In the hall, the loo, the garden, and kitchen!
I pray this man will love me 'till no end
And never attempts to shag my best friend.
And as I kneel and pray beside my bed
I look at the Shit Head you sent me instead!
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Consummate the marriage
Lena and Sven got married in St. Paul. They planned to honeymoon in Lena's aunt's cabin in Duluth. They caught a bus that was filled with deer hunters.
About 30 minutes out of St. Paul the bus broke down right next to a nice hotel. Sven said to Lena,
"Lena, there's a comfortable hotel right here. How about consummating our marriage?"
Lena replied, "No. I vant to wait till ve get to Duluth."
The repaired bus took off. Fifty miles down the road, it broke down again. This time it was next to a good looking motel.
Sven turned to Lena and asked, "Look Lena, there's a nice motel, how about ve consummate our marriage?"
Lena said, "No. I vant to wait till ve get to Duluth."
The bus was repaired and off they went.
Ten miles down the road, the bus broke down again. This time they were out in the woods. However, there was a little clearing out of the sight of the bus.
Lena turned to Sven, "I think we should go back into the woods and do it."
Later when they returned the bus, Sven asked Lena, "Earlier we vere next to a nice hotel and you said 'No'. Then, ve
vere by a motel and you said 'No'. But, here ve vent out into the grassy voods and did it. Why?"
Lena said, "I was listening to the hunters. They said if the bus broke down again, the fucking season vould be over."