2 Priests on a Hawaiian vacation
Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation, They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them.
They couldn't help but stare.
As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good Morning Father, Good Morning Father,' nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.
They were both stunned.
How in the world did she know they were priests?
So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, after a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different coloured topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.
Again she nodded at each of them, said 'Good morning Father, Good morning Father,' and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.' 'Yes, Father?'
'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?' She replied, 'Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen.'
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Students at the local school were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic' and 'My Life' by Bill clinton
One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!
His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.
Titanic: Cost - $29.99
Clinton : Cost - $29.99
Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton : Over 3 hours to read
Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love and
subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love and
subsequent catastrophe.
Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist.
Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton: Ditto for Bill.
Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton: Ditto for Monica.
Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton: Let's not go there.
Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton: Monica is forced to return her gifts.
Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember Jack.
Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton: Monica…..Ooh, let's not go there, either.
Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing!
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Sex and Funny Quotes
"You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither!" - Drew Carey
"I know nothing about sex because I was always married." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
"My wife is a sex object. Everytime I ask for sex, she objects." - Les Dawson
"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences that money can buy."- Steve Martin
"I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own." - Woody Allen
"My best birth control now is to leave the lights on." - Joan Rivers
"My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty." - Woody Allen
"What's the three words you never want to hear while making love? Honey, I'm home." - Ken Hammond
"The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money costs less." - Brendan Francis
"Love is the answer – but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions." - Woody Allen
"I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic." - Woody Allen
"I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away." - Phyllis Diller
"Humans are the only animal who can have sex over the phone." - Dave Letterman
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex – no matter what she's reading." - Steve Jobs
"Sex is like art. Most of it is pretty bad, and the good stuff is out of your price range." - Scott Roeben
"Women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place." - Billy Crystal