Black Eye
Roy, an undertaker, recently came home with a black eye.
"What happened to you?" asked his wife.
"I had a terrible day." replied Roy. "I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep. When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection.
Anyway, I went up and sure enough there was this big naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection. So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half."
"I see" said his wife, "but how did you get the black eye?"
Roy replied: "Wrong room."
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Three blondes are talking about their boyfriends.
"It's funny," says Samantha, "Peter's balls are always cold as ice when I'm giving him a blowjob!"
"You know what?" replies Jenny, "It's exactly the same with my Richard!"
They turn to the third blonde and ask: "When you blow Chris, are his balls cold, also?"
"Ugh! That's disgusting! I never put his thing in my mouth!"
"You're crazy," one of the blondes pipes up. "A good blowjob is the best way to keep a guy! You should try it!"
She says she'll think about it.
The next morning, they meet at the cafe and the blowjob novice is sporting a wicked shiner.
"Whoa!" the first blonde asks, "How did you get that black eye?!"
"Chris hit me when I was blowing him," she said.
"What on earth for?!" the second blonde asks.
"I don't know," she replies. "All I did was tell him how strange it was that his balls were so warm, seeing as Pete and Richard's are so cold!"
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The Magic Wand
Fred had been divorced twice after his wives cheated on him, so he decided the only way to get a faithful wife was to marry someone who knew nothing of sex. And he meant nothing! He moved to the mountains and found himself a simple, innocent girl needless to say she was very good looking and Fred married her.
On their wedding night, he told her about his "magic wand", and how no one else in the entire world had one. Sure enough, she was enraptured with the "magic" feelings it brought her, and she and Fred were very happy.
But Fred needed to make a living, and he finally had to go out of town on a business trip, but his innocent wife knew only he had a "magic wand", so he left feeling safe.
Yet when he got home, he could tell there was something different about his wife, and she was ready to confront him.
"You told me you were the only man in the world with a magic wand," she said.
"Yes..." he started to answer.
"But I found out that Jerry has a magic wand too!" she said, clearly upset.
"Well yeah," Fred stammered. "Jerry is my best friend, and I had two magic wands, so I thought I should give him one of them."
With that, she burst in to tears.
"What's wrong?" Fred asked, perplexed.
"Well why," she said through her sobs, "did you have to give him the good one?"