A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time.
After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around to asking her how often she has sex.
"Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday," she says.
The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday.
"I can't," says the woman. "That's the only night I'm home with my husband."
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A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling
Back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches,
"Can I help you Sir?"
"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr", the man replies.
The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasss on the end of thisshh key", the man replies.
About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's wiener hanging Out of his fly for all the world to see.
He asks the man, "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without Missing a beat, blurts out....
"Holy shit! My girlfriend's gone, too!!"
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Actions speak for themselves
A young man, out on the tiles with his mates, spies the girl of his Dreams across a dance floor. Having admired her from afar, he finally gets up the courage to talk to her. Everything goes better than expected and she agrees to accompany him on a date the following Saturday evening.
Saturday night, the young man arrives at her house with a bunch of flowers and a box of chocolates. To his surprise, she answers the door in nothing but a towel. 'I'm sorry' she exclaims, 'I'm running a bit late. Please come in and I'll introduce you to my parents who will entertain you while I finish dressing. I should warn you though, they are both deaf mutes." With this, she ushers him into the living room, introduces him to her parents and
promptly disappears.
As you can imagine, this is a little uncomfortable as both of the parents are completely silent. Dad is sitting in his armchair watching football on TV and Mum is busy knitting.
After about 10 minutes of complete silence, Mum jumps from her chair, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her knickers and pours a glass of water over her backside. Just as sudden, Dad launches himself across the room, bends her over the couch and takes her from behind. He then sits back in his chair and balances a match stick in front of his eye.
The room is plunged back into eerie silence and the young man is shocked into disbelief. After a further ten minutes, the daughter returns fully dressed and ready for the evening. The date is a complete disaster. The young man is totally pre-occupied by the antics of the young lady's Parents.
At the end of the date, sensing something is seriously wrong, the young lady asks the young guy, "What's the matter? What have I done wrong?"
*'No, it's not you", he replied, "It's just that the strangest thing happened whilst I was waiting for you and I'm still shocked. Well, first your Mother jumps from her chair, lifts up her skirt, pulls down her panties and throws a glass of water over her behind. Then, as if that wasn't enough, your father races from his chair, leans her over the couch and does her from behind. He then sits back and places a match stick by his eye".
'Oh, is that all?' replies the girl.*
*
*
The man can't believe her casual response.
'Mum was simply saying 'Are you going to get this asshole a drink?' And Dad was replying 'No f *ck him, I'm watching the match'
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The Birthday Wish
A waiter was working one night, when a beautiful Blonde was seated in his section. He went over to take her order, and saw that she was crying.
"What's wrong, miss? Are you ok?" he asked.
Wiping tears from her eyes, she looked up at him and said, "My boyfriend just dumped me, and today is my birthday. Nice gift, isn't it?"
The waiter talked with her a few moments, and was able to get her to stop crying. He kept a close eye on her, and when she had finished her meal, he went into the kitchen, cut a large slice from the best cake on the menu, and stuck a candle in it. He lit the candle, and brought it to her table. She looked very happy, and he was glad. He said, "Make a wish and blow!"
She closed her eyes, and made her wish. Then she came up to the waiter, got down on her knees, unzipped his pants, pulled out his cock, and started sucking on it. He had no idea why she was doing this, but she was really into it, sucking away, and playing with his balls. He knew that he should stop her-they didn't even know each others names-but hey, when you've got a hot blonde sucking on your cock, like you're really going to say, no don't
suck it.
He stood there, enjoying every moment, and when she made him cum, he exploded inside her mouth, and she swallowed every drop of his huge, hot load. She looked up at him with a smile, and said, "Did you like it?"
He said, "Yes, of course, you suck cock great... but I'm just wondering why you suddenly started sucking my cock?"
She looked confused. "Well, I was just doing what you told me to."
Now he's confused. "What I told you to?"
Smiling, she says, "Don't tell me you forgot already... *You said, 'Make a wish and blow!'"