A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis are sitting at a bar complaining about their lives. The cucumber says, "My life sucks. I'm put in salads, and, to top them off, they pour ranch dressing all over me. My life sucks." The pickle says, "That's nothing compared to my life. I'm put in vinegar and stored away for months, out of sight. Man, my life is boring. I hate life." So the penis says, "What are you guys complaining about? My life is so messed up that I feel like shooting myself. They constantly wrap me in a plastic bag, shove me in a cave, and make me do push-ups until I throw up.
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An old lady went to visit her dentist. When it was her turn, she sat in the chair, lowered her underpants, and raised her legs. The dentist said, "Excuse me, but I'm not a gynecologist." "I know," said the old lady. "I want you to take my husband's teeth out.
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A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that tiny hole." The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to slip the dying worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from Grandma.
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An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients… As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.
He gave her his name. In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,
"YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE;
YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the the older man.
Responding quickly, and in a loud voice he replied,
'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'
The room erupted in applause!
DON'T MESS WITH THE OLD FOLKS!
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Tarzan and Jane hitting it off?
One day, Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him what he did for sex.
"What's that" he asked. She explained to him what sex was and he said "Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree". Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly". She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground and spread her legs wide.
"Here," she said, "You must put it in here". Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony.
Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?"
"Just checking for bees" said Tarzan.
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We are already 2 years together with my girlfriend and decided to get married.
My parents helped as much as they could and all my friends said
it's a really good idea! My girlfriend?
She is a dream! But there is something that bothers me!
This something is her little sister… This is my future 20 years old sister-in-law ,
wearing a super skinny, mini skirts and short blouses.
Always lean ahead and I was often lucky to see her underwear.
She never did that in front of someone else!
One day she calls me and asks me to go home to see the wedding invitations.
When I arrived she was alone.
She whispered that soon I get married and that she has feelings for me
for long time and that she thinks she can't overcome them.
She also said that she desperately wanted to have sex with me just once before I marry her sister.
I was shocked and could not say a word…
She said to me that she goes to bed and asked if I wanted to go up with her.
I froze and looked at her going up the stairs.
Going up, she took her panties off and threw it at me. I stayed there for a moment
and then ran to the door. I opened it and I walked to the car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside with tears in his eyes,
hugged me and said:
"I'm glad you passed this little test and I am sure that my daughter could not find a better man.
Welcome to the family, my son!"
Moral Lesson: Always keep your condoms in your car!