I had never felt so happy in my entire life! This little person came from my body. He looked just like his father. A Rooster in Chinese Zodiacs and a Leo in American Zodiacs. He is everything I ever wished for. I was okay with waking up at night to feed him. I didn't get the post pardum depression that people talk about. But I did get something else.
I started to feel uneasy and feel presence of things I don't think we're actually there. Have you ever felt that way? I don't think most people have. I thought I could live with it. Because I already had anxiety. It's just a little extra than I already had. One night I even " Imagined" a creature on top of my son's crib while he was asleep. We have cameras in our home. So I was looking at his room that night. I shook that off.
I began working at a car wash soon after he was born. I started to see dark figures in the car wash tunnel. No, it was not the rotating columns. One night I got off late and it became very dark outside. I am supposed to wear glasses when I drive at night. But I lost my last pair. I started to feel that familiar scary feeling of something being behind me. I looked in my dash mirror and there was an old woman with no actual face ( It had holes for eyes and a mouth) screaming. But I didn't hear any screaming. That was when I decided something had to be done.
I told my man about it and all he could say was " okay..". So I called my foster mom crying. She told me I might need to try therapy. I had been in therapy before and it has never worked. I felt so hopeless. All this stress was finally breaking me. I don't feel like it had anything to do with my son or his birth. If anything, he was honestly taking away from my stress.
It was my man's daughters, his parents, his lack on understanding, his ex and now one of his friends had moved into our house and been sleeping on the couch. That along with my past trauma as a child had finally all gotten me.
This all coming at me at once drove me to try to find attention from other guys. It's not that I didn't love my man. He just was not affectionate or understanding of what I was going through. I didn't have any friends. So I tried to find someone over a language learning app that would understand and give me words of reassurance. At one point I even seriously considered moving out on my own with our son. Because everyone in that house was adding more stress. I know that sounds selfish and at that point I felt like I deserved to be selfish for once in my life.
After a lot of discussions, crying and going through almost a day of being broken up, we worked things out. I knew I loved him and I wanted to work everything out. So we worked hard at it. Or at least I did. I also had to earn his trust back. Since I had talked to other guys and I ended up flirting with one of them. Hey, we've all done not pretty stuff in our lives. It's not like I cheated.