Dear loved one
It is not a burning desire you see
It is merely a spark
From two mossy stones
I've locked my door for three days straight, mother puts food in front of the door everyday, and I left the empty bowl there. I did say that I have no dad, not anymore. He's dead long ago. My real dad is just a porcelain mask I created myself since I was a child, and I gave it to that despicable human for him to wear for years, so I could adore the mask and ignore the lurking monster behind it.
I have no purpose in this world. I had once, chasing my perfect dad to eternity. But it disappeared into thin air. I was daydreaming, and when I woke up, it is all thorny.
'Then, why am I still here? Chasing butterfly?'
When I see myself in the mirror, I want to gauge my own eyes. It has the same color with that bastard. I want to tear my skin because this is the skin inherited from him. I hate this hair has been patted by him since my birth. I don't want this whole existence created by him. In the end, what I truly want is to vanish from this world.
I don't want to kill myself. Because my body will still be there, I will rot in my grave, but my existence is still there, though not living and looked very pitiful. I want to vanish from this wicked world without any trace.
Joseph keeps calling me every day. He asks me why I'm not going to school, why I left him before, why I said no for something I've always longing for. I never answer any calls from him, all messages left without reply. Yes, I am a lovebird, but because of these horrible things and dangers lurks around us, I don't think we can be a joyful lovebird. To think about it, when was the thought of me being a free bird with joy existed? I won't have that pair of wing to fly.
It was foolish of me to get myself go overboard and let my ego took over. I shouldn't have fallen in love with anyone after all. That joyful feeling is really strong. No, not in me, I mean in him. He keeps latching to an ugly girl with no sense of fun. There are dozens of girls, bright and beautiful, but he chooses someone like me.
Is this what they call as empty? I said it before, but I don't really know what is it all about. I feel nothing, I'm afraid of nothing, but I also expect nothing good. My leg is moving, my mouth keeps chomping any meal, my eyes keeps blinking.
But I feel nothing.
I recall my short-lived happy life. It might be only for a month or so, but I'm truly happy. What does Diana do at this hour? Does she still remember me? How about Joseph…
I remember when I fall in love with him. It was weird. He is weird. He smeared everything with vegemite. He acted cool and composed. He is smart, but all that are just a stationary within his body. The reason why I fall for someone so average is because he actually cares for me. He loves me as a person, and he is persistent about it.
People say a couple should know each other better. But I don't want him to know me more. Because there is nothing better will come out from it. It is just bitter memories that I don't want to keep but stay inside of me. In the end, I want him to go.
Why don't you go? Why are you so persistent?
I'm ugly, full of disgusting secret
I'm nothing.
I want to say that to him. It's just that… his face is full of hope, and glittering eyes of someone in love. I don't have the heart to say it. I'm a hypocrite, right? I said something like heart, love, happy. While I'm actually just a disgusting person, and I help a psychopath to hide her crimes. I won't deny it. I am a disgusting person. I let my best friend's dad being murdered, helping my mother to kill my own dad, stomping my little sister until she is wounded badly. I won't deny that I'm also a malicious person. I've sinned. But I guess, God doesn't exist, after all, sin is not something I need to care for.
I'm searching for the last ruin of my reason to live. What do I have now? Dysfunctional family. I lost my only friend, I let mother kill my dad. My sister is as sick as mother. Joseph is everything I have. No, his feeling towards this disgusting girl is, I only have that. But I know the consequence of letting him advances.
He calls me again, and again, and again. This is his seventh call today, and I silenced my phone after his second call. Right now, I sit beside mother and Alska who watch an old cartoon. Alska laughs like it is the funniest thing she ever watches, and mother just smiles. They watch old cartoon about cat and mouse fighting and beating each other. I see nothing funny in that thing. It is too violent.
I notice mother glances every time I look at my phone. So, I put it down, to clear the suspicion. Mother smiles at Alska and me few times, she is truly happy. She has her purest smile after seven years. I'd be lying if I say I don't like it. In fact, I'm really grateful that mother spends times with Alska. Although to bring that smile, there must be a painful sacrifice of my old dream.
Alska's wounds are slowly healed, but she is still energetic and eager. However, I understand that I can't protect her like the way I did before. She is slowly transformed into the little replica of mother. It does scare me, but I need to stay by her side, and I need to protect her in a different way.
"Big Andra! Are you okay?" Alska pinches my cheek. I look at her bright eyes, it is always calming, no matter what scary things are hidden beneath that. "I'm okay."
"Okay! Let's have a tea party together~."
"Tea party? With mom too?" mother interrupts. Alska nods happily.
"Of course! It will be fun! I will bring many guests, Mrs. Branna, Mr. Guilo, Mrs. Chocho!" Says Alska, pointing out her dolls, "I will bring Smelly too! Big Andra, I give your gift a name, her name is smelly! Because she smells, but I still love her!"
Yes, she still keeps that kitten carcass which is rotting day by day, and it smells really awful. But she loves it so much that I can't throw it away. She even slept with it. I don't know if it is such a pure love or strange ignorance. But Alska loves it, that's all really matters for now. I sit beside the rotten kitten carcass. It's unsettling on how Alska dresses the kitten in a small Barbie dress, squeezing the nasty kitten and creates an even grotesque image.
The tea party isn't as fun as it should be, probably because mother has been eyeing me for the whole hour. Her eyes are searching for something, and I have to admit that I know what kind of thing she searches for. I shift my gaze there and there, just to avoid any eye contact with mother.
After that tea party, I spend the whole night staring at my phone. 40 missed calls from him. He has been doing this after I run away from him. I guess it is my fault for giving a vague answer. He texts me over and over, asking what am I doing, or just asking if he can meet me. I just can't answer it.
However, this is midnight already, and he keeps calling. I want to close my phone again, but my heart says that I must stop him from doing this, for his own good. I answer his call.
"Andra! God, finally you answer me," Joseph sounds pretty anxious there. "What happened? Why aren't you coming to school? Are you sick or something?"
"I'm… fine." I reply doubtfully. I mean, I'm definitely not fine, but what can I say?
After that, Joseph keeps talking about anything irrelevant, as if he just wants to talk to me. I'm mostly silent for the whole call, but in the end, he asks to meet me. I want to say no again. I want to keep quiet, but it will be another vague answer for him. So I agree. I will meet him and end it all.
"Nice. When and where should we meet?" he asks.
"… Now, in the park near the school."
"Now? This is midnight… but okay, I will be there as fast as possible."
This is the perfect time to meet him. Mother and Alska are asleep, so they won't catch me. I take the keys up on the wooden shelf. I ride my bicycle to go there as fast as possible. When I arrive at this old park, no one is here. Joseph texts me, saying that he'll arrive soon. I sit in the very same spot on the bench when I end it all with Diana. I will end it here too because Joseph is just like Diana, he is one of the broken fragment of my happy moments.
It feels so soon, the dried tears Diana shed a month ago is still there. I put my hand on the spot she sat. The warm and almost dreamy hug I got from her, it lingers in my mind. When will I have that warm hug again? My head turns when I hear a sound of familiar scooter. Joseph look a bit worn out with messy hair, he draws near me.
"S—so, I want to ask you about your answer…"
'I don't like you. Get off from my life. You are disgusting. I hate you. Leave and never come back,' those thoughts I've build a few minutes ago vanished just now. I lost of words when I see his face. He still has that glimmering hope. His face is worn out, with eye bags and paler skin. But I still see it, how can I ignore it if he has something I craved for. How can I say harsh thing if he has that face?
"Maybe it was too fast for me to say that, but I just want to make sure that you are there."
"I'm… always here," I reply doubtfully. I don't understand what he said, I'm always here, and I never go anywhere.
"You are not. Your thought flies somewhere, and you never listen to anything in the school… I thought, saying that would make you feel better," he says, "I'm sorry."
Oh please, why do you make such a sad face? And what's with that sorry? It burdens me even more.
"I'm okay…" I murmur about all the rejection words I need to spout to him, so he will be mad and hate me. It will be over, easy. But this mouth says other thing, "I—I don't know what to say."
"You don't know?" Joseph starts staring at me intensely. He really seeks for answer. If I were just your regular girl, I would definitely say yes, and hug him like those romantic couples in the movie. But my life isn't regular, and this is not a romantic movie.
"Just… don't get near me anymore. I want you to go and… and…" I gulp my sorrow and spout this word, "Get a girl you truly desire." Ah, I hold my tears. But this must be done.
"That's not an answer," Joseph looks dissatisfied, he tries to hold my hand, but I immediately refuse it. He sighs deeply, "I don't know what to do about this, Andra." Joseph sits beside me, on the spot Diana had sat before. "I love you, and you know that. But you can't give me an answer. If you ask me to get a girl I truly desire, it is you."
"There are plenty of girls that's prettier and brighter…" I say. He shakes his head slowly.
"I like you because you never see me as a weird person. I mean, I ride a white-pink Vespa, I'm obsessed with vegemite, and most importantly, I don't blend well with the crowd." Joseph stares at my face, his face is so dreamy and soft. "Why is it so difficult to say yes?"
"I—I can't, I just can't," I try to collect my fear. If I have enough fear, I won't think about betraying mother and Alska again, I fear the consequence, and I can let Joseph go. However, I can feel his hand slowly touching mine. His hand is cold, but really tender. I should brush his hand off, but I feel weakened. My mind is getting fuzzy.
"I… don't know if you'll like it, but…" Joseph closes his eyes and his face gets closer, I don't know what to do, but when a kiss planted on my lips. I close my eyes. This warm and fuzzy feeling, it's a long and awkward kiss, but there are stars above my head, spinning aimlessly. I feel shocked and dizzy, but so warm that I want more. This is my first kiss, and it's beautiful.
Then I realize this is just a nice sugarcoat for my fear. I open my eyes widely, I push Joseph until he falls to the ground. Joseph looks perplexed. He looks at me, and his eyes are questioning my action. I shake my head. "This is not happening, this is not happening…"
"Andra, are you okay?" he stands up and tries to approach me. Each step he advances, I take one step back.
"Why did you—"
"Kiss you? I thought… you can give an answer after that," Joseph looks okay with it, in fact, he looks happy. But for me? I'm petrified. I did a horrible thing to let my guard down once again.
"This shouldn't be happening," I tremble. Joseph tries to hold me, but I push him and run to my bicycle. I can hear him calling me, asking me to stay. But I don't look back and leave him behind. However, I hear one short sentence from afar, "I won't give up." He says.
I curse him because of that single sentence. I cycle through the night, but I fear nothing other than his bright love. I curse him because he keeps trying, even though I try to reject him over and over.
I enter my house quietly and sneak to my room. I'm drenched in cold sweat, my body is still trembling, and I don't know what to do. Then, I hear my phone loudly ring in my pocket. I slowly take it out, only to find the same name I feared. He calls me again, and again, and again. I grip my phone tightly, then throw it on the ground until its parts scattered around the floor. I can't sleep at all, but I shroud my body with blanket. Tonight, even the sound of a critter is like a whisper of the devil for me.