"What did you do?" I squeeze her shoulder tightly. No pain in her face, even though I press her shoulder hard. There is a pure smile hanging on her face. "I want to protect Big Andra! So I want to protect you from that meanie!"
"Meanie? What do you mean meanie?"
"Mom said, if I see Big Andra scared and talking to meanie and evil doll, I should protect her! We can wait for mom to come!"
"You— locked him?" Alska nods excitedly. "But he doesn't do any wrong, why?"
"Because you look scared, Big Andra. So I help you to kill that meanie!" Alska giggles as if it is a funny thing. "Mom will come, and she will stab his face! And we will eat nice food today! Mom is happiest when she plays with knife!"
Alska just said all that, with that pure voice of hers, with that bright, blue eyes and small, fragile body. "Don't worry! Mom will open my door, she has key too!"
No, I never raise her like this. I never raise a monster. But how can she become this… I never teach her violence. No.
I want to punch her, kick her, and drown her in the toilet. But what I do is left her. I knock the door. I can't hide my shaky voice. "Joseph, can you— break the window?" I instruct him. This door is hard to break. What he can do is break the window and run… just run from this hell.
"What's wrong?" he asks naively.
"Please, break the window and run… you're in danger."
"Danger? Is this another game from Alska?"
"RUN!" I screamed out my frustration. A brief silence from inside the room, then, I hear he rushes around the room. A few minutes later, he knocks the door. "The window has fence. Andra, what kind of danger is this? Should I call police?"
"NO!" I frustratingly hold my fear. I might be unconscious from these overwhelming fears. "I beg you… please, I beg you… don't, they are everything for me, don't call the police." I whimper just like at that time. I show my weakness, which I never show to anyone.
"What is this?" Joseph sounds flustered and scared at the same time. Just like me, but he is the one in danger. He just doesn't realize it, yet. He asks what danger, but can I really tell him the truth? I'm too scared to even open my mouth.
It has been only a long silence, hours passed without any voice from both of us. Alska eats her cake lightheartedly. Not knowing how much danger she puts on both of us. I lean on the door. I can hear his heartbeat through this door. Although unclear, I expect him to be really nervous. Funny, how a single door can lead to our demise. I hear no police arrives. I guess he really doesn't call the police.
Someone open the front door. Mother with a bright smile, bring us cake in her left hand. Alska runs to mother, telling something I perfectly know, and that smile vanished into thin air. She gives the cake to Alska. She heads toward me. Each tap of her heels makes my body feels smaller. I hold her hand, attempting for a mercy. I beg for forgiveness. I beg her to stop. All that is just a struggle for nothing. I have no power. Mother slaps my face hard until my head goes numb for a few seconds.
She uses the spare key to open the door. There, I see terrified Joseph when he sees mother for the very first time. He knows her real intention, her love for grudge. He tries to beg for mercy, just like me. Mother is smiling, the same fake smile she had before, but more sinister. She carries absolute anger.
Mother points a gun at him. She pulls his shirt and kicks him in the face. I squeak every time she does that. Mother points a gun to both of us. She gathers us in the living room. I sit across Joseph, but that's not enough for mother. She lets Alska sits beside her. She asks Alska to take the knife in the kitchen, and then give it to Joseph, which he accepts awkwardly.
"Kill my daughter," says mother lightly. A sinister smirk shocked me even more. She points the gun at him, "Or I will shoot you in the head."
'Me? She wants Joseph to kill… me?'
'Her own daughter…'
"Oh god, she's your daughter!" Joseph resists her demand. Then, I heard a bang from the gun. No, none of us actually died. She misses on purpose to scare Joseph. "W—what is this? I come here to meet Andra. Diana said you're a gentle woman, ma'am."
"Diana? How naïve. I killed her dad, sliced his throat, then pull his heart and give it to your lover," explain mother shamelessly. She glances at me, which makes my blood runs even colder. "She is lying to you."
"Mother, please, I beg you. You can kill me, but let him go," I urged his way out. But my mouth got shut when I hear another bang near me. She doesn't take offering kindly.
"Do you know how disgusting you sounded when you said that?" mocks mother. She becomes even scarier than before. Did I say something wrong? Did I just anger her more? I cannot think straight. I just want this to be over with him still alive. "Now, you lovebird should play in the carnage. You, kill Andra or there will be bullet in your skull."
Joseph and I stare at each other, doubtful. He glances at mother few times, still, hasn't move from his position. I hear a 'click' from the trigger. Joseph finally stands from his position. I have this mixed feeling of fear and hope. I wish he runs to the front door and never come back. However, he does the opposite. He approaches me with the knife mother usually use. His body is trembling, his hand is sweating, and his grip on the knife is weak.
"I love you. But I want my life, I want to live…"
Joseph plunges the knife to my face. But my body moves by itself. I kick Joseph until he loses his balance. I back off step by step, slowly. I don't want to believe this. What kind of joke is this? Joseph walks slowly to me, his hand is still holding the knife tightly. As if he doesn't want to fail for the second time.
'You said… you loved me.'
He slashes the knife in front of me, but I dodge it.
"I've always loved you, I thought it was mutual.'
He slashes the knife again, but it is even more powerful.
'Why don't you turn back and attack mother… why me?'
He starts thrashing like a wild ape, uncoordinated.
'This is not love… you just want your Andra, not this Andra…'
He loses his balance twice, and his position is vulnerable. So I strike, I snatch the knife. He is open wide. So I did it. I stab him in the heart. I pull the knife and stab him again in the neck. There is only shock, no remorse from his face. He falls to my chest. In his last breath, I hug him dearly.
'I… killed you…'
'I trusted you. Why did you betray me?'
'Do you know what happened to my diamond?'
'It shattered.'
I bury my face deep in his shoulder. He is still warm, but there is no breath, no heartbeat. I hug his corpse even tighter. My very first hug and he is nothing but corpse. The fate is really cruel to us. It plays with our hearts, juggling it and matches us in an awkward situation. But fate knows nothing about pain. It just matches two unfortunates.
"Perfect. Just perfect."
Mother congratulates me with three slow claps. Alska also claps excitedly. They both look proud. I grip the knife tightly. I hold myself with weird feeling in my heart. My heart burns, and it's excruciating. It feels like being toyed with acid and fire. I hold it tightly because it might explode.
"I love it," Mother smiles brightly, "You stab him mercilessly, in the heart and neck."
I hold it. I don't want it to explode, please no.
"Should we eat his heart? Brain? I will give you the best part."
Alska doesn't help at all. She is just a fuel to this fire. I glare at them, especially mother. This feeling is excruciating, like an endless torment. A minute is an hour, and hour is day. I cannot keep it by myself. I want to stop this torment. I want to end this pain. The man I just killed is just a trigger for something I always have.
I lash out.
I jump on mother. I pin her to the ground with me sitting on top of her belly. I look at Alska who is surprised but doesn't intend to stop me. Then I glare at mother. She is indifferent. Her laugh disappears, but she fears nothing. I point the knife in her face. The knife is really close to her eyes, but she doesn't blink at all.
"Go on, this is my wish," says mother calmly, "And this is what you want," she says again, with her smirk.
"You… you bitch!"
I stab her in the liver. She screams in pain. "You did this! You make me kill someone! You… YOU ARE THE MONSTER!" I scream out all of my endless agony. I just want this pain in my chest to end. All I want is this horrible nightmare to end. I stab her again in the lung. Another scream of agony fills the house. After a brief silence, I hear laughing from the very same person who screams just now.
"What's funny?" I stop my knife. She doesn't answer, and continue to laugh maniacally. "WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING?"
No answer. She just laughs. She laughs the loudest ever since the day I was born. This is her happiest laugh. I don't understand. I don't understand at all.
'What so funny?'
I continue to stab her again and again.
'Stop laughing!'
I stab her heart repeatedly. Even though she is on the edge of her life, she is still laughing. And it's not an ironic laugh. She sounds extremely happy.
'You must scream. You must be in pain! You must beg for forgiveness.'
'WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING!'
The last stab ends her laugh. But her wide mouth and unblinking eyes will never leave my mind. She ends her life with her happiest moment. After a while, the pain in my chest starts fading and I realize it just now. The excruciating pain I had in my heart is just like hers. It is anger and grudge. I'm the same, I just hold it a little longer. But I'm just like her, the one with rotten, dysfunctional heart. I kill for releasing that pain in my chest. But it will crave for more, as I will never be satisfied.
"B—big Andra—" Alska tries to touch me with her small fingers. I smile at her. I strike her hair with my bloody palm gently. She closes her eyes and then rubs her cheek to my palm.
"It is okay Alska, Big Andra will protect you," I say softly. She calms down and hugs me.
"Mom always said, Big Andra will kill her later, so I must help Big Andra. I must help Big Andra eating mom's corpse. I must always go with Big Andra, so she will not be lonely after mom dies." She confesses all the brainwash mother had done to her. She is still my innocent little sister after all. I loved her. "And I must give you a key in the drawer after mom dies."
"Big Andra is here. Mother will be happy, we will eat her heart later," I kiss her forehead. "Will you help me?" I whisper to her, "Bring me the key."
Alska rushes to mother's room. I stare at two corpses near me. Joseph's corpse is still there, with blood leaked from his wound. And mother's corpse with blood all over her body and near unrecognizable face. I did it. I kill two people that are important in my life. But I regret nothing. I killed my mother, I stab her repeatedly, and I enjoy every thrill of it.
I head to my room, takes the ceramic box mother gave for my birthday. Alska calls me from downstairs. She has the key in her hand. I take a deep breath and open the box with the key mother promised before.
There is a photo inside. Photo of mother, Alska, and I hugging together near a Christmas tree. Mother hugs Alska who is around three years old. And there is a note behind it. I read a small note from her. She wrote it two years ago, and she already knew this tragedy is fated.
After eleven years, I drop my tears. Alska hugs me, not knowing why do I cry. I finally know what kind of love mother has to Alska and me. What hopes she wants us to bear and her only wishes for us, especially me, her beloved daughter. I cry like the little baby I was. I hold the photo and keep it in my pocket. No one should know this photo and the note, other than Alska and I, her daughters. For the last time, I will protect my mother.
I reach the telephone and dial the number I should've dialed since the beginning.
"Hello, 911."