Does being a 'Fujoshi' that unfitting?
I mean enjoying the homoerotica between men is such a crime that I end up being an outcast?
Everyone has turned their backs on me when they found out I enjoy reading BL genre, saying that I was disgusting.
But whatever...
I already got over the fact that everyone in my peers hates me and now I stand alone as an outcast.
Honestly, it's hard being an outcast just because I like yaoi stuff from head to my very toes. Pretty shallow but society's mindset is just so...
My so-called true friends left me. My classmates started to ignore me. They would talk behind my back once I walk past them in the corridors or anywhere in the school. I was alone... and lonely.
I became paranoid. Self-conscious and anxious of every judgemental eyes in the range of my senses. And on a daily basis, I have my worn-out clinging positivity bare the cold empty space of my outcast reality.
I wanted to reach out and scream, beg, cry, kneel... so many words dying to be heard, I can't say them all at once from this deep well of desperation. I just wanted to get out...get out of this place inside of my head.
It ruined me and affected my daily routine as a person. I was lost.
Though, it was all how it felt in the beginning.
I was always told that one wasn't born to please everyone and just be myself.
I live up by it now.
So, I want to introduce myself as Dan Hyo-Rin. I am eighteen years old and this is my second time being an eleventh grader. I would have been a high school graduate candidate this year but I repeated a year.
Err... You could say that last year was when 'it' all started. So yeah...
Well anyway...
I am 'the' school outcast. I came to learn and love this place inside my head I can only live in, even.
And I, Dan Hyo-Rin, swear by my name that I will always support the 'fandom' and fully commit myself as a proud Fujoshi.
'All hail Fujoshis!'
Prudes can eat up their sorry arse remarks because they can never trample on my parade ever again.
Like it will ever happen. Scoff.
'All hail me!'
I am invincible. I am gold. I am Dan Hyo-Rin.
And only my older brother...
...can take me down...
Eeek! I almost forgot. I am right in the middle of our brother-sister counselling.
I live alone with my brother in an apartment a few blocks from the school I attend. Our parents are company staffs and out for a major business trip. Probably, they would be back after a few months before the year ends.
My brother and I were inside the living room, I was right there kneeling in front of him, while he was sitting on the sofa, one hand holding a piece of A4 paper in front of him and the other hand pinching the bridge of his nose.
The way his back was straightened up and poised with his knees apart was intimidating. He gave off the ambience that the night won't go as I wish it could be.
I was already nervously sweating. The hem of my school uniform skirt was getting soaked and crumpled from the sweat of my clutches.
The sound of the ticking of the white-framed analogue clock mounted on the wall on the right made it even nerve-wracking.
Sweat dribbled down the side of my temples as I wait in suspense.
The silence was killing me more than the kneeling kills my knees. But my back was starting to give in, yet I have to keep it straight while my head bowing down.
Ughhh...
I hate this situation I'm in right now.
With each and every passing tick of the clock, fighting gravity was hard from slouching and it feels like my head was heavier too. Also, my neck feels as if it's about to snap any minute now. Well, I am completely depleted from school and I get to go home after a long day for this?
Haha.
Brilliant. Just plain dandy.
"Seojung-Oppa..." I cried out my older brother's name cautiously.
His shoulders bucked as his hands dropping to his knees with the paper crumpling in the process.
Then, he faced me with his face left expressionless.
Aigoo~
Seojung-Oppa is really mad at me.
I stiffened when he shoved the paper he was holding to my face.
It was my midterm exam results...
It was my 'poor' midterm exam results, to be precise.
Oh...
Haha...
I am really am dead this time.
"Just what in the world is the meaning of this Hyo-Rin?!" My older brother blurted through his teeth as he shook the paper in front of me.
"Umm... I-I-It's Ma... My..."
"Will you just say it!"
"It's my midterm exam result, Seojung-Oppa" my words tremor as I spoke, my eyes closed tightly as I bowed down lower.
I couldn't hear anything but my fast heartbeat hammering in my cage.
Seojung-Oppa was always composed and seldomly gets angry. He is always strict yet thoughtful when he lectures me.
Yet, today was different and it kinda makes me sad.
'I have made Seojung-Oppa worried yet again...'
He has his palms already full of college and house workloads. Yet, here I am giving him the unnecessary piggyback ride making it harder for him.
Sigh.
'I'm such a total pain in the neck'
"You're such a total pain in the ass."
I blinked dazedly. Slowly, I lift my gaze and saw him retracting the paper and placed it on the coffee table on his left side.
"My thoughts...exactly" I laughed in guilt as I scratched my nape with my right hand.
He let out a deep heavy sigh. It was so heavy I could feel the world's burden for centuries.
After a moment of silence, he spoke once again.
"Get up from there, idiot Hyo-Rin." Seojung-Oppa's mood was a little calmer. But he was not facing me when he speaks to me.
"And let's have dinner first." He rose up first from his seat and walked passed me.
I heard his footsteps stopped.
"Why aren't you getting up?"
I turned my head looking up at him while he was staring down at me.
Good question dear older brother.
"Well..."
His eyebrows rose.
"My legs are numb from kneeling for so long, Seojung-Oppa."
He grumbled rolling his eyes as he threw his arms exasperatedly. Nonetheless, he walked back and helped me up. I grabbed onto one of his arms as he supported my weight when I leaned on him.
Seonjung-Oppa helped me walk to the kitchen which was just right past the end of the living room. He also helped me get settled in on my usual chair.
"You really need to beef up, you're weightless Hyo-Rin. I'm guessing...so is your brain."
I pouted, "You're too much, Oppa."
"What more if I tell you I raided your room and confiscated every bit of your hobby materials, including your gadgets."
"What?"
"Oh don't worry" he sneered proudly, patting his right hand to my left shoulder. "I kept them well and safe."
I didn't quite get a grasp of the moment. My older brother's words got me petrified to even blink my eyes and my lungs from breathing. I didn't notice my jaw was hanging open until he placed his finger under my chin and tapped it up that my mouth slowly closed.
"Don't leave your mouth open, you might catch a fly."
He patted on my shoulder twice before he let go of my shoulder snickering. My eyes followed him when he turned away to walk to the kitchen island.
I watched my brother put on his pink polka-dotted white apron. He caught me watching. He spared me a smile.
A business smile.
And that 'business smile' can never fool me. It may look so angelic and charming, he'd even make the same-sex flustered with it, but not me. I grew up with him and I know every single wicked way he has under his sleeves.
Just then, reality hits me.
Hard.
"You raided my room 'and' confiscated my belongings?"
"That's what I said."
His back on to me. I didn't notice he has already started cooking.
"I'm also giving you a bargain for letting you keep your phone. Only to keep in contact with you and for emergencies." He said as he sautés which smelled like garlic and green onions.
"Brother you can't do this to me, I... I need those for inspiration. I...need my books, my laptop."
"Don't worry, I replaced them with books too. Intended for your grade and advance materials for next year."
"What? why?"
He turned meeting my eyes. I flinched, scared of his death stare.
"You dare have the guts to ask me why?"
I think I struck a nerve...
"Dan Hyo-Rin..." He pointed the wooden spatula he was holding at me.
Yep...
"You are grounded." My world crumbled from the thunder of his words.
"G. R. O. U. N. D. E. D." Every letter engraved its own onto my forehead as he spelt it out.
"Grounded."
I to-ta-lly struck a nerve. A very big one.
Sigh.
My happy days have come to its end.
"If you do well on your following tests and hear every advice from your teachers starting tomorrow, I will return all your privileges."
"..."
"Ah, I almost forgot to tell you..."
And there was more?
"I'm cutting off your allowance, too."
I feel like crying right now. Seojung-Oppa is way too harsh for both my non-fujoshi and fujoshi-ness to handle. I can't make it through the day without my daily dose of BL manhuas.
"Better work hard, Idiot Hyo-Rin" he chuckled in triumph.
While I...
I let the none existing wind inside the kitchen blew my very dust of existence in this world.
I am done for.
I dunno if I should be thankful to my older brother digging my own grave or what?
"You dug your own grave. You reap what you sow."
Oh, he heard that.
"'Cause you're speaking your mind again."
"Seojung-Oppa" I cried hitting the table with my forehead.
The night went on longer than usual. I barely got any sleep, bawling my eyes out till dawn. Just before the sun rises, I got out of bed and dragged my feet out of my room for the bathroom at the end of the aisle.
The bathroom door squeaked when I pushed it open as I enter, and a loud thud echoed when it closes on its own after I let it go. I switched on the lights, switch mounted on the wall.
I stood before the bathroom mirror by the sink and stared at my reflection.
'My eyes are puffy.'
I sniffed, the humid cold air bit my nose.
'Why am I not surprised?' Bitter sarcasm to myself.
"What are you suppose to do now, Dan Hyo-Rin?" devastated, asking my reflection as I leaned in holding onto the edge of the sink.