"Greetings, Your Highness!"
The fifty maids stood in two straight lines, their eyes wide to see the empress in Star Pavilion. Their backs stood straighter and they quietly prayed for no wind to pass by to mess with their hair.
As if the heavens wanted their lives, the moment the empress entered, a strong gush of wind blew. The carefully ironed clothes were flying and strands fell from their more than perfect hair.
What wrong did they commit to live in such a terrifying moment!
Li Wei blew a strand of hair out of her eyes. The maids immediately trembled in fear. A slight curl could be seen on the corners of her lips.
"Dismiss."
Ah? The maids froze for a second before scurrying away in confusion.
"Your Highness, this way." San'er led Li Wei into the inner courtyard.
Star Pavilion, the place she avoided visiting, was simply stunning. The minimalistic decorations of the place created the illusion of the night sky opening up to her. From the gate to the garden and even from the corridors, she felt as if the world was just a fingertip's distance away from her grasp.
In the east wing was a large room. On the bed behind the beaded curtains was a child. His eyes were closed and his face was peaceful.
"Should I wake the prince?" San'er asked.
Li Wei waved her away. "No need, leave us alone."
Once the doors were closed, San'er was filled with dread. Her figure sprinted secretly away.
Inside, Li Wei stood by the bed. The boy's skin was fair and soft looking. There was almost a gleam to his face, like the shine on a bun.
Her finger poked his cheek. The skin was gently pushed in and bounced right back. Huh, it was softer than she imagined.
"I-imperial Mother?" A pair of round eyes opened.
In a flash, her hand retracted back to her side. She silently watched him.
Khan Bohai rubbed his eyes. "A dream..."
His body turned sideways, his eyes closing once again. If only his mother would come see him for real.
"Not dreaming."
Hearing his mother's voice, he turned back. Sleepiness was removed from his eyes. Khan Bohai sat up excitedly, "Imperial Mother!"
"Not sleeping anymore?" She asked calmly.
"No." His sparkling eyes looked nowhere else but her.
Li Wei played with the strung beads. "Go back to sleep."
"If I sleep, you'll leave."
"..." It was true.
Was it guilt? Did she feel bad for waking him up?
Li Wei sat on the bed and patted her lap. "Come here."
Blink. Blink. Blink. Khan Bohai didn't move.
"Not coming?"
"Coming!"
The boy quickly laid his head down before she could change her mind. Before, he could only watch in envy when his friends ran into their mother's embrace. Who knew that one day, he would also get to know how it feels?
Li Wei fiddled awkwardly with the half bun on his head. "How about a song?"
"Okay!" He agreed before she could finish.
"..." So much excitement? "I'll sing about a little dancing star."
"A dancing star?"
"En. When the night comes, the little star puts on its light. Do you know how the little star shines?"
"How?"
There was a hint of a smile on her lips. "He shakes his bottom from side to side and jumps up and down."
"Really...?"
"Of course."
"Let me try!" Khan Bohai jumped off the bed onto the floor. He did as his mother said and shook his bottom from side to side. With his arms waving and outstretched, he jumped all over the room.
"Can you see me? Can you see me?"
Li Wei was dumbfounded. "Can..."
"I'm a little star!"
At this rate, she was sure he could go on all night. "Umm, come back here."
"Okay!"
She couldn't deny that she was amazed at how well he listened, even to her. In that moment, a thought suddenly came to her.
She didn't want him to know the cruelty of the world.
"Do you really have to go...?" Khan Bohai held onto her hand.
"I'll leave after the song."
Hehe, Khan Bohai was happy again. He patted the spot next to him. "You can go when I'm asleep. I won't know!"
"... Alright."
And so, Li Wei was persuaded by the little boy who snuggled right against her as soon as she laid on the bed.
Khan Bohai dutifully pulled up the blanket. "Okay, ready."
There was only one childish song she knew. An old grandma used to sing it to her when she couldn't sleep. Out of all the other children, Li Wei had the most difficult time when night came. She would lay her head on the grandma's lap with her eyes closed. The old grandma's warm voice could always lull her to sleep.
That loving grandma was no longer in the world.
For the first time, she attempted to sing the song which comforted her little heart. "Little star little star, come out and play. Shine your light onto the world, keep the shadows at bay. The long night is dark, the long night is cold. A little shake and a little jump, the light you shine is a warm sight to behold..."
The little one was easy to coax. Halfway through the song, he was already deep asleep.
Before long, her heavy eyelids also closed.
---
The night was so calm there was no wind. The singing of every insect could be heard, including a deep, sorrowful cry.
Li Wei's eyes opened, fully alerted. The little one was no longer by her side. This wasn't her room. This was Khan Bojing's private quarters.
In the distance, moonlight shone on Khan Bojing's lonely figure on the balcony. His hands clutched the railing and his head hung downwards. The edges of his shoulders silently shook.
After a long time, he wiped his face and went into the hallway. The study's door opened and closed.
An hour later, her footsteps travelled to the room he went in. Khan Bojing had fallen asleep and his body was hunched poorly over the desk. She stared at his sorry state and placed a blanket over him. Then, she tiptoed to the corner where the lantern was.
When darkness filled the room, a pair of hands suddenly wrapped around her waist. His breaths warmed her back.
Her body froze. "Khan Bojing, what are you doing?"
"You still know my name?" The bitterness in his voice wasn't concealed.
"Can you let go?" It was hard to ignore how close they were.
"Can't."
She turned around slowly. "Did you drink...?"
Khan Bojing stared at her who was spouting nonsense. They both knew what she was doing. She offered an excuse. Her calm eyes told him to take it. Take it and she would let it go.
This time, he refused to accept. "I didn't."
"It's late now, go rest." Li Wei pushed away his hands.
He desperately held on, "Xiao Wei, I want to ask you. How can you end us each time so easily? What is your heart made of?"
"I also want to ask you, Khan Bojing. How is there an end when there wasn't a start?"
Khan Bojing flinched at her words. "I don't know what you're seeing, Xiao Wei. If me taking care of you is equal to hating you, then I don't know how to act anymore. You want me to be cold? You want me to ignore you? If this satisfies you, then fine. I'll learn to be as good as you."
"I don't have to pretend. This is how I am." She wanted him to hear it clearly. This was her real self. Heartless, cold, and malicious-- these were all her.
"Let me hold you for a moment so I can remember how it feels."
Did he not hear him? She stepped out of his reach. "Why are you acting like this? What for?"
His honest eyes stared back clearly. "For you."
Her hands clenched tightly.
"It's all for you, Xiao Wei," He said again.
How dare he repeated those words? "Khan Bojing, I dare you to say that again--"
He closed the distance between them and placed his lips over hers. When she pushed him away, he only pulled her closer. The more she tried to get away, the harder he kissed her.
Her fingernails pressed into her skin.
Khan Bojing pulled back shortly afterwards knowing she didn't want his touch. His thumb brushed her swollen red lips, "Xiao Wei, I've long forgotten this is how you taste like."
Li Wei was still in a daze. Did he just kissed her?
"My wife, can you spare me a second of your day? At least think of me before you fall asleep tonight."
These words were those he only spoke to her. She couldn't meet his hopeful gaze. "I can't."
"That's okay," He lied as he watched her figure disappear back into the hallway.
Whatever he says to her, it holds less weight than air. This he knew. From when they met until now, it must've been a long time. Long enough for his words to mean absolutely nothing.
Khan Bojing turned to the last page of his book. His brush filled the blank paper. In this moment, he finally resigned to their reality. He would never have all of her.
For a while now, he started mentally preparing himself for their inevitable separation. Each day, it got easier in his mind. Each day, he thought he could do it.
He thought he would be able to let go when the time came. He thought he'd be alright.
Unexpectedly, his eyes still stung.