An internal battle between the fear of falling and taking a leap of faith raged on endlessly.
How would it feel to fall into the unknown? Would the jump be worth it or become another betrayal?
Li Wei sat on the window sill, her legs dangling above the bright red peonies below. In this spot, the fresh morning air brushed through her hair freely. She ignored the strange looks from the servants sweeping the courtyard.
"Your Highness," San'er knocked on the door. "His Majesty is here to pay you a visit."
Who was here? She was so surprised she almost fell out. "F-for what reason?"
"Do I need a reason to see my wife?" Khan Bojing answered.
His voice didn't sound familiar to her ears. The words he spoke were sarcastic and his tone was distant unlike the vulnerability he showed last night.
She quickly calmed herself. "Come in."
"What are you doing, my empress? Running away?" His gaze followed her position.
"As if." She gestured towards the set of table and chairs out of courtesy. "Suit yourself, Your Majesty."
"No thanks."
Khan Bojing didn't even glance to the direction she pointed. Instead, he carried her off the window only to place her down on the floor.
Underneath the window, she was forced to sit back to back with him. Shoot, it was too late to really run away.
"I can't go on like this anymore. I need an answer from you today," He began.
She knew her words hurt him last night. It was good they weren't face to face or else he would see that she couldn't look into his eyes.
Khan Bojing purposely seated them this way. He hoped she would be honest with him as he was to her, "I chose to be with you, Xiao Wei. To be a good man to you, I did everything I could. What else is there that I haven't done? Have I not treated you well enough? Is my wealth not enough? What haven't I fulfilled in your heart that makes it so hard for you to look my way? Tell me, tell me so I can do it for you."
Nothing. There was nothing he hadn't done for her. Khan Bojing went to the moon and back for her. He moved the clouds and handed the stars onto her palms. There was no one else in the world who could've been better to her than him.
Only she wasn't good enough for him.
Li Wei forced her focus onto the white wall. "There's one."
A little hope sparked in his eyes. If he could accomplish that one wish for her, would she look at him then? Would he be with her for real then...? "What is it?"
She covered her own ears.
"You didn't give me Hua Xifeng."
The one thing left she wanted most was another man.
That man whom he failed to give her.
Without another word, Khan Bojing walked away.
Whatever was left holding them together fell apart completely. Nothing could fill the space between them now.
Be it five years, fifty years, or five hundred years, the name on her heart was still not his.
---
The pebble bounced across the water's surface multiple times before disappearing. Three figures sat by the riverside. One stood off to the side while the other two gathered on the edge.
"Daddy, I want to see mommy."
Khan Bojing's grip on the pebble tightened. "Don't mention your mother."
"Why?" Khan Bohai blinked innocently.
"I don't want to hear her name."
"Mommy, mommy, mommy." Khan Bohai teased his father, thinking his father would laugh as usual.
Khan Bojing was not amused. "Not today, Little Bo."
"Daddy and Mommy... argued?"
"Right, so don't say her name." Khan Bojing could see the disappointment on his son's face. He didn't want to hurt the child, but he had to do it. It was better to slowly prepare the child for their separation.
Khan Bohai carefully pressed his lips together. Daddy was sad again.
Khan Bojing tried to cheer him up, "How about a song?"
"Daddy, you can't sing," He quietly mumbled.
Who was the one that begged for a song every night? "You used to like it."
"Mommy is better."
"..." Khan Bojing turned to his son. "Your mother sang to you?"
Already forgetting he wasn't supposed to talk about her, Khan Bohai brightened with a smile. "En, she sang me to sleep."
"...Truly?"
"En! I had a sweet dream. There was daddy, mommy, and me."
... Khan Bojing threw another pebble. "Are you sure? Maybe it was a dream in a dream."
"Real, mommy said so."
As much as he didn't want to admit it, Khan Bojing was jealous of his own son. What song did she sing? How did she sound like? He wanted to be sung to too. Even in his broken state, he also wanted to dream of her.
A sweet dream, please. A dream where she reaches for his hand and doesn't let go.
"She also hugged me to sleep."
He felt betrayed. "You met her two times and you already like your mother more than me?"
"Hehe," Khan Bohai ran away on his short legs. "Sorry, daddy!"
"Tell me what she bribed you with!" Khan Bojing yelled in a fit of anger. Why? Why did Khan Bohai have to like her already?
Didn't the child know both of them, father and son, were about to be thrown aside?
"You can't blame the kid. Even you can't let go of that woman after so many years," Ye Dequan, who was standing on watch, pointed out bluntly.
"Do your job and speak less," Khan Bojing snapped.
Ye Dequan raised his hands in surrender. "I don't mean any harm. I'm just trying to understand so I can help you. Anyway, I've long heard of that woman being heartless. Perhaps my friend, you never had a chance."
"No."
"What?"
Khan Bojing glanced at the black pebble in his hands. "You're wrong. I've seen her love with all her heart, loyal even in the face of death. It's just... I'm not the one she loves."
"That hurts so much I can cry for you."
"...You can be honest."
Ye Dequan laughed dryly, "Khan Bojing, you're the biggest fool I've met. Knowing everything and still loving her unconditionally for all these years makes you the biggest fool on earth. So foolish that I think I admire you just a little bit!"
"Scram if you've not nothing better to do." Khan Bojing place the pebble into his pocket.
He didn't need anyone reminding him of how foolish he was. He knew it already. He knew and still did it.
He willingly became a fool for her.
---
The same string on the Guzhen was plucked subconsciously, not making any sense.
On the hill behind Eternal Spring, Li Wei's head fell onto the trunk of the large magnolia tree. Summer was almost at its peak. Around this time of the year, she would be the happiest because summer was her favorite season.
When summer arrived, it meant she could enjoy the gardens all day. She would wake up early to see the sunrise and play the Guzheng. The sound of the emotional instrument travelled far and wide over the courtyard.
At night when loneliness hit, she would play for the moon. When the world laid in complete silence, the sound of her sadness sung hauntingly. By the time morning arrived, she would feel somewhat comforted.
As before, the Guzheng sang poignantly to the moon. That day ended and the night came. She even played happy songs to mask the heavy atmosphere.
It turned out to be a waste of her efforts, none of it was of use.
She could lie to others, but she couldn't lie to herself. The image of his stumbling figure holding onto the last shreds of his broken heart was burnt into her memories.
She hated him. Hated how foolishly good he was to her, hated how he still held onto her, and hated how he looked at no one else but her.
More than him, she hated herself. Hated how cold she was to him, hated how she couldn't run away from him, and hated how her heart trembled.
For him.