I was nervous, setting on the couch waiting for him to get home. I looked around the room, ugly green paint, cheap tile floors, most busted. Holes in the walls, and probably some unseen bugs. I hoped the house looked okay, I spent my whole say off cleaning in hopes he wouldn't be so mad about the rent being late - again. He texted me and said he was coming. 'Where is he--' I began to wonder..
Then the lock clicked. I tried my best to look relaxed and happy that he was home, and for a second, I was.
"Hey! You're ho--" I stood from my spot on the couch and noticed the look on his face meant I should NOT be happy to see him. 'uh oh' I thought.
"You already know whats up huh?" he said angrily. Yes, I knew, the rent was late. I looked at the ground and quietly nodded.
He clenched his fists and started yelling "so WHY HASN'T ANYTHING BEEN DONE ABOUT IT MIRNA?!"
"I was off today and I'm a little short..." I trailed off. I hoped he would understand. A little part of me knew he wouldn't
"I need you to take care of it now, unless YOU want to be homeless." He emphasized YOU as if he was accusing me and that kinda pissed me off.
"ME?! Don't you mean WE Rhett?! Isn't it US!!" I gave him a look of disappointment, a look of help, This was becoming more normal for us but it hurt more every time.
He rolled his eyes and started pacing. He was getting mad. "I guess, but this is on YOU if we loose EVERYTHING AGAIN!!!" Now he was screaming. He began to hover over me, got me into a corner in the living room and continued to spew his hate and anger at me.
I watched his beautiful face and I watched as all his sense left. That face was now the face of a man I didn't know. This wasn't Rhett. He was now screaming senslessly and had my wrists in a strong hold. I was frightened. This wasn't my first time going through this with him. Everytime I hoped it would be the last.
"Rhett..." I whispered. I wanted him to let go.
"Rhett, Please stop," He kept screaming.
"RHETT. ILL GO WORK TONIGHT. THIS IS HURTING ME!!!!" I had to yell on his level, something I had never really done. Yelling back at Rhett probably wasn't my best line of defense.
He loosened his grip but kept me in his hold. I watched those lovely green eyes calm down, and saw his sense return- what was left of it.
"Sorry. Get it fixed. Please." He whispered.
He let me go and turned away. I wanted to cry but couldnt do it in front of him. I didnt want that fight right now. I tried to convince myself it was a phase or something we could work through. At the time I thought my love was enough for us. I was too dependent.
"I gotta go. I came back to check on rent. Figure out work and be home tonight. I'll see ya--" He grabbed his keys and walked out the door. I didnt care where he was going, I wanted him to go. He needed to breathe.
I heard the door click shut and I fell to the ground. My wrists were red and bruised in places. My chest was hurting and my eyes burned as I tried holding back the tears. He always left me alone after the fights and It was the worst. I had to replay and go through all this on my own, wrapping my head around why he treated me bad but claimed to love me. I made every excuse I could for him. I always said it was him being in between jobs, I have to bring home all the money and pay the bills. I never held that over his head, and did everything to keep him happy, so WHY ME.
I began to sob uncontrollably. I held my hand over my mouth to drown out the sobs but it didnt last long before I felt that tightness in my chest, I couldnt breathe and my vision was becoming blurry- another anxiety attack- and I was all alone.
I sat there and suffered. I cried, gasped for air, and succumbed to paralysis. I couldnt even think, all I could do was cry. Cry until that tightness faded and this attack passed. This was the moment I began to think about rent again. I picked myself up off the cold, cheap floor and controlled my breathing. I found my cellphone and called work. I would not let this control me- I have to go to work.
"Hey! its Mirna, I need some cash and need to work tonight if someone wants to go home?"
I'm a bartender at a celebrity bar, well we see a bunch of them, being in the middle of hollywood.
"Great! I'll come in ASAP! Thank ya!"
I hung up and dressed up for the night. I needed big cash to make rent, so I busted out my trusty little black dress and my Red lipstick. I loved the look, especially against my pale skin and black hair, Im blessed with blue eyes so that just wraps up this look for me. I pulled it off easily and it was simple- not too flashy. Luckily it covered the bruises on my wrists as well-- This would do jsut fine for tonight.
I was trying to feeling good about myself. I needed a good night after today, this is my 14th shift in a row and Im exhausted so big tips would be nice tonight. I locked my door and left for work. 'It will be a good night' I tried reassuring myself the whole way there.
It was a pretty busy night- we had a bunch of fun people and it was like a big party. I loved parties. I might not party alot anymore, but singing, dancing, and occasionally drinking is what made me truly happy.
I grinned at the sight of the full bar and made my last ticket before break.
"ma'am!! I got your drink!!!" I approached a woman with short black hair and even darker eyes,
"oh my--" hiccup "I forgot I ordered that!"
She sloppily took my drink out of my hand and gave me a hug. She was uncredibly drunk, but was keeping her head and having a good time. It made me laugh 'probably no more for her' I smiled. I could always let loose at work, I danced with my coworkers and only friend- Beth. She was my opposite, Tall, blonde, tan, loved anything pink and hated carbs. Total whore/bitch as well but she knows it, she embraces it. Its her "lifestyle choice" and 'as long as your safe' was always her defense. I loved her for it. --Hey! do you girl!--
We were dancing to something Rhianna, I was enjoying myself, dare I say, happy. "HEY!!! MEET ME OUT BACK IN 10!!!!" Beths shrilll voice was loud enough to be heard over anything, including the DJ.
I nodded and gave her a thumbs up as I headed back to the bar.
The bar, Its the 'command center' of any club, we see all, and we know all. Plus the job was easier to deal with when you can drink-
I cleaned my area and went out back to meet Beth for a smoke.
"So I thought you were finally off tonight?!" Her outfit was blinding by the street lamp out back, pink and sparkling. She was a tiny little thing but her attitude was real.
"Yea well Rhett found out I was short and late on rent again--" she stopped me, with her hand in my face as she finishes her cigarette drag, here we go.
"Oh and he didnt say 'Hey M, I could put some money towards rent' did he?? No! He sent you to work AGAIN!" The smoke slowly escaped her mouth as she grew even more mad.
She kept running her mouth. If you hit a nerve with her she will let you know. She takes NO shit from ANYONE. Rhett was one of those nerves. She hated him, so she was always mad that I was in a relationship with him.
"Yea okay Beth. If your not gonna give me money then shut up--" I took another hit, not letting her shit bother me.
She pulled out a wad of money from her pocket, 100's and 50's only. She grabbed 100$ out of her pocket and shoved it down the bra of my dress. She was VERY well off. Maybe not "rich" but her parents sent her 1,000$ a week just because.
"Keep it. NOW i get to have a fuckin say on the matter--" she really wanted to buy her vote on my relationship. Money is money so I took it. Little rich bitch..
"LOOK BETH- Its complicated right now. YOU know this. Im keeping this money cause if your gonna be dumb enough to give it away fuck it, I need it more than you clearly! LETS ALL FEEL SORRY FOR POOR ME!!!" I felt the anger from Rhett coming up out of my throat and caught it before it was too late. She looked a little confused and hurt because we never really argue. I tried to hold back the tears. Why couldn't I tell her I was scared? That my life felt like it was starting to come apart. I was falling apart and NOONE NOTICED. But it seems like everything is slowly turning to shit lately. I woke up each day with going to bed being my motivation for each day.
I took a long drag of my cigarette trying to hide the obvious tears in my eyes and calmly said "why did you even bring me out here? Surely not to talk about my shit."
She lightened up a little and said "Toni wants to hangout with me tonight but he has a friend and I don't want--"
This time I stopped her. "You know how mad Rhett would be if I went to hangout with another boy???"
She got a little angry "Screw Rhett, Im not asking you to sleep with him, M! Just keep him occupied while me and Toni.... do our thing.."
This. Bitch. Did she really just ask me to Flank for her???
Flanking was a move we came up with in middle school- when we started our adventure together. Girl A wants Guy A so Girl B lures Guy B away. It was dumb but It was part of a code we had lived by since forever.
I looked around nervously and told her no "Seriously B? I cant do it tonight, not after today-" She put another 200$ in my shirt and said,
"Call him. Tell him its a Private party and your working late. Youll bring home an extra 300$ and BOOM I just solved all our problems!!" She grabbed my face and gave me a quick, sassy kiss and said "see ya later!" and she ran back into the kitchen, screaming and jumping around.
I'm glad my friend was a rich bitch- shes never left me hanging. I dont like coming to her for money but she always has it when Im desperate. I hated fighting with her but I wanted her to see something was wrong. I wanted someone to tell me what to do. I was lost and now I have to lie to my boyfriend about my night. I wouldnt ever betray him, because of him I have everything I do. I love him, but he wasnt a very understanding person.
I called him anyways, already regretting it. Of course he was mad, but I was kinda having a 'best worst day ever' I was still in a decent mood, but today was weird and bad. I wanted to go hangout with B. Get some space from that house...but Ill deal with those consequences later.
I pu my cigarette and got back behind the bar and Noticed Toni setting at a table and B was all over him. He was kind of ugly and greasy looking if you ask me. The crowd was starting to thin out so she only had 2 other tables and time to kill. I rolled my eyes and turned to check on customers,
"Excuse me, miss,"
A deep voice came from the other side of the bar, It turned to face a very good looking guy,
"Yea! what do ya need?" I smiled and looked at his face, notcing us features, He had the greenest eyes, maybe blue, both? Deepset in a heavy framed face, with just the right amount of stubble it made your mind race. He had black hair that was purposefully brushed back. He was handsome, very handsome.
He notcied me staring and gave me a flirty grin and said "I need 2 of whatever you drink."
Hm. Cocky or confident? I couldnt tell. I smirked in a smartass way and made my favorite girly drink. It was blue, sweet AND sour, and made with whatever liquor I felt like grabbing. I called it 'A My Specialty' -yes, with the A- I was drunk once and discovered this concoction. I walked over to him with both drinks in hand and watched him try one. Why did I want to impress him? By the face he made I knew it was strong.
"Im impressed doll. You know what your doing. You can have this other drink, on me." He winked and turned away, and he left me a 50$ tip. He was an easy guy to deal with, but I think I decided he was cocky. I didnt like the way we vibed, plus he wrote his number on that 50$ bill. So I changed it out for some $10's, I have a boyfriend. 'Thank you, next.' I took my money and just kept a positive outlook for the next 2 hours and before I knew it I was done. Now time to go play side-chick for B. Ugh.
We got into her car and talked the whole way to Tonis house about everything. Like we never even fought earlier. Like she wasnt seriously about to use me to assist in a booty call. I love her, but sometimes shes extra. She knows shes the most and she embraces it, ALL of it.
We pulled up to the house, I assumed was Toni's, and she was ecstatic.
"Girl Ive been trying to get this guy for years! he got dumped and needs some rebound action, and im ALL FOR IT."
Most people are shocked when they hear her talk like this for the first time. Im used to it. Like I said- my bestfriend is a hoe. "Okay, your gross and lets get this over with." I got out of the car and she followed at my heels. I began to put my hair up in a bun, I was tired. The more unapproachable I looked, the easier it was to turn the guy I had to deal with off. I can use my period as an excuse...
B ran up to the door and opened it, walked right in like she owned the place and yelled "TOONNIIIIIIII" -oh my god that shrill voice -" BABBBYYYYY"
She ran through the house leaving me to lead myself to wherever I needed to be. I heard her voice and followed, noticing how nice this house was. Modern, but rustic. High ceilings and a grand staircase. There was a den, and a living room with a huge fireplace.
'how does Toni afford this??? are his parents rich??' I eventually found the voice, In the kitchen, taking shots and drinking champaign.
"M!!!!" she hugged me like its the first time she saw me. "come drink with us!!"
I was stuck here waiting to meet this strange guy im occupying. So I took a couple shots and noticed fresh pizza on the table. My stomach growled, I really couldnt remember the last time I ate.
"Can I have some pizza!?" I said excitedly and half ass drunk. I turned to see what they said but they were sneaking the bottle of champaign to the bedroom down the hall.
'whatever. hope shes quick' I scarfed down as much pizza as was left. Feeling much better now.
Then I noticed there was no sign of the other guy. I looked around the kitchen, down the halls, then decided to make myself a drink and take an official tour of the house.
I walked around the halls, looked at all the pictures. I admired the decor, and realized there wasnt a single picture of Toni anywhere. I walked towards the stairs and heard a
deep, familiar voice ask "and who are you, miss?"
I quickly turned around and said "Im here with B, I mean, Beth. Shes with Toni?" I looked at this familiar face, the hair. Still perfectly slicked back and the scruff on his jaw gave it away, he was the sexy guy from the bar- shit.
He grinned widely and said "Oh! you must be my 'lady' for the evening." he did the air quotes with his hands when he said ladies. He chuckled. "How was work, barlady?"
"Yea, well I cant do anything like that tonight so," I crossed my arms. Hoping that would let him know its not happening.
He laughed again "Yea, oh no. no. no." he kept laughing. Was I a funny idea? like sleeping with me is laughable?
"Beth said you were coming regardless. I insisted to both if them I didnt need a distraction from their...doings."
I gave him a look. "Hmm... yeah okay."
He rolled his eyes, and had a little annoyed tone, "Really, I dont want anything from, you. But if you would like, you can make me another one of those drinks that you made me at the bar, barlady--"
I held my hand up and stopped his sentence. The nerve of this fucking guy. 'yea fix me a drink bArLaDy' what a douche.
"What if I dont? like your telling me to?" I was not happy at the moment. he better save this conversation and fast.
He was more annoyed "Look, I was GOING to say, make me a drink and Ill give you an official tour, I really dont like strangers walking around my house alone." This time his arms were crossed and he was annoyed with me.
I was walking through this guys house, touching his things, admiring his pictures, and now im being an ass about drinks... talk about putting your foot in your mouth. Im pretty sure my whole leg was in my mouth.
I grinned and looked at the ground in defeat, the look he was giving me was hypnotizing and I couldnt keep from blushing. I was trying to hide it.
"Riiight, I thought It was Toni's house... Touché and We can go make those drinks now." I sighed "Im having a weird day, and this whole situation has me all messed up, I'm sorry." I nodded and turned towards the kitchen.
He grinned and followed me to the kitchen. As I made the drinks out of whatever lame liquor this guy had, he told me about the history of the house. His great grandfather built it with his hands and he had been remodeling some of it since his parents passed and left it to him.
We walked through the hallways and he explained some pictures and he had several precious items and heirlooms. Each one was special and had a story. He told me about some of his favorites.
"My family Has always been very attached to things. if its important, its kept forever."
It was a sweet idea. I never got into the family stuff much, I never had a good one. My dad was a drunk who barely got by and my mother bailed on me and Ricky when we were kids.I was only 12 when he left, My life was a dark and shady place back then. He never came back to see me, not even into my adulthood.
All I could say was "Its a very beautiful home." Hoping to end the family discussion, I tried to look around to find another topic to discuss.
He grinned again and said "all thats left are bathrooms and closets, unless you wanna see those, the tour us officially over, barlady" He bowed in a goofy, exaggerated way, it was cute.
"would you care to join me for a smoke, barlady?" He motioned for me to walk down the stairs and I did, he followed.
At the moment I was living in my head.
'He's making me smile. Why do I feel like this? I dont want to feel this way, isnt it technically cheating? why does it feel right though?'
we set on the front porch and smoked a cigarette and talked about everything. He was a lawyer. Nothing big or hot-shot, but he made a good living and often did a lot of free cases for people who needed it. He was a nice guy. He didnt even flirt, touch me, or come onto me a single time. He just enjoyed my company. I was enjoying his too. I watched him talk and realized this was all temporary, I had to go home and face Rhett at some point, then I remembered I had an angry boyfriend at home. OMG, Rhett.
"OH NO!!!" I reached for my phone and jumped up hurridly.
10 missed calls. 7 text messages. it was 3:00 am. I cut him off, "I have to go...im sorry...." I began to run, I was worried. How mad was he already? but the guy chased after me and said "get in my car! ill give you a ride!"
it was a very expensive, but not flashy looking BMW, like it was fast, but could also blend in with the mom cars. Nice taste.
I had to get home fast so, I hopped in, not thinking twice how it would look if Rhett saw me.
He put my address in the gps and took off, the tires skirted and the engine roared on the open road -it was fast and I was impressed.
I was pretty silent the whole ride home and overwhelmed by what was to come in the next 10 minutes. Right before He got to my street I said "stop here. let me out here I'll walk." If Rhett saw this, I wouldnt be in good shape.
"come on, I can take you to your hou--"
I didnt want him asking anymore questions, I needed to get out now.
"No. Please. just here.. " I was slightly panicked.
He looked a little troubled, irritated. It was dark, I had a block to go in the sketcky sides of hollywood. I gathered my things and went to get out. I felt bad, I honestly enjoyed this night and it was really great to meet him, I also hoped to see him again? I turned and said "whats your name stranger? sorry to leave so quickly but, ya know. things." I tried to sound sincere, I felt bad about ditching him.
he laughed and said "I'm Dylan, Im sure Ill see more of you around I'll hit up Beth to-"
"MIRNA!!!!!!!!!" That voice, he saw me. He was waiting for me.
My heart stopped. I looked down the road to see Rhett standing outside, watching me leave a strange mans car.
"you have to leave. now." I started to walk away from the car before quickly running to Rhett. Dylan made a scene driving by us with his car as loud and fast as he could, making this much worse. I was worried. Rhett was pissed when I walked up to him.
"Upstairs, NOW." He waited for me to get up to the apartment before grabbing me by my hair.
It hurt. "OW!! please Rhett, no!" here we go.
"NO!! YOU SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO ME!!! A PRIVATE FUCKING PARTY?! YOU DIDNT THINK I WOULD CALL TO CHECK?! THEN YOU PULL UP WITH----"
He threw me to the ground and got down in my face, putting his entire body over mine, establishing dominance, and said
"you pull up with another MAN!!! WHY ARE YOU LYING TO ME!!!"
I began crying. I couldnt help it this time I was scared. I was struggling to breathe and my head was pounding, his silhouette against the ceiling fan was terrifying.
"Rhett... I was with Beth, she was drunk and he just dropped me off!"
He then lifted my whole body by my wrist, the one bruised from earlier, and he smacked me really hard, I was seeing stars. This was the first time he REALLY hurt me. He put some power into his smack. It was burning and I was trying not to look defeated. He wanted me to feel how strong his power over me was with this, and it worked. I begged him to let go. He kept screaming and yelling until I had enough. He put me down to walk away and, the anger and fear took over, I screamed "WHO ARE YOU ANYMORE RHETT?! YOU DONT LOVE ME!!! WHY!" and I hated myself for this.
He stopped dead in his tracks and looked over to the lamp next to him. I should have expected this to happen next, as he picked up the lamp. In slow motion, I watched him turn and hurl it at my face. Luckily it wasnt big, but it hurt when it barely hit my head.
I fell to the ground.
"Look!! I didnt mean to do that!!" Rhett rushed to my side and hugged me. He began to apologize and rocked while he attempted to comfort me.
Blood was dripping down my face while the man I fear the most had me in his hold, close to his sweaty, angry body. Telling me 'its gonna be okay' how would it ever be okay? I was so happy 30 minutes ago. Now im paralyzed with fear begging my anxiety attack to hold off until he leaves.
About 10 minsutes of trying to console a beaten girlfriend he said "you can come to bed if you want. ill be there." He sounded more annoyed than sincere.
He left and I sat there on that damn tile floor, again, sobbing. This time they were silent sobs, I didnt want him coming to start anything else if he heard me. More of Rhetts 'cuddles' are not what I need. My anxiety didnt even bother me my body and mind wre so exhausted from everything. I picked myself off the floor and went to do damage control on my face in the bathroom. I looked in the mirror to see a gash in my eyebrow, and a busted lip. I had a clear handprint on my face from the slap. obviously I had some dark bruises on my body.
'at least its all on one side. I can hide this.'
I cleaned my face up and repeated that last line over and over and over.
'I can hide this. I can hide this'
I never thought I would be 'that girl', the one in an abusive relationship. I thought my relationship was perfect, but at this moment I realized it was time to start planning my way out. I knew it was time to leave. I knew I needed a way out. I just had to wait. Wait for my out. I cleaned up my face and began to sob again, making it bleed more and blotchy.
This was my life now.
Cleaning up my bloody face because my boyfriend had a bad day and now I have to leave, and do things 100% on my own, with no one. I love him so much, but he is toxic now. WHAT CHANGED?! Have you ever had to let go of someone you love because it would kill you if you didnt? I knew I had to because this, cleaning and hiding my face, would not be my life. I couldnt stop sobbing at my reality when a simple thought seemed to speak a certain peace into my mind that was much needed.
The thought of Dylan. His eyes, his smile, his laugh. Why did this one strange guy give me hope? Was it me finally feeling happiness with Dylan the last straw with Rhett? What if It was wrong? but...what if It was right? Whatever it was, I hope it wasn't the last time I saw him, I would make sure it wasn't. Was I bad for that?